


Dangerous Games

by Helenatrix



Series: Beautiful Mess [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Smut, M/M, smut right off the bat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-06-17 06:20:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 44,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15455226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helenatrix/pseuds/Helenatrix
Summary: “Where are you, Erwin?” His voice was gentle, as gentle as Levi’s voice had ever been, as it was capable of being.Erwin blinked, his eyes studying Levi’s face, that handsome, boyish face that he had fallen in love with, that he had dreamed of, longed for. There was a look of concern etched on those dark features, haunting those steel gray eyes.Levi shook his head, stood on his toes, to reach up and place a hand on Erwin’s cheek. “Where do you go?”With every step they took towards the truth, towards avenging his father’s death, Erwin began to feel himself pulled further and further away from those he loved. Mike, Hange, Nanaba, Levi above all. And he was sure no one saw the change in him more than Levi. But his search for the truth had consumed him, eaten him alive. He was a slave to that desire, to that dream. It kept him alive in a way nothing else could. Not even Levi.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Friday!!!  
> Part 3 of Beautiful Mess is here!!! I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get time to finish this chapter but I surprised even myself!
> 
> As promised, Dangerous Games will delve into canon territory. The goal here is to explore some of the unseen moments, the thought-processes, feelings and emotions that could have been behind them. I don't think it's 100% necessary to have read the other parts of this series for this part to make sense but hey, you're here so if you haven't, you might as well, right?
> 
> We're starting off this story with an Erwin chapter :) Chapter song is one I kinda consider to be Erwin's anthem in a way: Walk on Water by Thirty Seconds to Mars. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Erwin could barely control the raging of his heart behind his ribcage. His thoughts were a blurred mess, churning and boiling over. A human with the ability to control a titan…no…a human with the ability to _become_ a titan.  He couldn’t have predicted it and yet it seemed to make some sort of cruel sense. His mind raced back to that day behind the titan-infested Wall Maria. The day he had given the order that had cost them so many Survey Corps lives…the day he had looked at the female titan and seen something more than a titan…something uncannily human in those hateful blue eyes.

Since the Battle for Trost District, since the power of the titans had been harnessed by a young recruit named Eren Yeager, Erwin had become deeply entrenched in the cage that was his own mind, lost in a storm of revelations, theories and wild speculations. They were getting closer to the truth. He could feel it. And the only way to continue that journey forward was to get close to Eren Yeager, gain his compliance and implore him to join the Survey Corps.

He might not have believed it himself should he not have seen it with his own eyes. The day the Walls had again been breached, the pounding of his heart was only deafened by the raging of his horse’s hooves as they sped towards the gates of Trost. Levi had, of course, been quicker than any of the others, quicker than Erwin himself, in launching over the wall, propelling his small frame over the massive boulder that had been strategically wedged into the opening blown into the gates of Trost District. Erwin had seen the Captain hesitate only once atop the wall before again diving into the fray.

And it wasn’t until Erwin himself scaled the wall that he felt that same hesitation, that same confusion, that same awe and fear.

They hadn’t had time to talk about it then, much too preoccupied with taking out the remaining titans within the walls of Trost district, to discuss the unconscious young soldier who was protruding, seemingly attached to the steaming body of a titan. But as the Scouts diligently performed their duty around him, Erwin swung down towards the ground, his sights set solely on the recruit and the two loyal comrades who had not left his side.

Several members of the Garrison Regiment barred him from getting too close. Erwin’s impatience was wrecking him, tearing at his lungs but he refrained from allowing it to seep into the exterior of his cool demeanor. He addressed one the soldiers he recognized, a perturbed looking Team Leader Rico Brzenska. “Team Leader...what happened here?”

She looked out at him from behind foggy goggles and shook her head in bewilderment. “Honestly Commander...I’m still not really sure.”

“That recruit...is he...fused with that titan?”

She laughed then, a derisive sound made from a sharp exhale through her nostrils. “He _formed_ that titan.”

Erwin’s breath caught in his throat. The air felt thick, nearly impossible to take in, like the words that had come out of Rico’s mouth. “He formed it? How…?”

“We don’t know. But he saved us. Somehow that recruit formed a titan body from thin air and then he used it...controlled it...to move that boulder and block the hole into Trost district…” Her voice was trembling but certain, terrified yet somehow sure, hopeful. “We won today because of Eren Yeager…”

“Eren Yeager…”

“Yes. He’s a member of the 104th.”

“I need to speak with him,” Erwin’s eyes connected with Rico’s meaningfully but she shook her head.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. Commander Pyxis gave me strict orders -”

“Oi, Erwin!” Before Erwin could interject or show his disdainful discontent at being barred from speaking with Yeager, a swarm of MP’s shot forward, their Commander, Nile Dok at the helm. “Step away from that monster!”

Erwin could feel the tension in the air as the MP’s approached. The dark haired girl at Eren’s side narrowed her eyes, glowered out from a curtain of black locks that nearly obscured her dark features, her cutting steel eyes….eyes that almost reminded Erwin of…

“Well if it isn’t Commander Blockhead and his band of idiots here to join the fight once all the titans are out of the way.” Erwin hadn’t noticed Levi landing nimbly at his side but Nile bristled at the Captain’s comment.

“Why you little -”

“Try it, Dok,” Levi’s tone was dangerous, the adrenaline from the battle, from the interrupted expedition, still obviously coursing through his veins. “I’d welcome the opportunity to knock you on your ass in front of your subordinates.”

“Enough.” Erwin raised his hands to silence them both. “Why are you here, Nile? I had assumed between the Garrison and the Scouts, the situation was under control.”

“Eren Yeager is officially under the jurisdiction of the Military Police Regiment. We’re here to take him into custody until the time that his fate will be decided at a Military Tribunal headed by Zakely himself.”

“But that’s not fair!” All eyes were then drawn to the young girl at Yeager’s side. Her arms clutched Eren’s chest, supporting him, holding him to her. “Eren did what you asked of him. Without him, we wouldn’t have been able to close the hole in the Wall.”

“Who the hell are you?” Nile demanded.

“Mikasa Ackerman, sir. Member of the 104th Training Corps.” Though a salute would have been pertinent, the cadet did not remove her hands from Eren Yeager’s unconscious body.

Nile scoffed. “Well then, Mikasa Ackerman...you should know better than to talk back to your Commanding Officers. We will be taking Eren Yeager into custody and that’s that.” He motioned to the soldiers behind him, urged them forward and for the first time, Erwin watched Mikasa Ackerman’s hands leave the young man to which she desperately clung. They shot with speed and deft accuracy to the blades at her sides. If not for the small blonde boy beside her, Erwin was sure she would have lunged into an attack. The boy grasped onto her arms, seeming to break her out of her furious trance.

“Mikasa, wait! It will be ok.” He glanced around furtively, desperately before his eyes landed on Rico. “It will be ok, won’t it, Team Leader?”

She balked beside Erwin so he spoke for her, addressing the small blonde soldier in Rico’s stead. “It will be.” The blond’s eyes widened and Erwin turned back to Nile then. “Where will you be holding him?”

“Tch...why do you care, Erwin? Want to befriend the monster? Add him to your collection?” Nile’s eyes roved over Levi and Erwin chuckled, a sly smile playing over his lips.

“Yes, actually. The more monsters at my disposal, the better. The better for the Scouts. The better for humanity.”

“Dammit, Erwin. I wasn’t being serious -” Nile spat.

“Where will you be keeping him?” Erwin asked again, more firmly this time.

“Dungeons below the MP headquarters.”

“Not very accommodating for the hero who saved the walls from the titans…” Erwin shook his head.

“Erwin, he’s a monster...he’s a titan...dammit, we don’t know what he is. All we know is that we don’t know anything about him...We’ll imprison him below ground where he won’t be able to escape and he won’t be able to transform...until we know his intentions, we need to treat him with a certain level of caution.” Erwin watched Nile stare at Eren Yeager’s immobile form. There was a silent fear reflected in those brown eyes.

“You’re right of course, Nile. In this matter, caution is advisable. The Survey Corps will submit to the ruling of the Military Police. Though, I should like to speak with Yeager when he regains consciousness.”

Nile scoffed. “When have I ever been able to stop you from doing the things you’d _like_ to do?”

The MP’s moved in on Eren Yeager and his comrades, roughly pushed Mikasa Ackerman and the blond recruit out of the way. With forceful cuts, they separated Eren from the steaming titan carcass, pulling him away and shackling his hands behind his back. Rico had drawn closer to the Ackerman girl, had put a comforting arm over her shoulder as all sets of eyes watched the motionless form of Eren Yeager be carried away.

Silence descended on Erwin and his Scouts. Finally, Levi’s voice cut through the stillness. “What the fuck was that…”

“That…” Erwin said, his heart pounding with a lusty hopefulness, “is how we win this war.”

He felt Levi’s eyes on him, assessing him, trying to understand his thought process. “We can’t let the Military Police have Eren Yeager.”

Levi scoffed. “They already have him, Erwin. What exactly do you propose we do about that?”

Erwin smiled, feeling a new sense of hope, a new sense of urgency. “We’re going to Mitras. We’re going to speak with Eren Yeager, determine his intentions and if they’re pure, we will win him to our cause. We will harness his strength for the good of humanity.”

Looking at Levi, Erwin found a stoic mask was poised over those dark features, features he was so often able to read like an open book. But what Levi was thinking in that moment, how he was feeling, it was a mystery to Erwin. As the Captain stared off into the distance, watching the retreating backs of the Military Police and the young Eren Yeager, the set of his jaw was rigid, the slant of his eyebrows downturned. His eyes were hidden in the shadow of that thick black hair but Erwin was sure that behind those locks, dark steel was intensely burning, a tumultuous storm of confusion and curiosity.

“Excuse me, Commander Smith?” Erwin turned back around to look down upon the small blonde soldier, the friend of Eren Yeager, looking up at him, blue eyes wide and beseeching. As Erwin met his gaze, the cadet forced himself into a salute. “I’m sorry, sir but might I speak with you a moment?”

Erwin nodded, returned the salute. “Of course. What’s your name, soldier?”

“Armin Arlert, sir. I’m a member of the 104th. I’ve known Eren since childhood.” His voice trembled slightly, as though he were nervous, terrified even. Erwin wouldn’t blame him for feeling either way, the situation being what it was.

“Since childhood?”

“Yes. Since before the fall of the walls. We grew up in Shinganshina.”

Erwin paused, studying this small, shaking boy in front of him, his interest fully peaked. “How long has Eren had this ability?”

Armin shook his head, looked away, hesitated. “That’s the thing...we don’t know. I don’t think Eren himself even knew he was capable of it…” He turned his face back to Erwin then and the set of his blue eyes shone in the sunlight. “No one hates the titans more than Eren, Commander. He wanted so badly to join the Survey Corps. Ever since he was little. He’s loyal to humanity. And it occurred to me that perhaps humanity needs him. And that perhaps the Survey Corps is his only hope.”

Erwin raised an eyebrow. “His only hope?”

“If you support him, if you ask him to enlist, he’ll do it. That’s what he wants. To use this power, whatever it may be, to fight alongside the Corps. To help humanity survive..” Slowly, Armin reached below the collar of his shirt and pulled out a gold key hanging on a long, thin chain. He gingerly pulled the chain over his head, held the key out to Erwin.

“What’s this?” Erwin glanced at the young recruit, studied his gentle features.

“A promise of good faith,” Armin said, his voice quiet but unwavering. “It’s the key to the basement of the Yeager home in Shinganshina. Eren’s father told him it contained secrets of the titans...and Dr. Yeager himself disappeared after the walls fell, before he could ever explain what he meant. I think that whatever is in that basement...it has something to do with Eren’s powers. And it can help us beat them.”

Erwin breathed out heavily as he accepted the key into his hand. His fingers closed over it, gripped it, caressed it. “Why are you giving me this?”

“Eren would want you to have it, to prove our allegiance. To seek your help. Please, Commander.”

Erwin could feel Levi at his side, eyes keenly watching his interaction with this young recruit. What was he thinking? “I will speak with Eren.” Erwin said finally. “And, should he prove himself trustworthy, I will do everything in my power to ensure his survival.”

Relief flooded Armin’s features. He nodded. “Thank you, Commander Smith. Thank you.” He saluted again before  turning back to join his friend, the young Mikasa Ackerman.

Erwin sighed, fingers grazing over the cold metal of the key in his hand. _The secrets of the titans._ Erwin’s heart was pounding. He glanced down at Levi, met his eyes for a brief moment before looking away, tucking the key and chain into his breast pocket.

That night, after their return to the Survey Corps headquarters, Erwin faced the inevitable onslaught of questions and probing from Hange while Levi stood by his side.

“Erwin...we have to have him.” Her voice was a mix of lusty desire and extreme fascination. She was almost salivating as she stared at Erwin, her eyes huge shining orbs behind her glasses. “Think of the knowledge we could gain. If he’s compliant and willing, he could be the key to humanity’s survival.”

Erwin nodded. She was right. “One step ahead of you Hange.”

She laughed, threw her head back. “As always! Why do I ever doubt you, Erwin?”

Erwin smirked. “I’ll be going to Mitras tomorrow morning. I would like you, Levi and Mike to come with me. We’ll attend the hearing and speak on Yeager’s behalf. We’ll implore Zakley to place Eren in the hands of the Survey Corps.”

Levi scoffed from his perch upon Erwin’s desk. One leg crossed over the other and restlessly fidgeting, Erwin noticed that his patience seemed somehow thinner than usual, his temperate mood soured. “You think your friend Nile will make it easy for us? He seemed so sure the kid was more liability than asset.”

“He’s afraid,” Erwin agreed. “He’s not wrong. But if the goal of the Military Police is to kill Eren…”

“They can’t!” Hange wailed. “Erwin, you can’t let them -“

“I have no intention of doing so.” Erwin’s eyes sharpened as they fell on her, stealing her words from her mouth. “But we must know Yeager’s intentions. And we must gain his compliance in going back to that basement. Finding the truth.” Again, Erwin’s fingers traced the cold metal of that key. He shivered imagining the secrets behind that door, the truths waiting to be unearthed. His eyes fluttered in anticipation and he couldn’t help the grin that tugged at the corners of his lips.

He again felt Levi’s eyes on him, a strange expression marring those dark features. His silver eyes were so dark in the dim light, they looked almost black. “What’s that look, Erwin? What are you thinking?”

Erwin’s eyes peered back into Levi’s, a meaningfully like an invisible thread connecting them, tying their intentions together. He could sense Hange watching them, silent and shifting uncomfortably. “It’s just that, the appearance of Eren Yeager has me thinking. Thinking about that female. Thinking about the armored and colossal titans. The titans who acted rationally, as if executing a planned attack…Could there be others like Eren? Wolves in sheep’s clothing? Titans hiding among us? Perhaps in the very ranks of the Survey Corps themselves?”

A chilled silence enveloped them. Erwin could see the rising and falling of Levi’s chest, how wide his eyes had become. He could see the trembling in Hange’s hands. She was the first to speak, to break the tension that hung thick in the air. “Erwin...you mean...you think that female was a human? A scout?”

Erwin nodded.

“When...did you come to this realization?”

“After the attack in Trost. After seeing Eren Yeager and what he was capable of. His existence brings me hope. But it also terrifies me. If someone like Eren can exist, there must be others. He can’t be a complete anomaly. Not when all signs point to the contrary.” Erwin paused a moment, knowing his next words would enrage Levi and set Hange into hoots of triumph. “We need to stage another capture mission. We need to capture the female titan.”

Hange’s eyes lit up and a wide smile broke across her face as Levi bristled. “Erwin, you mean it?”

“Fuck, Four-eyes. It’s not like he asked you to marry him.” Levi glowered, sulking where he sat.

“He may as well have! If he asked me now, I’d say yes!” She crooned. “When can we start?”

Erwin attempted to reign her in with a gentle hand to her shoulder. “Hange, we can’t breathe a word of this to anyone. If enemies of humanity have infiltrated the Corps, we cannot allow them to know that we know of their existence. Any mission with the sole purpose of capturing the female titan must remain a secret. I expect discretion until the time comes.”

She nodded, breathing heavily. “Can I tell Moblit, at least?”

Erwin put a hand on his temple, attempted to massage away the headache that was forming. “Moblit only. No one else. This isn’t formalized. Can’t be until we know more about Eren and his intentions. Do you understand?”

“Yes! Of course!” She leapt towards him, and with unexpected force, threw her arms around his chest. He stiffened, glanced at Levi with raised eyebrows before resignedly patting Hange on the head. “You won’t regret this, Erwin,” she sniffled against his chest. Was she crying? As she pulled back, she wiped her nose with her sleeve and smiled, her eyes slightly bloodshot. She _was_ crying. She pulled her hand to her heart in a salute and then excused herself, leaving Erwin alone with his Captain, who had not moved from atop his desk, a defiant look etched on his face.

“Levi…”

“I thought we were done with this, Erwin?” Levi’s arms were crossed over his chest. He was angry, though subtly so. Erwin’s heart thumped against his ribcage as he studied the smaller man.

“So did I. Until Eren.”

“Eren Yeager. The titan in disguise.He’s it, then? Your strategy for winning the world’s most dangerous game of chess?”

Erwin smirked. “That’s one way to put it.”

Levi scoffed, rolled his eyes. “You know nothing about him, Erwin. Putting all your faith in one kid, one kid you’re not even sure you can trust.”

“What I trust are actions. Why would Eren, in titan form, block the hole to Trost district if his goal was to undermine humanity? To feed us to the titans?”

“But why reveal himself now? None of this makes sense, Erwin.”

Erwin pulled the key from his pocket, held it out to Levi. “Perhaps this will lead us to answers.”

Seeing the key seemed to enrage Levi further. He shot up from where he sat on Erwin’s desk and stormed over to the Commander, grabbed the key out of his hand with forceful tenacity. “This fucking thing. It could be anything. It could be a grand scheme to escape imprisonment, a way to get you to buy in. And you, being _you_ , being so desirous of learning the truth, your eyes have become clouded. You’re losing it, old man.”

Gingerly, Erwin placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder, withdrew the key from his clenched fist. “Why would he lie about that? About the secret of the titans in his unreachable basement in Shinganshina? I don’t see his gain.”

Levi faltered, ran a hand through his hair, exposing the back of his neck. A growl of arousal ran through Erwin’s body despite himself. He smiled. “Levi, do you trust me?” Levi looked up as Erwin moved closer, slipped a hand around his thin waist.

“Don’t try to seduce me right now.” Levi put a hand on Erwin’s chest, keeping him at arm’s length. “I’m not in the mood.”

“How long do you plan on feigning discontent and denying me, then?” Erwin removed Levi’s hand, moved in closer, laid a kiss on his neck. “A day?” Another kiss. “An hour?” Levi began to lean into him, though Erwin could see the struggle on his face. “Perhaps another minute or two?”

“Erwin…” There was a testy edge to Levi’s voice. He gripped Erwin’s shoulders tightly, hovering between giving in to his touch and pushing him away.

“Stop denying me,” Erwin pulled Levi’s lips forcefully to his own. “You need this as badly as I do.”

He wasn’t sure why that precise moment had him lusty and panting, but Erwin couldn’t keep his hands from straying, exploring, feeling every inch of Levi’s hard body. Perhaps it was the thought of being only inches away from the truth, of coming closer to some sort of understanding. Perhaps it was the newfound hope, the breathless, exhilarating proximity of it all. But no matter the reason, the member between Erwin’s legs was rock hard and throbbing before he was even out of his jacket.

He forced Levi up against the desk, rutting against him, his lips trailing over the smaller man’s neck, meeting his lips, gasping against them. He tugged frantically at Levi’s cravat, pulling it off with hasty, groping hands before beginning to unbutton his shirt. Levi was struggling against him, though  without any real conviction. But when Erwin reached between his legs to caress what he had assumed would be a solid member, he came up surprised. Levi, in that moment, was less than fully aroused, his cock half hard under Erwin’s fingers.

“Levi…”

“Would you stop a second? What the fuck is this Erwin?” Levi’s gray eyes were the color of charred ash, smoldering without flame, his body rigid, taut, unforgiving. With his heart in his throat, Erwin withdrew, his arms slumping back at his sides.

“I...I’m sorry…”

Levi reached out, laced his fingers through Erwin’s, pulled him back. “Where are you, Erwin?” His voice was gentle, as gentle as Levi’s voice had ever been, as it was capable of being.

Erwin blinked, his eyes studying Levi’s face, that handsome, boyish face that he had fallen in love with, that he had dreamed of, longed for. There was a look of concern etched on those dark features, haunting those steel gray eyes.

Levi shook his head, stood on his toes, to reach up and place a hand on Erwin’s cheek. “Where do you go?”

Erwin hadn’t realized he had gone again. Hadn’t realized he had slipped away until Levi reeled him back in. “We need you here, Erwin,” Levi whispered before pressing his lips to the Commander’s, parting them with his tongue, breathing into the deep, all-encompassing kiss.

Erwin Smith gave himself fully to the one man who grounded him to the earth, allowing his lips to bring him back to reality, to the world in which they lived. The kiss grew in desperation and passion and Erwin breathed out, “I’m here. I’m sorry, Levi. I love you.”

That night, with Levi’s naked body curled around his own, Erwin was left to ponder the circumstances in which they had found themselves. With every step they took towards the truth, towards avenging his father’s death, Erwin began to feel himself pulled further and further away from those he loved. Mike, Hange, Nanaba, Levi above all. And he was sure no one saw the change in him more than Levi. But his search for the truth had consumed him, eaten him alive. He was a slave to that desire, to that dream. It kept him alive in a way nothing else could. Not even Levi.

For that, Erwin felt an immense, nagging guilt and for that, guilt, Erwin allowed himself to be pulled back. For Levi. Because he loved him. But would that love be enough?

Erwin didn’t sleep well that night. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his father’s face, heard his father’s voice, felt his father’s ever looming presence. But when he opened his eyes, the room was dark, his father was still dead. It was a vicious, circuitous, never-ending cycle of torment and though Erwin did his best to pull closer to Levi, to feel his warmth and allow himself release, he felt lost, consumed by the persistence of his waking nightmares.

It would be several days before Erwin would be able to speak with Eren Yeager, to determine his intentions, to glean any insight into a situation that rattled his brain, confused and invigorated him, filled him with a newfound hope.

Their arrival in Mitras was an unfriendly one. Nile grit his teeth when Erwin dismounted the carriage outside the MP headquarters with his band of misfits in tow. Levi, followed by a salivating Hange and then a bored-looking Mike all exited after their Commander, and Erwin could almost see Nile squirm in discontent.

As Erwin approached, Nile leaned in, “You had to bring all your pets along?”

And Erwin only smirked in response. “Eren Yeager. I would like to speak with him.”

The prison in which the MP’s were holding the young recruit was an abomination - they even had him shackled to a bed, both arms outstretched so as to keep them from his face. It was supposedly through some sort of self-harm that Eren had been able to perform the titan transformation. This ridiculous set-up was obviously meant to prevent any such action but as Erwin saw it, it was more a show of power against something the government did not understand, something it feared. Eren Yeager was the physical manifestation of that fear - he represented something uncontrollable, something dangerous. Erwin was thrilled at the possibilities presented by his very existence.

The shock of his transformation and the energy he had obviously expended had rendered Eren unconscious for days. So Erwin waited patiently, biding his time and formulating a plan. And when Eren awoke, it was Erwin who greeted him, welcomed him back into the cruel world, with Levi, ever faithful at his side.

It astonished Erwin that he hadn’t noticed before. Eren Yeager, despite his conviction and strong words, was a child, no more than sixteen years old. Behind the bars, confused and disoriented, Eren looked his age, and it chilled Erwin to the core, knowing the burden he was determined to place on the shoulders of his young boy. But he didn’t have a choice.

Erwin pulled forth the key Armin Arlert had given him, the key he had procured off of Eren’s own body and the recruit’s eyes widened in shock.

“Where did you get that?”

“It’s yours,” Erwin nodded. “You’ll get it back. But first, we need to know your intentions.”

“I want to join the Scout Regiment and kill titans.” The hate in that voice, the passion in those green eyes startled Erwin, almost frightened him. But it brought Levi back to life at his side. He watched the Captain approach the bars, peer in at Eren, make threats that would have otherwise scared off any normal recruit. But Eren seemed undeterred, firm in his resolve. And Erwin knew. They had found their hope. Now the trick was persuading the government to let them have him.

The trial was set to begin in two days time. And as they waited, news of the plans of the Military Police filtered to them, passed down through their ranks like standard military gossip, though Erwin didn’t doubt the truth of it.

“They want to dissect Eren, to pick him apart piece by piece, most likely killing him in the process.” Hange’s words were cold, her voice deep and angry.

“They’ll do what they need to do to eradicate what they see as a threat,” Erwin agreed. “Their fear makes them dangerous.”

“We can’t let that happen, Erwin. Do we have a plan?”

Silence then. Erwin could hear the pounding of his own heart. _Do we have a plan?_

Levi broke the silence. “Erwin, do you trust me?”

The Commander recognized those words, words he would often use on Levi, words that brought them both back into some semblance of reality, grounded them in their mutual trust.

“Of course.” Blue eyes connected with cold steel, unwavering.

Levi’s plan was, of course, a success. Though seeing the young recruit beaten to a bloody pulp by _Humanity’s Strongest Soldier_ was a difficult sight to behold, even for someone as stoic and hardened as Erwin. The eyes of the nobles and government officials were wide, horrified as Levi’s boot slammed into Eren’s stomach, downed him, felled him where he knelt. Blood pooled from the young man’s nose as dark bruises, red welts formed on his face, on any piece of exposed skin. Levi was unrelenting, perhaps even cruel, though every blow he dealt was necessary, one piece of a well-formulated plan.

Nile himself trembled, his eyes wide and petrified behind his pulpit. “Levi...what if he gets angry and transforms - “

And Levi almost smirked. “Wasn’t your plan to dissect him?”

Silence fell. Erwin could tell from the expressions in the crowd, from the look on Zakley’s face, that they had won, that Eren Yeager would be placed in Survey Corps custody. And he took that moment to play on the emotions of the throng, to propose that Eren be placed under Captain Levi’s watch. The one man who would do what was necessary, the one man who could dispatch him if needed. Though Erwin knew it wouldn’t be needed. The look of desperation on Eren’s face proved that.

As the shackles were removed from Eren’s wrists and he was escorted back to the Survey Corps rooms to meet with the team, Erwin could see relief on that young, bruised face.It seemed Eren was already one of them, at home and even comfortable among the scouts despite’s Hange’s probing and prodding, and the slight flush of his cheeks when Levi sat down on the couch next to him.

“Now Eren, do you resent me?” Erwin wanted to chuckle seeing the young scout shy away from Levi’s intense stare. Like a wounded animal shying away from his abuser. But Eren was much smarter than that. He shook his head.

“No, I understand. You did what you had to do.”

Erwin himself offered Eren his hand. “You have my respect. I’m looking forward to working with you, Eren.”

Eren flushed deeply at his words, took Erwin’s hand and shook it. And Erwin could see himself in that hopeful, timid expression. Perhaps in a way, they were helping eachother fulfill their own dreams. Eren, by providing Erwin with a path to discovering the truth. And Erwin by providing Eren with wings and blades to fight.

While Hange entertained Eren, Erwin pulled Levi aside. “You think your Squad will be able to keep him safe and contained?”

Levi nodded solemnly, watching the young scout with narrowed eyes. “Better than anyone else. They should be on their way here now. I expect their arrival this evening. We’ll depart for the base tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll miss you.” Erwin smirked at the twitch in Levi’s face.

“You’ll be fine.”

“Perhaps.” He leaned closer to Levi so his breath rustled the dark hair covering Levi’s ear. “Will I get the pleasure of your company before you leave? I’d like the opportunity to thank you for your performance in the courtroom today.”

Levi’s eyes flashed and he clicked his tongue, shifted uncomfortably, though Erwin could see a subtle flush fall over his cheeks. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he whispered, placing a hand on Levi’s shoulder before drawing back towards Hange and Eren.

The arrival of Levi’s Squad was met with wide eyes and admiration from Eren. He knew them all by name, had memorized their individual kill counts. Petra seemed to take to the young recruit immediately though the others eyed him warily as if unsure of his capabilities, unsure of his intentions. Though the trust they placed in their Captain was endearing to Erwin. He could see the way they looked to Levi, watched him for cues. And briefly, Erwin was called back to the day Levi  entered the Survey Corps, how wild and almost feral he seemed back then, incapable of accepting instruction, disdainful towards criticism. Now, he was the perfect soldier, the perfect leader, everything. Levi’s eyes connected with Erwin’s for a moment, and that connection took Erwin’s breath away and procuring a smile from his lips. He would never get used to that - the quiet, heavy looks across a crowded room that belonged to them alone.

Behind closed doors, as in those quiet, still moments, Levi was his alone.

“You did so well today.” Erwin’s voice was silky, lusty, heavy and Levi smirked. Erwin’s arms enveloped him, pulled him in so their chests were touching, rising and falling in rhythm. He didn’t have the patience to wait, didn’t have the restraint to keep his hands off of Levi.

“Told you to trust me.” Levi’s eyelids fluttered as Erwin breathed against his ear, laid kisses on his temple.

“I always will.” Erwin hurriedly began tugging at the buttons of Levi’s shirt, pulling away his cravat, slipping his fingers impatiently under the harnesses that kept Levi’s body restrained. “You’re leaving tomorrow morning?”

“Yes.” Levi’s shirt was on the ground. He was responding to Erwin’s fingers tracing the lines of his bare chest, fighting back moans and gasps as Erwins lips trailed his skin. “Before the sun rises. Don’t want any MP’s spotting us and doing something they would regret. I assume you’ll stay for the graduation of the 104th?”

“I’m not expecting the turnout we had last year,” Erwin mumbled into Levi’s neck and Levi scoffed.

“Of course not.” Levi’s hands were on him now, caressing his neck, running through his hair. He felt a burning desire course under his skin every place those fingers made contact. “Most of those recruits will have been scared shitless after the attack on Trost…But those loyal to Eren...”

“My thoughts exactly.” Erwin took Levi’s lips for a moment, bit his bottom lip before kissing him again. His hands grazed the soft black hair, twining in the thick locks. “By the time I join you, I’ll have the approval for another mission.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed. “So soon into Zakley’s decision to allow us to take Eren on? We can’t have any screw-ups or it will be reason for Dok to petition to take him back.” Levi was forcefully tugging on the buckles of Erwin’s harnesses now, moving from his thigh to his hips.

“We won’t have any screw-ups. We’ll capture that female.”

Levi paused with his hands around Erwin’s belt. With wide eyes, his face flickered to Erwin’s, studying him, his breathing growing heavy from something more than arousal, Erwin suspected.

“What did you say?”

“I’m sure of it now, after hearing Eren plead his case. That female titan is a human in disguise. It was there the day the walls fell. It led a horde of titans down on us, down on the walls just after the Armored and Colossal titans broke through. They’re working together, traitors in our midst.”

“If that’s the case, that would explain its ability to decimate us the last time we went against it. How it predicted our moves. You really think trying to capture it again is a good idea?” There was a bite in Levi’s tone, a questioning edge that Erwin knew he should have expected.

“It’s necessary. We have to know who is inside that female. Besides, this time, we’ll be prepared. We’ll use the cannons Hange has prepared, hundreds of them. She won’t be able to escape.”

“And if we fail? If we’re wrong?” Erwin paused. If they failed, it might lose them Eren, might lead to serious repercussions for the Scout Regiment. But...

“It’s worth the risk. Capturing that female will change the tides of this war. She will lead us to the others. And bring us one step closer -.”

“To the truth, you’ve mentioned that.” Levi rolled his eyes.

Erwin raised an eyebrow. “I’ve become obvious to you. Boring, even.”

“You’re anything but boring, old man. But I’ll trust your judgement. You better know what you’re doing.”

Levi’s trust in him, unwavering, and firm, brought about a wave of passion in Erwin, filled him with a sense of pride, a sense of purpose. With desperate, desirous hands, Erwin tugged the belt from Levi’s waist, caressed his groin as Levi let out a gasp of surprise.

“I want to thank you for today,” Erwin breathed into his ear as he continued to grope Levi through his trousers, feeling his member grow solid in his hand. “For what’s to come. For what you’ll do should I ask it of you.”

“Erwin…” Levi’s hands were trembling as they tangled in Erwin’s hair. Hearing his name on those lips set Erwin’s heart ablaze. It would be several long days before he could touch Levi like this again so he was determined to make the most of it, draw it out, make it count.

“What do you want from me, Levi?” Slowly his hand slipped under the band of Levi’s trousers and the smaller man panted heavily, rutted his cock against Erwin’s hand.

“We seriously going to play this game again tonight?” He growled, but Erwin could hear the heat of his desire in his voice. He leaned in and parted Levi’s lips with his own, allowing his tongue to flirt with Levi’s. With his free hand, he twined Levi’s black hair around his fingertips, tugged him closer with a strong, desperately forceful grip.

“What do you want?” He whispered, his voice low, his breathing heavy.

He knew Levi hated the vulnerability of having to express his desires aloud. Levi was a man of action, stoic and dangerous. And part of Erwin loved to break him down, tear him apart piece by piece to expose the fragile tenderness underneath that hard exterior. It was deliciously beautiful, undeniably satisfying.

“I want you, Erwin.” His voice was strained, agonized.

“How do you want me?” Erwin was heavily aroused now, throbbing against Levi’s body.

Levi quivered in Erwin’s hand, his member sticky with pre-come. Erwin couldn’t wait anymore. In a matter of quick movements, he was on his knees, pulling Levi’s pants around his ankles, enveloping his cock in the warmth of his mouth.

Erwin’s hands wrapped around Levi’s ass to hold him steady as his tongue circled the head of his cock. He felt Levi’s hands did into his scalp, urging him on as Levi bucked his hips, moaned quietly.

He had been amazing today, done so well. Erwin thought back to the courtroom, how Levi had saved them all, procured them a monster that would be their new hope.

He looked up at Levi’s flushed face, memorized every detail of him in that moment. Hot, aroused, naked, vulnerable. Erwin’s alone.

“Is this what you want?”

Levi swallowed hard and shook his head, pulled Erwin back to his feet. As Levi pressed his lips to Erwin’s, his hands cascaded over his body, opening the front of his shirt, caressing the sensitive skin of his chest. “Tell me, then.”

“I want to...fuck you…” Shivers of arousal shot up and down Erwin’s spine like bolts of lighting. Like the first time their eyes had connected that day in Erwin’s office so many years ago.

“Good,” he breathed out the word, desperate for more touch, more connection, more Levi. He pulled out a bottle of oil from the pocket of his pants, a lewd smile playing at his features.

They tumbled into bed, chaotically grasping and tearing at eachother, hands clawing, digging in. It was not enough, would never be enough. But for now, it was everything. Erwin’s shirt was carelessly discarded on the floor, followed by his trousers. He groaned wordlessly as Levi grasped the solid member between his legs, stroked and tugged firmly and at an even, steady pace. Levi’s lips grazed the line of Erwin’s jaw, laying kisses on his cheek and neck. Erwin could hear the subtle panting of his breath, feel the racing of his heart.

The feel of Levi inside him was, as always, a feeling of completeness. As if he and Levi were the only two people in the world, at the end of all things, and in that moment, nothing else mattered to Erwin. His mind was a blank slate of pleasure. And Levi.

Levi was violent in the way he made love, a torrid, rough fucking that took Erwin’s breath away, had him whimpering in blissful agony. And he knew Levi took pleasure in that. In stripping away the Commander and laying bare only the man, a human, a mortal who belonged to Levi alone.

He came in a prolonged release, the pleasure sweeping over him and enveloping in sweet torment. His eyes fluttered closed and he let out a sound that was almost feral in nature, his fingers curled around the sheets, clutching and grasping, grounding him. Fuck he loved this. And he loved the only man capable of making him feel this way. Vulnerable yet whole.

He watched Levi’s face as he came, watched him cry out, studied the beauty of his open mouth and his flushed cheeks. That look was so erotic, so exposed and unguarded. It settled in Erwin’s heart knowing that he was the only person in the entire world allowed to see Captain Levi this way. After he finished, Levi was pulled down to Erwin by strong yet trembling hands. Erwin laid a kiss on his lips, tenderly gazed into those steel colored eyes. “I love you,” he purred out and Levi shook his head, collapsed into Erwin’s waiting arms.

After a silent moment of basking in their shared bliss, Erwin found his mind again wandering. He was slowly becoming the Commander again, slowly leaving the man behind.

“Levi...don’t say anything to your Squad about the  upcoming mission. I’m hiding the details from Zakley and the brass as well. As far as they know, it’s a typical reconnaissance mission. That’s all we can allow anyone else to know.”

Levi stirred beside him. Erwin could feel his eyes. “Keeping the mission’s true objective from our men will cost us lives - “

“We don’t have a choice. If I’m right and the traitors exist among us, we can’t allow them to know we’re coming after them.”

“You’ve played that card before, Erwin. Do you remember how it turned out?”

Erwin remembered. Stella and Gris. Marcelle and Fitz.

“It won’t be like that again. I promise.”

That morning, Levi Squad left with Eren in tow and Erwin watched with his heart in his throat. He had trusted Levi with humanity’s hope, with his own hope of facing the truth. Levi met his eyes once more before their formation headed out, headed back to Trost. Those eyes seemed to implore him to be safe, to be smart. And in those eyes, Erwin could see trust burning like a wildfire. Levi trusted him, would always trust him.

As Levi led his squad away, as the hoof steps resounded and echoed off into the distance, Erwin urged himself to be worth of that trust, to be worthy of the man who held his heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I'm SO sorry it's been so long since I've posted! SO LONG. I'm the worst. I didn't give up on this fic - I've just been dealing with quite a bit.
> 
> I hope you like this continuation. I'm not 100% on it but it was fun to get back into it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think. Much love :)
> 
> Just added: chapter song is Gasoline by the Federal Empire!

It had happened again. Dead eyes, glazed over, gazing back at him without seeing him. It took every amount of strength Levi possessed to steady himself, to keep himself upright when he so badly wanted to fall to his knees and mourn. The pain raging through him was all-consuming, over-riding. It was more than just his injured leg. He choked back a silent sob as he and Mike worked silently to gather the bodies, bringing them forth from a darkened forest into the sunlight that offered no denying the reality of their situation. It had happened again.

* * *

The place was a filthy, dirty, disgraceful mess. The unused former headquarters of the Survey Corps was the perfect place to camp out with Eren, to keep him contained and protected, as Erwin had requested. But it made Levi’s skin crawl thinking about sleeping under that roof, the cobwebs dangling over his head, the dustmites slinking about in the darkness.

First thing’s first: teaching Eren how to clean.

Levi dispatched his Squad to sweeping, dusting and scrubbing, while placing Eren under their watchful eyes. And as Levi was sure he would, Eren gravitated naturally to Petra, following her lead. So be it, let Petra take the brunt of that burden if she wanted it.  
Levi was content to observe Eren from afar, watch his movements and ensure his trustworthiness.Though Erwin was quick to trust his intentions, Levi was not so easily swayed. 

Levi’s thoughts strayed to Erwin often in his absence. That look on his face when he was present but far away, when the Commander mask was pulled tightly over his features, hiding the man from the world, protecting him from all but Levi alone. There were times, in the darkness of his mind, Levi worried that perhaps even he did not know who Erwin really was, what he really wanted. It was a disturbing thought and one Levi often had to abandon for all its fruitlessness, all the unnecessary anxieties it caused. 

“Captain?” Eld’s voice interrupted his quiet musings and he turned to stare at his second in command. Eld’s blond hair was tied up which a white bandana, in a similar fashion to Levi’s and he held a broom in his hand. On his face, he wore a somber expression, one Levi had not seen Eld often wear. “Do you have a minute?”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“There’s a lot of...dissent...among the ranks. Scouts feeling overwhelmed, confused...It’s just...do you think the Commander has a plan?” 

Levi paused. Doubt seemed to be running rampant and unchecked these days. “What do you mean?”

Eld scoffed at himself, shook his head and the bandana waggled in the air. “It’s just...it all seems so sudden, so unplanned. The Commander is satisfied with Eren’s trustworthiness but...how can we be so sure?”

“We have to trust Erwin.” Levi was growing weary of reassuring his men, of protecting Erwin’s reputation and defending his intentions. “And trust in our own ability to kill Eren Yeager if he proves to be a threat. No one is better suited to that task than us.”

Eld’s eyes grew wide. Finally, he nodded. “Yes, sir.” As he turned to go, he hesitated in the doorway for a moment. “Captain? Your faith in the Commander...do you ever doubt him?”

Levi almost smiled at that. All the time, he wanted to say. But instead, he said, “We have to trust that Erwin has his eyes on something we can’t see. There’s no one better suited for leading the Corps. Do you trust me?”

Eld stiffened. “Of course. We all do.”

“Good, then. Get back to work, will you?” He allowed a brief smirk to show through, hopefully setting Eld’s mind at rest. As Eld returned the smile and saluted, headed back into the depths of the headquarters, Levi wished he could do the same for himself. Wished he could set his own mind at ease amidst the churning and writhing thoughts that so consumed it. 

Hange’s arrival that night set off a chain of events that Levi could not have anticipated. She was urgent in her desire to experiment on Eren, to tell him all about the titans they had captured, titans she had named Sonny and Beane. And Eren, young and inexperienced with Hange’s antics, bought into her ramblings and proddings with wide curious eyes and flushed cheeks. Hange talked him into a stupor that night, only pausing to mourn the untimely deaths of her beloved titan captives. To the disbelief and shock of the entire Corps, an unknown vigilante had snuck into their headquarters overnight and slain the titans where Hange had them imprisoned. It was a betrayal none of them had expected. 

Erwin’s arrival with a fresh crop of new recruits in tow was greeted with Hange’s horrified, distraught screams. Erwin found Levi in the gathered crowd. They exchanged knowing looks before Erwin moved closer to Eren, whispering something into his ear. As Levi watched their interaction, he saw Eren’s eyes widening as he studied his Commander, the man who still confused and intrigued him. The man who confounded them all.

Erwin was out of pocket for the next few days, preparing for their mission and in his absence, Levi rarely took his eyes off Eren Yeager. When he was training, when Hanji’s titan experiments went awry, Levi was there, watching, assessing, diffusing tensions. Still, he did not trust the kid. But over time, Eren began to grow on him.

In a week’s time, Erwin announced the upcoming expedition to the Corps. Tense excitement was in the air as the new recruits became accustomed to the idea that this was the life they had chosen for themselves. He could see anxiety and apprehension written on their faces like a brand on their foreheads. What did they see when they looked back at him? Did they see his doubt? His distrust? Or did they see in him a beacon of hope? Levi couldn’t be sure when he himself felt so confused, so lost in a sea of muddied waters and grand delusions.

 

The night before the expedition’s departure, Levi found Eren sitting with Petra on the roof of the fortress, watching the stars glittering overhead. They were speaking in lowered voices and although Levi could see a smile tugging at Eren’s lips as Petra spoke, he could also see the anxiety in those large green eyes, the subtle tremor in his shoulders. All at once, Levi was hit with a wave of nostalgia. He moved closer, allowing the light breeze to rustle his hair. Bringing his arms across his chest, Levi allowed his eyes to close as the cool air embraced him like an old friend.

“Captain?” Petra’s voice roused him from his solemn musings. His presence had been noticed. Eren’s eyes were staring at him, wide and imploring. An invitation extended, Levi moved closer. 

“Petra, give us a moment, yea?” He nodded to the young brat at his feet and Petra’s eyes widened. 

“Of course, Captain.” As she got to her feet, Eren’s eyes darted to her moving form, as if begging her to stay. “I’ll see you soon, Eren,” she said, her tone comforting, gentle. She placed her hand on his shoulder for the briefest of moments and Levi noticed the teeth marks that had scabbed over, nearly healed. The marks that had been left there only a week or so ago in a show of solidarity with their young Eren, a welcoming of sorts, into their squad. To Squad Levi, Eren Yeager was family now, a part of them. 

As Petra disappeared from view, heading back into the looming doorway to headquarters, Levi eased himself down next to Eren. He didn’t look at him, didn’t speak to him, but could feel the kid shift uneasily in his presence. 

“Captain?” Eren whispered, a question in that one solitary word uttered aloud. 

Levi almost smirked. The kid was scared...he was terrified. That much was obvious. Although the brat was a titan in human form, tomorrow would still be his first expedition beyond the walls - his first crusade into titan territory. There was so much riding on him. Yet so much of Erwin’s plan was still veiled, well-hidden as if behind a shroud of uncertainty. “You should be in bed. It’s late. We have an early morning tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry...I...I’m just not ready to be alone yet...Petra said she would keep me company...”

“You have been spending too much time around Petra, then. She loves to apologize…” There was an attempt at a joke in his words but Eren didn’t seem to notice. He flushed under Levi’s gaze. 

“I’m sor - “

“Tsk...forget it.” Levi started to move, to pull away, the awkwardness of the situation becoming too much. “Just get some sleep, Yeager, will you?”

“Captain?” Levi paused, turned to see Eren’s wide eyes on him.

“What is it?”

Eren blinked, his gaze hesitantly flickering back up to the vast starscape above them. “Does it always feel like this?” 

“What?”

“Terrifying...hopeful...confused...excited...overwhelming.” The hint of a smile played over the young scout’s features. The stars twinkled overhead, drawing Levi’s eyes in turn. “I don’t know how to feel. My whole life...all I wanted to do was kill titans...to become a scout and avenge all the lives the titans have taken from us. And then...my mother...I felt so much hatred. But now, faced with my first mission, I feel...too much and nothing at all.”

Levi settled back down next to him. “I suppose it never really changes.”

“I just...I want to feel like what I’m doing, what I’ve devoted my life to doing...I want to feel like it matters. Like it's making a difference.”

Levi smirked. “You sound like Erwin…”

Eren’s eyes raised to Levi’s face, studying him inquisitively. The look on his face was shocked but pleased nonetheless. “The Commander?”

“Who else?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Two men who are making more of a difference than anyone else. Yet both feel they can never do enough. Never be enough. Do us all a favor...Don’t be like Erwin. The Corps can only handle one selfless martyr at a time.”

“Do you think the Commander is wrong? In trusting me? In placing so much faith in me?”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”

Eren blanched at Levi’s words. “I...I won’t let him be wrong.”

“Good. Don’t let us down, Yeager. Everything we have, all the progress we’ve made, is riding on you.” 

Silence surrounded them, like a chill settling in their bones. It kept them separated yet Levi could tell Eren wasn’t finished. There was a question lingering on his lips as he watched the darkness above them. 

“Captain...why did you join the Survey Corps?”

Levi was stunned by the question. No one had ever had the audacity to ask him that before, to delve so deeply into his past. No one but Erwin was brave enough to dig below the surface of Captain Levi.

Eren faltered slightly, perhaps realizing the personal nature of the question he had posed. “I’m sorry - if that was overstepping - “

“It was.” Levi sighed heavily before conceding. “I joined the Survey Corps at first selfishly. But I stayed because I saw something bigger than myself, something worth protecting.”

“Your belief in the Commander?”

Levi raised an eyebrow in surprise. Who the hell was this kid? “My belief in the Corps. And the man who leads it. His vision of a future, his dream of a world without titans. It’s all something I can’t see. But I want to. And I’ll do anything to protect it.”

Eren smiled then, a soft glow falling over his features. Levi shifted uncomfortably. 

“What?” he demanded and Eren laughed lightly. 

“It’s just...you’re not really what I expected.”

“Disappointed, are you, Yeager?”

“Not at all.” Eren was still smiling, a light flush coloring his cheeks. “I think watching you from afar, dreaming about being just like you...fighting titans like you do...I always thought you seemed like a god. But you’re human, aren’t you? You care about your squad, you believe in the Commander and you follow his orders without question.”

“Most of the questioning happens behind closed doors…”

“Either way...it makes everything seem more attainable. Thank you, Captain. Thank you for taking a chance on me.”

Levi grunted. “Thank Erwin. All I’m doing is following orders.”

Eren nodded but the smile didn’t fade from his face. “I suppose I’ll head back in now.” 

“Probably for the best,” Levi conceded. “Get some sleep. You’ll need a clear head tomorrow.”

Eren stood and turned to go, his eyes lingering on Levi for a moment. There was something hidden in those green eyes, some sort of wistful admiration. Levi had never been one for kind or inspiring words but he hoped silently that in some way, he had brought some quiet to Eren’s clammering heart. He hoped that he might have brought some solace to Eren, perhaps in the same way Isabel and Furlan had once brought solace to him before his first expedition.

“G...goodnight, Captain.” Eren’s voice was quiet, uncertain, almost imploring and Levi conceded.

“Good night, Eren.”

He had to admit it to himself. He liked the kid. Eren was impulsive, hot-headed and reckless. But beyond that, Eren Yeager was dedicated, determined to prove himself and desperate to fight back against the titans that had destroyed his childhood. There were remnants of an innocence lost behind those green eyes. In that small way, Eren reminded Levi of himself. Perhaps even Eren was able to recognize a similar heart to his own beating inside Levi’s chest. Getting Eren to tame and control himself would be a fight, but it was one Levi was willing to endure. Afterall, Erwin Smith had done the same for him not so long ago.

“Captain? I thought you’d have gone to bed by now.” Petra. She had found him seated in the same spot in which she had left him. 

“I could say the same, Petra.” He glanced over at her to see her approaching, moving stealthily across the roofline. 

“Do you mind if I join you for a bit?”

He shook his head and she sat close enough that their shoulders were touching. He knew without looking directly at her that her cheeks were bright pink in the moonlight, due to their close proximity. It fell silent between them for a moment as Petra’s eyes were drawn to the same stars that held him entranced. 

Finally, after a long but not uncomfortable lull, Petra spoke. “The stars bring me so much comfort, Captain. It’s because of you. Sometimes when I get nervous before an expedition, when I can’t sleep, when I feel guilty or angry or confused, I come up here and just watch them. That’s why I brought Eren up here. I thought that maybe he could use some comfort.”

Levi glanced at her questioningly and she continued. 

“Whatever you said to him, Captain, it seemed to settle his mind. You have that way with people. It’s so strange.” She chuckled slightly. “You bring me peace, Captain.”

He turned to face her and silver eyes locked with gold. “Petra…”

“I know you told me to stop apologizing. So I’m not going to say I’m sorry.” She smirked and he almost laughed out loud. “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

Levi shook his head. In his own way, he knew he did love Petra. There was something about this kind yet fierce young woman that seemed to entrance everyone who came to meet her. She had enraptured Eren, Oruo, all the other members of Levi’s squad. Perhaps even Levi himself. 

“Captain...can I tell you something?” 

“What is it?”

She flinched slightly. “Eren has reminded me of something. Something I haven’t felt in a while. He reminded me of hope. Of the beauty of the unknown. In this world where we seem to have so little ability to decide our own fates, the future is filled with so many possibilities. If we had known only a year ago that Eren existed, how differently might we have behaved, how differently might we have planned. We never imagined he would appear and bring us such hope, such possibility. Eren being here, with us now, it’s changed everything. And it's filled me with a new hope. I feel stronger, more courageous, more able to believe in a future I never believed in before. Do you feel the same way?”

Levi raised an eyebrow, studying Petra in a way he never had before. He hadn’t thought about it. Since Eren’s entrance into the Survey Corps, Levi had felt confusion, determination. But hope? He knew Erwin felt elation and eagerness and Hange felt the excitement of intrigue. Did any of them view Eren in the same way as Petra? 

“You feel all this looking at that scrawny little kid?”

She laughed. “I do. It’s even more than his titan ability though. It’s his heart. He reminds me…” she blushed. “Sometimes he reminds me of you.”

“Me?”

“There are times when I don’t know if you two could be any more different. But sometimes...sometimes it's there. He takes strength from you just like the rest of us do. He looks up to you, Captain. And more than anything, he wants to fight. More than any soldier I have ever seen. For the longest time, I thought our fight was in vain. I thought the titans would claim us all. But now...now I feel something else. And that feeling has made me brave.”

“Petra, be smart. Don’t let that bravery override your feelings of self-preservation.”

“No.” She wasn’t looking at him. Her gaze was stolen by the stars as she brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them to herself. “It’s not that at all. For the first time in my life, I feel like there’s something for me after all this. A life. A future. Without titans, without walls. Without fear.” Her eyes met his, the threat of tears glimmering under the gold irises. “Do you think that could be true, Captain? Do you think there’s more? After all this?”

His heart stilled in his chest. Petra had laid herself bare in front of him, had torn her heart out and offered it to him. He was desperate not to break that heart with which he had been entrusted. But he knew...he could never give her what she so deeply wanted, never be trusted not to hurt her. Not when, even now, faced with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, he was thinking of, longing for, Erwin Smith. 

“Petra…”

“No...please. Just another moment. I need just another moment of hope.” She allowed her knees to fall away from her chest as she moved in closer to him and lightly pressed her lips against his. 

Levi’s breath caught in his throat as Petra’s left hand gently came to rest on the side of his face. For a moment, he felt himself lost in her scent, the feel of her chest rising and falling against his. His heart skipped a beat as she daringly deepened the kiss, parting his lips with her own. Her fingers had wound themselves into the thick black strands of his hair yet her touch was so hesitant, so gentle, as though she was afraid pushing too hard would send him to revolting away from her. Levi’s heart was pounding, pounding, pounding against his ribcage. His mind was in turmoil but his body stayed firmly rooted to the spot, warmed by the fire in her touch. Her hands were so hauntingly different from Erwin’s, the feel of her body so strange after years of holding Erwin’s alone. When finally she pulled away, she rested her forehead against his. “I know it can't ever be. I know that. So maybe I’m a fool. But I need you to know, Captain. I need you to know that I’m yours. I always have been yours.”

His eyes were wide in a shock he had never before experienced. Stunned into submission and unable to form words or coherent thoughts, he was unable to respond, to comfort her, to tell her not to be embarrassed. As Petra watched his face for a response, tears fell from her eyes. “I’m not sorry,” she whispered as she got to her feet. In a series of quick movements, Petra released her gears and jumped from the building’s ledge, riding the cables until her body gently careened out of his view. 

Levi’s heart was racing. What the fuck had just happened? He felt a fool. He had known Petra’s feelings for him. Had known them for a while. What had he expected? That she would eventually get over them? Let them go? This whole time, had he led her on? And in doing so, had he betrayed Erwin’s trust? He solemnly put his head in his hands and raked his scalp with his fingernails. It struck him as ridiculous then, that he, the street urchin scum of the underground was now an object of desire. It was nothing he had asked for, nothing he could have predicted. Yet it didn’t feel terrible. To be desired. To feel wanted. 

He realized, however unwillingly, the ache in his body for Erwin. The hunger for his touch. It had been weeks since the Commander had touched him, though their eyes connected meaningfully every time they were near one another. He had seen that desire burning behind the sea-blue of Erwin’s eyes as well. But Erwin had never been busier. He and Hange had spent entire days cloistered behind the closed doors of his office planning their attack on the female titan. It wasn’t that Levi was not welcome at those meetings or that his input was not valued. The brats needed him. Eren Yeager needed him. And Levi was better served in that capacity then in planning expeditions. He was a man of action, not a strategist. Let Erwin pick a direction and Levi would move with a purposeful vigor towards it.

He needed Erwin now more than ever. 

It was late. Well past midnight but Levi knew Erwin would still be awake. He approached the Commander’s office but was surprised to find it dark. Could it be that Erwin was actually asleep in his bed? Upon continuing his search, Levi found no trace of Erwin in his bedroom either. 

Giving up, Levi headed back to his own solitary quarters, resigning himself to a night alone, lost in the guilt of his own thoughts. But when he opened the door to his room, he found a large body curled under the sheets of his bed. Light snores told him he had found his lost Commander and warmth pooled in his chest, flooding him with relief. Silently, he stripped off his clothes and climbed into bed, curling himself around the one man who could make him feel wholly human, completely safe.  
Erwin stirred only slightly as Levi laid down beside him. “Levi,” he mumbled softly and rolled over to envelope the smaller man in his strong arms. 

When he was certain that Erwin had fallen back asleep, Levi leaned in, planted a soft kiss on his lips and whispered, “I love you.”

* * *

Levi was numb. He hadn’t had time to process their deaths, too preoccupied with saving Eren’s sorry ass, with reigning in his pig-headed friend, that Ackerman girl. But now, back at headquarters, surrounded by soldiers in mourning, Levi was propelled into crashing waves of reality and disbelief. The pain in his leg was overwhelming. He hadn’t felt pain like this since...since Yan’s bullet had pierced his shoulder all those years ago. But he wouldn’t let anyone see that weakness. Especially not Erwin.  
He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Mike found him tending to his horse, straining to keep weight off his leg without appearing too conspicuous. “You’re injured,” was all Mike said to announce his presence and Levi scoffed. 

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not. You can say you are but you’re lying. None of us are fine. You least of all.”

Levi narrowed his eyes and flashed a dangerous look at Mike but the bigger man could not be dissuaded. “Erwin told me...about your squad…”

“Don’t,” Levi warned. 

Mike moved closer to him and Levi snarled, “Mike, don’t.”

“I know you loved them, Levi...you put up this hard, stone-cold exterior but I know you're in pain. You don’t have to be strong right now…”

“Mike...fucking stop it. I’m warning you.”

Mike was still moving towards him. Levi clenched his fists at his sides. Tears were burning in his eyes, sending him into a fit of unbridled rage. He could feel it welling in his chest. He was going to snap and Mike was going to get the brunt of it if he didn’t back the fuck up. 

“Levi…” Mike was reaching out with rough hands, pulling Levi into him, wrapping him tightly in those massive, powerful arms. 

Levi had had enough. His fist connected with Mike’s jaw, knocking him back. In a fit of rage, he threw himself at Mike, pushing and shoving as though forcing Mike back would force his feelings back as well. Mike’s arms were strong and Levi growled as Mike fought back, eventually pinning Levi’s arms down and holding him still, pressing his face against the fabric of his jacket. Even despite Levi’s rage, Mike was embracing him, as if hoping to offer some comfort. Finally, Levi gave in, his hands curling into claw-like vices, as he reached out and returned the embrace. His nails dug into Mike’s back as he used Mike’s firm body to hold him steady with his face resting on Mike’s broad shoulder. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. He was so angry. So devastated. It had happened again. He had been too late to stop it. 

“We all loved them, Levi. They were the best of us. You trained them so well...no normal titan could have done this... We’ll find the piece of shit responsible. And make her pay.”  
Levi pulled away slowly, once the heaving of his chest seemed to be under control. He saw tear marks like ragged red scratches on Mike’s face. “I’m so sorry, Levi.”

Mike’s voice, Petra’s words. 

He remembered the last words she had spoken to him, I’m not sorry. He remembered the feel of her lips on his own. She had loved him, had devoted herself to him as a wife would her husband. She had died loving him. And he had never been able to return that love. She had died knowing the pain of his rejection, broken-hearted. 

“Levi?” His eyes snapped back to Mike’s face. “Erwin’s been asking for you. He...he didn’t know. About your squad. He’s worried about you.”

“I don’t need his concern,” Levi spat. He hadn’t realized how his rage seemed to have directed itself at Erwin. Thinking about the Commander made his anger burn hotter and more fiercely. “I’m fine.”

He harshly pulled away from Mike, staggering back on his left leg and inadvertently cursed in pain. “Shit!” 

“Levi -” Mike was reaching out again but Levi brushed him off roughly. Ignoring the pain that coursed up his leg and throughout his entire body, Levi left the stables and didn’t look back. 

He trailed the grounds alone, allowing himself to limp when out of sight of the others. Finally, after several laps around headquarters, Levi released his gears and shot up to the roof, the same roof upon which Petra had laid her lips to his own. And to his surprise, he was not alone in seeking the solitude of the roof’s darkness. 

Erwin looked up in surprise. He was seated up against one of the many turrets of the old castle building and therefore had been hidden from Levi’s view until he mounted the roof. He stood as Levi approached, holding a hand out to him.

“Levi...” Erwin’s eyes immediately dropped to Levi’s left leg, observing the marginal weight Levi was currently placing on it. “Levi, are you hurt?”

“It’s nothing,” Levi snapped, crossing his arms in front of his chest, rejecting Erwin’s advance and imploring, grasping hands.

“It doesn’t look like nothing...When did this happen?”

“I told you, it’s nothing. It didn’t matter then and it doesn’t matter now.”

Erwin was studying him, watching the movements of his leg, watching for any tells that might betray him. “Levi…”

“Let it go, Erwin. Mike said you were looking for me. What do you want?”

“I thought I might find you up here…”

“So, what? You’ve been waiting for your faithful dog to return to you like a good servant? Don’t you have anything better to do, Commander?”

Levi could barely see it, but it seemed that, in the darkness of the nightscape surrounding them, Erwin flinched slightly. “Your squad….why didn’t you tell me?” 

Levi’s eyes narrowed. “It didn’t matter then and it doesn’t matter now.” His repeated words seemed to burn into Erwin. His brow furrowed into a frown of disdain. 

“I disagree.”

“They were soldiers. That’s all they ever were. Pawns in this game we’re playing. And now they’ve expended their usefulness. Like all soldiers will eventually. Like I will. And for what? We’re no nearer to capturing the female titan than we were before. And what do we have to show for it? We’ll lose Eren for sure. And you? You’ll be headed straight for a tribunal...Zakley and Dok will ask for your resignation…”

“That won’t happen.”

Levi glared up at him, saw that handsome face set in solemnity. “What the hell do you mean?”

“We’re close, Levi. We’re close to finding her. Armin Arlert has given me valuable information - information we can’t ignore. We may know her identity. It’s a gamble. But we mean to target her in human form.”

“Dammit, Erwin. That’s all we have? Another gamble? My squad died for a gamble?”

“That’s all I can give you right now, yes. I’m sorry, Levi.”

Levi gasped then. It was completely involuntary, completely unexpected. A bolt of pain shot up his ankle and through the rest of his leg, downing him where he stood on the roof. He gritted his teeth in frustration. He hadn’t meant for Erwin to see it. But

Erwin was on him as soon as his mouth had opened, his arms outstretched, his eyes wide in concern. “You lied to me,” he whispered. “Come, let’s get you to the infirmary.”

“Fuck that!” Levi growled. “I’m fine.” 

“Will you at least let me look at it then? Please?”

Their struggle to Erwin’s office had Levi’s irritation piqued. Erwin would not allow Levi to put any weight on his ankle and had instead, forced him to put an arm around Erwin’s shoulder to walk. Erwin had told Levi that should he refuse the assistance, he would be slung over his commander’s shoulder and carried there. The threat pissed Levi off but he was in no position to refute it. So they hobbled into Erwin’s quarters, looking both foolish and pathetic. 

Once inside the shut and locked door of Erwin’s office, Levi seated himself on the edge of his desk as Erwin fumbled with his boot, pulling it slowly down his leg. Even the slightest touch sent shivers of pain up and down his spine but Levi did his best to hide it. The boot was on the floor in short time and Erwin slowly began unbuckling the straps of Levi’s gear. These were touches so slow and gentle, that given any other circumstances, Levi might have become aroused. But in this moment, after the deaths of four people Levi had come to love, he could feel nothing but the pain. The pain of their loss as well as the physical pain supplied by his wounded leg. 

“You’ll have to step out of these,” Erwin gestured to Levi’s trousers and upon seeing the irritation written on Levi’s face, added, “please.”

Levi stood, making purposeful eye contact with Erwin, to unzip his pants and slide them down his waist. He was unsurprised at what he saw. Dark red and purple bruises covered his thigh all the way down to his ankle, where they blossomed and spread to the top of his foot and all the way around. Erwin hissed upon seeing the wound. His hand reached out as if he wanted to touch but he stopped himself. “Levi…” he whispered. “I...I’m so sorry…”

“It’s nothing,” Levi grunted but Erwin’s narrowed eyes stole the words from his mouth.

“You’re not fooling anyone. Not here.”

Levi pressed his lips together in a thin, stubborn line, refusing to acknowledge Erwin’s words. His eyes darted away from Erwin’s as the Commander ran a light hand over his leg, examined his wound. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There were more important things,” Levi growled, a flush rising to his face as Erwin caressed the inside of his thigh. The touch was not sexual, not desirous but it still riled him, caused his stomach to burn and knot. 

“Levi...if this is about the loss of your squad…”

“The loss of my squad…?”

“If you think you deserve this…”

“Don’t I?” Levi spat and Erwin stilled. His eyes bore into Levi’s, hard and cold, refuting his words, refuting his self-flagellation. “They died just like Furlan and Isabel died. They died because I was too late to protect them…”

“That’s not true, Levi. They died as soldiers. They chose their own fates. They chose to die defending Eren and the Corps.”

“You’re really going to say those bullshit words to me? You? After all these years, you think I’m gonna believe the patriotic propaganda? Dammit, Erwin. It’s the same. All their deaths have been the same. They died because I wasn’t good enough to save them.”

“Levi...you’re not responsible for their deaths. If you need someone to blame, blame me.”

Levi paused. “Erwin...don’t be stupid. You know I would never…”

“Why not? Am I not responsible? Have I not always been responsible? For Isabel and Furlan? For Stella and Gris? For Yan? For every soldier we ever lost? And now for Gunther, Oruo, Eld...Petra...”

“Why are you saying this?”

“So you know who to blame. Levi...you’re not at fault. Can you forgive me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Erwin.”

Erwin’s eyes flashed dangerously and he turned away from Levi, who hastily pulled his trousers back up around his hips. “Levi...I’m afraid…”

“Afraid?”

“I’m changing, Levi. I’m becoming something I can no longer control. And I’m afraid that at the end of this, at the end of this war, I’ll have become a monster, responsible for the deaths of us all.”

“Erwin -”

“I’m afraid of becoming that monster, Levi. Afraid of losing my humanity, of becoming someone I no longer know...but all the deaths today...even the deaths of your squad...I felt...nothing...nothing but disappointment in our failure.” His voice was strained, his brow furrowed, his eyes filled with unfalling tears. “Do you hate me for it?”

Erwin was up against him before he could pull away, his hand wrapped around the back of Levi’s neck, pulling his eyes up to meet Erwin’s own. Levi met Erwin’s eyes with defiance. “I won’t allow you to become a monster, Erwin. And you’re even more of a fool than I thought if you can truly think I could ever hate you. That I could ever blame you.”

Erwin’s lips were on his then, enveloping him in a soft, tender kiss. Not unpassionate but different, adoring, reverential. As if Erwin was worshiping his lips, caressing them with his own. Levi’s eyes flitted closed as he was consumed by the fire in Erwin’s touch. “Levi, you keep me human.”

For one singular and fleeting moment, Levi felt Petra’s lips in place of Erwin’s and he gasped in spite of himself. “What is it?” Erwin asked against his neck, his lips grazing the soft flesh.

Levi blinked. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

Their lovemaking that night was slow and impassioned. Arms wound together, Levi straddled over top of Erwin’s waist while they both sat up and rocked back and forth sinuously. Levi allowed Erwin’s full girth to fill him, the tightness sending waves of pleasure through his body, replacing the pain. Every thrust of Erwin’s hips had Levi spiralling further and further away from reality. He felt tears come to his eyes as his orgasm crashed down on him. Fuck...since when had he been one to cry during sex? He felt almost embarrassed until he glanced down and saw trails of wetness running down Erwin’s own cheeks. Struck by something he couldn’t explain, Levi leaned in and kissed each tear away from Erwin’s face, before parting Erwin’s lips with his own for one last passionate kiss.

Erwin fell asleep next to him afterwards, his fingers wound between Levi’s. In the stillness of the darkened room, Levi lay awake, allowing silent tears to finally fall from his eyes. Erwin’s words resounded in his head. I’m afraid that at the end of this, at the end of this war, I’ll have become a monster, responsible for the deaths of us all. It was a feeling he couldn’t reconcile. Erwin at the end of all things. Erwin responsible for Petra’s death. Erwin, a monster, someone Levi didn’t recognize. He glanced over at that sleeping face he so loved. Erwin’s mouth twitched in his sleep, almost forming into a smile. 

Levi resolved to himself then. He wouldn’t allow Erwin to become that monster he so feared becoming. The thought filled him with some comfort. Purpose renewed, he shifted closer to Erwin, laid a kiss on his naked chest and closed his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know where this is headed. Unfortunately, Isayama is fresh out of happy endings for our dear Levi :(
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Happy 2019!
> 
> I am SO sorry it has been so long since I've posted a chapter. I've been feeling a lot of SNK angst lately so this one was a long time coming. 
> 
> With the revelations from Manga 112, Eruri is basically canon now, right?
> 
> I'll try to send out my next chapter MUCH sooner. Thanks for bearing with me :)
> 
> Update: Chapter song is Landmines by BELLSAINT

“Levi, stay put.”

Levi hadn’t liked it. The thought of inaction set him on edge. But like a good soldier, he obeyed his Commander. Like a good soldier, he sat idly by as Eren, in titan form, ravaged the entirety of Mitras in pursuit of the female titan. Levi did as his Commander had bid. He “stayed put.”

And they had captured her. Annie Leonhardt. The Titan hiding among them. The girl responsible for the deaths of so many of his comrades. Of his squad. Even without Levi’s assistance, the Corps has been able to take Annie alive. And though he had hated her for it, had wanted to see her pay for what she had done, Levi had obeyed Erwin’s orders.

But it was after that, after the reports that Wall Rose had been breached, that the Armored and Colossal Titans had been among the 104th cadets the entire time…and that they had kidnapped Eren Yeager….that Levi had found it nearly impossible to obey.

“Levi, you’ll stay here,” Erwin said with an expression set in stone. Levi’s fists balled at his side in annoyance. The wound to his ankle still had not healed. But he could still swing a blade. He could still maneuver. He could still take down titans. And he could still protect Erwin.

“You want me to sit here and do nothing? What, twiddling my thumbs?”

“Levi – !”

“Erwin, I can still fight.”

“Levi –!”

“No. This is bullshit. What if something happens – ?”

“Enough!” Erwin’s voice was not harsh, but it was strong and his tone indicated that he had decided. That there would be no more argument. “I don’t want to discuss it anymore. I am still the commander. And I said no.”

“You’re really going to play the ‘Commander’ card with me?” Levi sneered, his eyes narrowed in naked fury.

“It’s the only card I have left to play with you,” Erwin conceded. “And I won’t send a wounded soldier onto the field. Not even _humanity’s strongest.”_

Levi huffed and rolled his eyes, folding his arms over his chest. He pursed his lips, unable to meet Erwin’s eyes. Despite his best attempts to remain stoic, he still melted into Erwin’s touch when it came to rest upon his cheek. “Perhaps I’m selfish…but this is one risk I can’t take.”

“If you fucking die while I’m not there to protect you…” Levi growled, but Erwin merely laughed.

“Believe it or not, Captain, I am perfectly capable of protecting myself.”

“Bullshit, Erwin,” Levi snapped, but Erwin dismissed him with a gentle kiss.

That evening, Levi, with Pastor Nick at his side, watched Erwin charge away on horseback, leading troops of Survey Corps and Military Police into the fray. Levi hated this, hated being separated from Erwin, even for this small instant of time, knowing there was nothing he could do now to keep Erwin safe from harm.  It wasn’t right.

“The devil himself leads men to their doom…” Pastor Nick muttered quietly with eyes gazing steadfastly after the retreating troops.

Anger burned in Levi’s blood, like hot tar and he whirled on the shaking pastor with hands balled into fists. “What the fuck did you just say?” His grip on the pastor’s collar with steady and angry, violent and dangerous. “Say it again, I dare you.”

Nick squirmed under Levi’s grip. “This war you’re fighting. It will be in vain. Again and again, you go outside the walls. But it’s folly. One by one, your men will continue to die until there’s none of you left.”

Levi released Nick in frustration. There would be no talking to him. It was a useless endeavor. But still, those words rang in Levi’s mind. _The devil himself leads men to their doom._

That night, Levi did not sleep. Nor did he sleep the night after. He doubted sleep would come until Erwin returned.

Hange came to find him in the quiet hours of morning, her eyes large behind her glasses, filled with a wetness that could have only been tears. All at once, he felt nauseous, terrified, incredibly cold, extremely hot. He knew. He knew before the words came out of her mouth. Erwin.

“Levi...it’s Erwin…” Hange’s voice reverberated through his head, chilling his heart, stopping his breath in his throat. “He’s...he’s in bad shape.”

The expedition for Eren had returned. Their losses had been high and they had suffered extreme casualties. But they had succeeded in bringing the brat back. What’s more...it seemed that Eren had been able to harness the power of the titans, to redirect the mindless titans to attack the armored and colossal titans...But Erwin...Erwin had been badly wounded.

Hange wouldn’t tell him the extent of the damage, wouldn’t meet his eyes as they walked side-by-side, with shaking limbs, to the hospital wing in which Erwin was being held. Levi’s mind was like a ticking time bomb, revving and burning closer and closer to the end of the wick. He was silent, lips pursed tightly together, but only to keep himself from screaming. Erwin...Erwin...Erwin...how had this happened? Why hadn’t he been there to prevent it?

The buzzing of the doctors around Erwin’s door caused Levi’s heart to race at an unnatural pace. There were so many of them, and all with concerned and desperate looks on their faces. The Commander’s door had been firmly shut. But Levi refused to be stopped.

“Captain Levi, Sir! You can’t go in there. The Commander is not well!” A tall, slim, bespectacled doctor attempted to refuse him entrance as Levi’s hand turned the knob without permission.

“Are you going to stop me?” he growled menacingly but the doctor’s face was stern and unyielding.

“He’s in a fragile state. His wound is fresh and he’s lost a good deal of blood. He’s quite susceptible to infection right now. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait out here until the risk of infection goes down.” Anger surged through Levi but though he was capable of it, Levi doubted that breaking this man in half would prove beneficial in the end.

So he waited. Did his best to be patient. In the waiting room of the hospital, he leaned against the wall, his head down, his dark hair obscuring his eyes. And he listened.

“...his right arm...from the elbow down. It wasn’t a clean tear either... skin, ligaments, bone...he was a mess...”

“Has he awoken yet?”

“Not yet. He’s struggling. The wound has become infected.”

“Is there a chance we could lose – ?”

“Not here.” The doctor caught Levi’s eye, and moved away, his hand slung over his comrade’s shoulder. “Come, we can discuss this later. Don’t need roving eyes and ears…”

Left alone again, Levi felt sick. His arm. Erwin’s arm. His right arm. His dominant arm. Levi put his head in his hands, allowing his fingers to dig into his scalp. This was a nightmare. He willed himself to wake up.

Several days passed but Erwin’s state remained the same. In the quiet solitude of his contemplations, Levi’s mind wandered, exploring every horrible possibility, considering the worst outcomes. He refused to leave, refused to eat. He slept for only an hour or two at a time, cramped in one of the hospital’s uncomfortable waiting room chairs. Levi knew the futility of trying to sleep. There was no point. Not while Erwin was here, lingering between life and death. Not when he could wake up at any moment...or die all the same.

“Levi?” It was Hange again. She had left for only a short while, to get Pastor Nick established in the Military Police barracks. For some odd reason, Hange seemed to have developed a soft spot for that demented old nutcase. Perhaps it was his steadfast devotion, or his frail state, or his revelation about the Reiss girl. Either way, it annoyed Levi. Why should she care so much about that sordid old man when Erwin was...Erwin was…

“Levi.” She said his name again and he wordlessly glanced up at her.

“What is it, Four-Eyes?” He snapped, but the look on her face softened his harshness. She looked...awful. Broken in a way he hadn’t expected. Without Moblit by her side, she seemed small, timid, so unlike her usual jubilant self. “Hange…?”

“The Garrison found Mike.”

He stiffened. They’d found Nanaba and Gelgar’s bodies outside Utgard Castle...or what was left of them. They had fought to the death to save the recruits...on the slimmest of odds. They had gone down fighting. Levi had immediately thought of Mike, upon hearing of it. What would he think? Would the news crush him? Nanaba...who he had so loved. Levi remembered Mike’s words...the same words that had broken something inside him, that had convinced him, _compelled_ him, to fall back into Erwin.

_We live. We fight. We give everything to this life and hold nothing back. That’s what I intend to do.I hope you’ll do the same, Levi. Nothing else matters. This life’s so short. So, don’t waste it._

But there hadn’t been a trace of Mike since the titans had shown up inside Wall Rose. Since he had valiantly charged headlong into battle, in an effort to distract the titans and allow the recruits time to escape. He hadn’t returned. No one had seen him fall.

“Is he…?”

Hange nodded. “There was hardly anything left. His horse...The scouts said it looked like his horse had been picked up by a giant fist. But, titans don’t attack non-human animals. We know that…”

“Then it wasn’t a normal titan,” Levi conferred. “Whatever killed Mike wasn’t a normal, mindless titan.”

Hange nodded. “That beast…”

“What beast?”

She squirmed uncomfortably where she stood. “The recruits said they saw a giant ape-like titan, all covered in fur. Sitting on the wall, just watching them. It was dark...I didn’t think much of it then. Conny thinks it has something to do with what happened to the citizens of his village.”

Levi raised an eyebrow. The citizens of Ragako. He and Erwin hadn’t had much time to discuss it. They hadn’t had much time to discuss anything. Would they ever get that time again? His heart clenched hard in his chest. “And...what do you think?”

“I’m...not sure. Moblit went on my behalf. He should be back anytime now. We’ll confer with Conny. But the kid’s so sure...so sure…” She was stumbling, rambling, seemingly lost for words.

“Captain Levi?” The doctor’s voice rang out across the room and Levi’s heart began to race. The slim old man was standing outside the door to Erwin’s room, the look on his face one of minor annoyance. “The Commander is awake. He’s...asking for you.”

Levi met Hange’s eyes and she nodded. “Go. I’ll guard the door.” Placing a hand on his shoulder, she ushered him forward with a quick wink. With a racing heart, Levi moved toward the door.

“He’s still a bit groggy from the sedatives,” the doctor warned as Levi approached. “You’ll find he’s not quite himself. But he was adamant. He wanted to see you. And only you.”

His heart was pounding, his hands were shaking, as he crossed the threshold and stepped into the room. That room that smelled sterile and aseptic and clean. Like alcohol and bleach.  Though these scents were not unwelcome nor unpleasant, they didn’t remind Levi of Erwin. Levi had half expected to smell his cologne, or the thick spice of his aftershave, to be enveloped in scents that were particularly Erwin. But this...this was wrong.

Levi almost didn’t want to look. Didn’t want to see the damage that had been done. He was afraid that the man sitting in that bed wouldn’t be Erwin...that it would be a man Levi didn’t recognize. A shell, a fraction of the man Levi loved.

“Levi…” his voice. Goddamn. His voice. Levi hadn’t realized how desperate he had been to hear Erwin’s voice. He turned then, to absorb the blow...and found that, despite his worst fears,  it was still Erwin. Still beautiful, perfect, Erwin, sitting there as if nothing had happened. But something had indeed happened. Something irreparable.

Erwin was sitting propped up on the bed, watching Levi with glittering blue eyes. His face, though handsome as ever, was thinner, gaunter, with the beginnings of a beard coloring his cheeks. Though he was doing his best to hide it, here was a twinge of pain hidden that stoic mask...Levi could see it even if the rest of the world could not. And, just as the doctors had said, his right arm, from the elbow down, was gone. It was bound in thick white gauze and bandages, but Levi could still see. It was gone.

He forced himself to stifle a sharp intake of breath, to remain neutral and stoic. But inside, he was screaming. His right hand. How many times had that hand caressed his skin? How many times had that hand held him, trailed down his body? How many times had he kissed the palm of that hand, touching the scar his blade had left there so many years ago? Gone. All of those memories, all of those touches...they were gone. Rotting in the belly of some mindless titan...or worse, vomited up like a pile of refuge.

“Erwin...what the hell…?” His legs moved instinctively towards his Commander, even without him willing them to do so.

“We got Eren back,” Erwin’s voice was hoarse, but there was a soft smile on his features. Levi could see the effects of the medicines still clouding him, weighing him down, slowing his movements. “Levi, we did it.”

“At what cost?” Levi choked slightly, struggling to remain level headed.

“Levi…” Erwin whispered and then frowned. Levi had seen it. He had seen the stump of Erwin’s right arm move towards him, as if to grasp a hold of him...as it had so many times in the past. But there was nothing there to grasp, nothing there to cling. Pain flashed in Erwin’s face, something more than physical. “I’m sorry...I seem to have...forgotten…”

Levi’s eyes narrowed into thin slits of sharp steel hidden behind the veil of his black hair. “You forgot? What, Erwin? You forgot that your arm was bitten off by a titan?” His voice was venomous despite himself. He felt angry without really knowing why.

Erwin smirked in spite of Levi’s ferocity. “I forgot that I have one less arm to use to hold you.” His eyes were glazed...whether from the medicine or from the sheen of tears, Levi couldn’t be sure. But he was in no mood to be held, that was certain.

In derision, he pulled away, only to see Erwin’s face fall, if ever so slightly. “Am I so disgusting to you now?” he asked and Levi’s face burned in frustration. “So disgusting that you can’t even stand to be touched by me?”

“You know that’s not true,” Levi snarled. “I won’t allow you to sit here and feel sorry for yourself. I won’t be a part of it. This was your choice, Erwin. If I had only been there, I could have...I would have…”

“What, Levi? What would you have done?” Erwin was assessing him with imploringly desperate eyes. “You who can barely limp, much less walk, much less ride a horse? You’re right. It was my choice. And given another, I would still make the same. I would rather lose my arm than lose _you_.”

Levi sighed and crossed his arms tight over his chest. He couldn’t look at Erwin. Couldn’t look into those eyes that saw so much, yet understood so little. “ _I_ almost lost _you_. Does that not matter to you?”

“Levi. I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Levi whirled back to face him, anger etched into his smooth features. “Are you? The doctors were talking about blood loss and infection...You were unconscious for days, Erwin. By the time you got back here, you had nearly fallen off your horse and once you arrived, you collapsed. Do you remember that?”

Erwin’s face was set in stone. He didn’t respond, so Levi continued.

“You think you’re so damn selfless. You think that humanity could just go on without you. That you can be replaced. You’re so fucking selfish. This is not a war we can win without you, Erwin. And I’ll be damned if you think I’m going to let you pull this shit again.”

“Levi…” Erwin’s voice was stern, commanding. As though was speaking to a subordinate rather than his lover and Levi bristled at that tone. He _hated_ that tone. “Enough. I’m one man. I _can_ be replaced. I _will_ be replaced when necessity calls for it. Eren Yeager was and is the only hope for this world. You know that.”

“I don’t,” Levi spat. “Eren Yeager is a spoiled little brat who happens to have the power of the titans at his disposal. I don’t doubt his intentions. But he’s not you, Erwin. And humanity needs you just as much as it needs him.”

Erwin looked away, shaking his head. Levi could tell he was frustrated, perhaps even more so now with effects of the painkillers still slowing his response time. “I’m not humanity’s hope, Levi.”

“No. But you are humanity’s heart. It’s soul. And...you’re mine.”

Erwin’s wide eyes met Levi’s once more as the Commander let out a deep sigh. “Oh, Levi…Now who’s being selfish?”

“Don’t,” Levi snapped, rolling his eyes. “Don’t placate me. I’m not telling you to stop fighting. One day, this fight will consume us all. One day, you will die. And so will I. I’m aware of that. I’ve accepted it. But, fuck Erwin. Be smart. You’re allowing your vision to cloud your judgement. And forcing me to stay here wasn’t smart. Don’t die for something unworthy of your death.”

To his surprise, Levi saw Erwin’s mask of passivity crack into a smile. A smile and then a laugh that lit his entire face. Erwin shook his head, that boyish grin Levi so loved illuminating his features. “So that’s what this is, then. You really think that if you had been there, this might not have happened?”

Levi flushed, avoiding Erwin’s eyes.

Erwin persisted. “Levi...I’m fine. I’m alive. Can that be enough? For now, can that be enough?”

Levi huffed out a long, exasperated breath before again meeting those soft blue eyes. “Erwin…”

“Will you come here?” Erwin extended his left arm. “Please?”

Levi moved toward his Commander, taking his time. When he was at the head of his bed, he bent down so his face was close to Erwin’s. Slowly, deliberately, he stroked the side of Erwin’s face, his fingers brushing that unfamiliar layer of stubble that covered his cheeks. He felt Erwin’s eyelashes flutter closed as he delicately pressed his lips on Erwin’s.

He was met with a heavy sigh of contentment, with the parting of his own lips by Erwin’s tongue. Steadily, the intensity of that kiss grew, pulling them both in with it. Levi gasped into Erwin’s mouth, feeling the strength of his Commander’s left hand trailing through his hair.

Levi pulled closer and as he did so, his left arm brushed against the stump of Erwin’s right, procuring a hiss of pain. “Dammit...this is going to take some getting used to, I suppose,” Erwin lamented.

 _Stupid,_ Levi cursed himself. Erwin wasn’t up to this, wasn’t up to the full force of the passion they shared. He was _wounded._ Severely. He began to pull away but Erwin stopped him, grasping him tightly in his left hand. “Erwin. Enough. You need your rest. I’m done.”

“I’m not,” Erwin purred, pulling Levi back into him. “Come here.”

That was all the encouragement Levi needed. He mounted the bed to straddle Erwin’s hips, grinding his groin into the member already growing hard beneath the blankets. Erwin groaned in response, his lips desperately seeking Levi’s own. They crashed into each other, Erwin forcefully pulling the cravat from around Levi’s neck, brushing the black jacket from his shoulders. But when it came to unbuttoning the shirt underneath, Erwin began to struggle. Levi watched those thick blond brows furrow in obvious frustration. The buttons were coming apart...slowly and piece by piece. But not keeping time with the desperation evident in Erwin’s solid cock, with the heat burning behind his eyes.

“Here,” Levi brought Erwin’s left hand up to his lips and kissed his knuckles gently, tenderly. “Let me do it.”

As he began unbuttoning, he gasped to feel Erwin’s hand sliding down the zipper of his pants, slipping inside and grasping his cock in a firm and unyielding grip. “Fuck, Erwin,” he moaned, finally freed from the confines of his lightweight cotton shirt.

He allowed himself to dissolve into another moan of pleasure as Erwin continued in the repetition of his strokes, Levi’s cock hard and weeping in his hand.

“I want you. Right now. Fuck, Levi. It’s been too long,” Erwin’s voice was a hoarse whisper. Desperation mingled with desire mingled with suffering. It _had_ been too long, Levi knew. But it wasn’t like anything could have prevented that. Extenuating circumstances had required them to play it safe - and keep busy. Had the last time been _that night_? After his squad had fallen to the female titan? Was that the last night he had had Erwin whole and completely to himself? Levi’s heart panged at the thought of it.

Levi worked his way under the sterile hospital blankets, to Erwin’s solid member now writhing at the fabric of his pants. He forced down the thin cotton fabric of Erwin’s trousers, assisted by Erwin’s desperately lifting hips, to reveal his cock and all at once, Levi thirsted desperately for a taste of it. He moaned just looking at it and could tell by Erwin’s gyrating hips, that the Commander would be more than pleased to feel his lips, his tongue, the warm wetness of his mouth.

Erwin almost cried out when Levi did just that, taking him wholly and fully into his mouth. Levi watched Erwin’s head fall back, his deep glittering eyes rolling into his eyelids. Still, Erwin’s left hand fumbled for Levi, twining itself into his thick hair, grasping and groping and pulling. The tightness of his grip hurt ever so slightly, but Levi relished the pain. He was alive and Erwin was alive. For now, they were together, for however long that might be.  “Levi, oh god...Levi.” Erwin was humming Levi’s name, over and over again, like it was a mantra, a hymn, a prayer.

With Levi’s hair still wound tightly in the fingers of his left hand, Erwin lifted Levi’s face up to his, enveloping his lips in a passionately desperate kiss. Levi moaned into it as he writhed on top of Erwin’s lap, pressing their members together. Spiting on his right hand, Levi wrapped his own fingers around both of their cocks at once. With a fast and steady rhythm, he began to pump, sending them both into a blur of pleasure. It wasn’t what he wanted. So badly, he wanted to feel Erwin inside him, wanted to feel the wet warmth of his Commander spilling into him. But given the circumstances, it was more than enough.

Erwin gasped underneath him. His mouth had found Levi’s clavicle, that soft and tender spot just at the crook of his neck. Sucking and licking, even biting the spot with a steady sensation, Erwin was driving Levi mad with pleasure. It would leave a mark. They both knew it. _Good._ Levi would wear the mark with pride. Slowly, deliberately, Erwin worked his way down Levi’s chest, to suck greedily on one of his nipples. _Fuck…_ he’d almost had it. Levi could feel the mounting wave of pleasure begin to wash over him.

“Fuck, Erwin. I’m…I’m…”

At that moment, Erwin cried out, throwing his head back against his hospital pillow. As Levi spilled into his own fingers, Erwin came as well, their sperm mixing together amidst the slowing thrusts of Levi’s hand.

Erwin pressed a long kiss to Levi’s lips, letting out a contented sigh that settled into them both, grounding them in each other. But after that moment died, Levi clicked his tongue in revulsion. “Disgusting…” he murmured, glancing down at the mess they had made.

Erwin laughed lightly, pulling several tissues from the stand by his bed. “Oh, is it that bad?” he cooed as he gently wiped at Levi’s hands.

After they were both clean, Levi settled down onto Erwin’s chest, contented just to listen to the thrumming of his heart, just to be enveloped in the warmth of his arms.

A few quiet moments passed. Then Erwin found his voice. “Maybe this is penitence. For all the men and women I’ve sent to their deaths. Maybe they took a small part of me to Hell with them. And soon, they’ll be back for the rest.” Erwin smirked but Levi gritted his teeth.

“It’s not funny, Erwin.”

“I didn’t mean it as a joke. I was being serious. I’m a heartless monster, Levi. We’ve lost so much, so many good friends. And it’s only going to get worse.”

Levi stirred from where he was wrapped around Erwin. “What do you mean?”

“The government is demanding that we hand over Eren and Historia Reiss. We’ve known they want Eren. But why Historia? Why the illegitimate daughter of some low-ranking noble lord?”

Levi didn’t speak, his silver eyes locked onto Erwin’s in disquieted interest.

“I’d wager it’s because Historia Reiss is more significant than she appears. It’s a gamble. But we can’t let Eren or Historia fall into the hands of the government.”

“Another fucking gamble, Erwin. Don’t you ever get tired of lacking surety?”

Erwin chuckled. “Never. What fun would there be in having a guarantee? Where’s the challenge in that?”

Levi rolled his eyes, lifted himself from Erwin’s bare chest. As he did, Erwin sighed, seeming to miss the warmth of his body. “Levi...they’ll come for me. You know that, don’t you?” Levi froze, his breath hitching painfully in his chest as he realized the truth of his Commander’s words. “I’m a sitting duck where I am right now. And my insubordination will cause them to take matter into their own hands. But I need you to stay strong. And I need you to protect them. At all costs. Even when they come for me.”

Levi turned to glare at Erwin, only to see a soft and imploring expression on his handsome, boyish features. “Levi, please. Promise me. Promise me you’ll protect them. And that you’ll trust me to handle this.”

“Erwin – !”

“I have a plan.”

“Another gamble, you’ve said.”

“Yes. Another gamble. But if what I believe is true...the government is a fraud and a lie. And it needs to be overthrown.”

Levi’s eyes widened. “What the fuck, Erwin? You’re talking about open rebellion...toppling the entire government?”

“Do they not deserve to be checked and balanced? Think about it, Levi! How many times has the Corps been refused funding for its missions because of the greedy few in power? How many times have the people of Wall Rose been over taxed and under fed? Under whose thumbs have the people of the underground toiled? And at whose hand was the civilian expedition sent out with no hope of return? And now they want Eren. They want to take humanity’s hope. Something needs to change.”

Levi knew the truth of it - had known it for a long time. But this...this was suicide. Everyone knew that Erwin Smith was a madman...and these words would surely confirm it.

“Levi, do you trust me?” His eyes, so blue, so pure, so desperately entreating. They begged Levi to trust, pulling a string tied directly to his heart.

“Of course,” he whispered hesitantly.

“Then trust me. Get the cadets away from here. Keep them safe. And when the time is right, I’ll send word. Wait for me.”

Levi nodded. “Always, Erwin.”

 

The next few hours of solitude were bought with the promise of their future reprieve. Though Levi was determined to stay by Erwin’s for as long as possible, he knew that that time would eventually come to an end. Eventually, the arrival of Commander Pixis brought some light and fire to Erwin’s eyes. Levi watched as Erwin’s plan began to fall into place, one piece at a time.

“So...the titans responsible for this incident were the citizens of Ragako?” There was a tremble in Pixis’s voice, a hint of terror.

“In other words,” Erwin said, his eyes glittering like a madman. “The true identity of the titans...is _humans_?”

Levi’s heart froze. He felt nauseous where he sat by Erwin’s right side. No, no, no. It couldn’t be true. It _couldn’t_ be. That would mean...

“We don’t have proof yet.” Hange spoke quietly, less sure of herself than she usually seemed. But Levi _knew_. He knew. It made some sickeningly evil amount of sense...solidifying itself in his mind.

When he found his voice, he couldn’t meet Hange’s eyes. “So you’re telling me I’ve spent all this time and energy running around killing people. Is that right?”

The kid next to Hange, Conny Springer, looked abjectly and indescribably miserable. It had been _his_ home, _his_ family, that had supposedly been transformed into titans by some unknown titan ‘magic.’ Conny was clutching a portrait of his parents in his hands, Levi could see, and at that moment, Levi felt a wave of pity wash over him. They were _kids_. They were all still kids, all these soldiers that Erwin planned on using to bring down the government.

Levi watched from the window as Conny departed, heading back to the others, still clutching that portrait to his chest as if it was an object of value, something precious that needed to be protected. The whole thing made Levi feel horrified. He could never have imagined that this would be how it would turn out...that he had spent the better part of his life...slaying human beings.

“Erwin – !” His words caught in his throat as he back towards Erwin...and saw an open-mouthed smile playing at the Commander’s lips. A smile that reflected a child’s awe at being given a new toy...it was a smile Levi had never before seen grace Erwin’s handsome features. And given the circumstances, that smile chilled Levi to the bone. “Tell me. What the _hell_ are you smiling for?” he gasped, breaking Erwin from his trance.

The smile vanished as Erwin’s eyes came to meet Levi’s. “Nothing...It’s just that...With this we’ve taken one step closer to the truth.”

Levi couldn’t shake that feeling...that powerfully overwhelming feeling of terror that had overcome him when seeing that private smile etched into Erwin’s face, that smile that hadn’t been meant for his eyes. At that moment, a horrible thought took root in his mind...did he know this man, truly know this man to whom he had devoted his life?

Erwin seemed to notice his discontent, holding a hand out to him. “Levi…”

“You’re fucking creepy, old man. You know that?”

A smirk pulled at the corners of Erwin’s lips. “Levi, I’ve lost my arm. Have you no pity for me?” His voice was lilting and playful. It eased some of Levi’s fears, pushing them out of his mind. But as he moved closer, slipping a hand under Erwin’s chin and pressing his lips to his Commander’s, Levi still felt _odd_. It was an emotion he could not name, so instead, he chose to push it down, down below the surface.

He couldn’t have known that only hours after he left to rejoin the brats, the MPs would come for Erwin.  

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any grammatical errors etc, please let me know. I was real anxious to get this one out so I didn't proofread it as hard as some of the other chapters. 
> 
> Like I said, a LOT of Eruri angst. SO MUCH ANGST. I miss Erwin guys, like...a lot. 
> 
> Next chapter is going to explore Erwin's capture and torture. Eek - I'm excited :) Does that make me a monster? lol
> 
> Much love! Comments are appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told ya'll I'm angsty haha
> 
> This chapter is the summation of that angst. I apologize ahead of time. I archived some new warnings for this chapter. We're gonna be dealing with some pretty graphic stuff here, including some non-con elements. Just a forewarning.
> 
> Angsts chapter, sassy song: Stomp Me Out by Bryce Fox.

The gamble had paid off.

Erwin had been correct. The Reiss family was the  _ true  _ royal bloodline. King Fritz, who sat upon the throne with dead eyes and a vacant expression, was a fake, a mere figurehead and stand-in for the noble lords who were actually pulling the strings. That was why they had wanted Historia. She was the last child in the noble Reiss bloodline. And even passing the line to an illegitimate daughter was better than allowing the family to dwindle into extinction.  

According to Hange’s suspicions, Reiss wanted Historia to...eat Eren. To...inherit his titan powers. It didn’t quite make sense to Erwin yet. But he was determined to turn it over in his head, to  _ make  _ it make sense. He needed it to make sense. To solve the puzzle and learn the truth. He was close. So close. Closer than he had ever been before.

Would his father be proud? Was Erwin doing service to his memory? Even in the midst of a government upheaval, rebellion and turmoil, Erwin was focused. Focused on his father’s dream. On learning the truth. He could feel the pressure of that passion consuming him, burning inside him like a wildfire.

The MP’s had come for him shortly after Levi’s departure to rejoin the recruits...well, they weren’t really recruits anymore, were they? No. They were now the new Squad Levi. It was a heavy burden Erwin was placing on the shoulders of these  _ children _ ...these children who had seen such horrors. But they could handle it. With Levi at their helm, they would be able to navigate those dangerous waters and come out the other side, unscathed. Or so Erwin hoped. The alternative was that Erwin would again be responsible for young lives cut too short. And like the monster he was, Erwin would continue on, lifted up by their sacrifice, using their scattered bones as a step-stool to the truth.

For the first week in Military Police custody, Erwin had been allowed a room in headquarters, under constant surveillance. But he was still allowed a bed and visitors. He was a  _ captive _ , but not a  _ prisoner _ . At least, not at first. His refusal to offer up Eren and Historia was considered a serious crime. One serious enough to render the Scouts wanted criminals and call for a ban on all Survey Corps activity outside the walls.

Commander Pixis had come to visit him in confinement. The lines on his haggard old face showed his concern for Erwin’s safety, as well as his suspicion towards him. Erwin Smith no longer had many friends in the capital. And even those he  _ did _ have, often looked at him with similar expressions to Pixis’s painted on their faces. As though they thought him unworthy of their trust. So be it. Erwin didn’t need their trust. He had the trust of those who mattered. Hange. Eren. Levi. And he had a plan.

_ Another gamble?  _ He could almost hear the incredulity in Levi’s tone, could almost see the hike of his thin black eyebrows. Levi would be used to it, should be used to it by now. And still, he trusted Erwin with his life. With the life of his friends and comrades. Erwin asked himself often, why he should have gotten so lucky as to earn the trust of that beautiful, powerful, resilient man. He knew it was best not to question it. He would never be worthy of it, not really. So, best to remove those thoughts from his head or risk driving himself crazy toiling over it.

He wrote Levi as often as he could, given the circumstances of his captivity. His letters detailed their current circumstances, warned him of the government’s plans, and filled him in on the development of Erwin’s “fool-proof” gamble. He kissed every letter, brushing his lips over the places he was sure Levi’s fingers would touch. He hoped that in some way, Levi could feel the graze of his lips through the thin parchment, even though he knew how wantonly foolish that desire was. But still, he signed every letter,  _ Yours, ES. _

Despite his yearning for Levi in that time, despite his desperation for Levi’s safety, Erwin forced himself to remain stoic and strong.  _ Levi _ was strong. He was capable. And he was determined to fight for humanity. Determined to follow Erwin. How could Erwin call himself worthy of that devotion if he spent his waking moments worrying? So, he hardened himself, pulling the Commander mask down over his features.  _ Trust Levi. Trust Hange. Trust Eren. Trust yourself.  _

Trust had always been difficult for Erwin. But for some reason, Levi had earned it almost immediately. It was almost as if, since that night in his office, after their first expedition together, an invisible line had tethered them together. Erwin knew that even in spite of all the obstacles that strove to separate them, Levi would always be his, like a brand that had been burned into his soul.

Levi’s fears so many years ago...of being Erwin’s weakness...seemed a distant memory now, something fleeting, something absurd and nonsensical. Erwin realized that Levi had never been his weakness. Levi was his  _ strength _ . Levi urged him on, supported him, made him stronger when he was afraid he might break. Levi carried out orders without question and succeeded where others could not. And against all odds, Levi loved fiercely, so fiercely. His loyalty and devotion gave Erwin strength he had never known he had and faith he hadn’t thought possible. Levi gave him a reason to live and purpose enough to die. Levi felled the fears of Erwin’s reckless heart in the same way he would fell any titan in his path. Erwin was a man complete with Levi by his side. Because Levi existed, Erwin could die happy.

When the MP’s demanded his surrender after the death of Dimo Reeves, Erwin was sure he might be walking directly into his own demise. And though he was not ready, not without knowing the truth, he wasn’t afraid. Leaving a world with Levi in it would mean that there was still some hope, still someone left to find the truth. And though he didn’t want to leave Levi, Erwin knew that he could at least die contented to know that Levi had changed him, saved him, broken him apart and reformed him. And that he had done the same for the Survey Corps.

“Erwin Smith, you traitorous bastard!”

“You heartless monster!”

“You disgrace your title! You’ll hang for your crimes!”

“You glory-hungry madman! You’ll die with your rabid dog at your side!”

“Once an underground thug, always an underground thug! The lot of you deserve no better!”

“To the noose! To the noose with you!”

The chants of the people of Mitras set him on edge as he marched through the throng, his right sleeve pinned to his shoulder. He might have felt vulnerable, embarrassed, ashamed or even indignant, had it not been for the knowledge that somewhere out there, undercover and out of sight, Levi was still existing, still fighting. No words could hurt Levi, no man was strong enough to bring him down. As long as Levi was able to fight, there was still hope in this world.

Besides, Erwin still had a plan. And he had no intention of allowing that plan to fail.

Nile’s eyes met Erwin’s as two young MP’s forcefully escorted him to the cells beneath the Military Police headquarters. There was trepidation reflected in those widened brown orbs. Was the Commander of the Military Police afraid for his old friend? Or was he merely experiencing some anxiety at the thoughts of what Erwin had planned? Erwin could only offer a small smile as they passed one another. Whatever was coming next would be less than pleasant. But he would stay strong, would not give in. His cause was much too important, much too righteous.

The MP’s that escorted him down those thin and winding stone steps to the dungeon were silent but vehement. Erwin could tell their disdain for him by the way their cold eyes assessed him, and the way their harsh hands pushed and tugged with bruising intensity. The air that enveloped Erwin as they descended was chilled and rank, heavy with a dampness that seemed to seep into the fabric of his clothes. In a way, it reminded him of the underground.

Inside the cell that was to be his home for the foreseeable future, Erwin was forced to his knees as his left wrist was shackled and chained above his head. The two MPs sniggered to themselves, noting that a shackle was not needed for the stub of his right arm.

“You even a man anymore, Smith? Or did the big, bad titan bite  _ that _ off as well?”

“Pretty pathetic looking aren’t you, Commander?”

Erwin remained silent, his eyes averted towards the ground. Best not to stoke the fire of resentment that seemed to have begun burning all around him.

A thick and heavy hand struck his cheek unexpectedly and the noise it procured echoed all through the cell. Pain began to blossom across Erwin’s jawline as his eyes raised to meet the soldiers standing before him.

“You think you’re so much better than us, do you  _ Commander _ ?” They said the word ‘Commander’ as though it was a mockery, a jibe.

“Commander Handsome, right? Bet all those noble ladies don’t think you’re so desirable now, do they?”

“But you’re not interested in those noble ladies anyway, are you,  _ Commander _ ? You’ve got someone else warming your bed, don’t you,  _ Commander? _ ”

Erwin gritted his teeth in frustration.  _ Ignore them. Ignore them. They’re nothing. _

“You know what they say about you,  _ Commander?  _ What they say about you and that little Captain of yours? Filthy, really.”

“Disgraceful behavior. And in a seat of power, no less.”

“What if we get Captain Levi in here, hmm? What if we string him up naked and lash him in front of you? Would that be enough to get your dick hard? Is that how you like it,  _ Commander _ ?”

Erwin snorted, shaking his head in mock humor. “You’d be lucky to get near enough to him for him to slit your throat.”

“The fuck you just say?” the taller MP snarled, grabbing a fistful of Erwin’s golden hair between his fingers. The pain shot through Erwin’s scalp though he fought back the urge to respond. “That scrawny piece of shit would be lucky to lick the dirt off our boots. He’s not worthy of the title the common people gave him. He’s nothing more than a filthy underground sewer rat.”

“And yet, that filthy underground sewer rat would kill you before you even had time to draw your blades in your own defense.”

The fist slammed into Erwin’s face then, hard and heavy, cracking his nose and splashing hot blood down his front. He gasped and choked despite himself as the two MP’s dissolved into a chorus of guttural laughter.

“Enjoy your stay, Commander Smith. It’ll undoubtedly be a short one. Just want to give the higher ups enough time to construct the gallows for your execution.”

Then they left him. He was alone. Alone with his thoughts and the blood that slowly crept down his face. And the fear. The fear of a world without Levi. What if they caught him? What if they...hurt him?  _ No. Stop thinking that way. Block that out. Stay strong.  _ Levi would berate him for his worry, dismiss him as a fool for allowing it. It would be a disservice to Levi’s skills to worry for his life.

The next two days passed agonizingly slowly. Erwin was left alone to the solitude of his own thoughts. He was not given reprieve to relieve himself or to stretch. His body was stiff and caked in a layer of his own filth. And his captors hadn’t brought him anything to eat or drink. His mouth was dry, his lips chapped and split. He was thirsty, so thirsty. He remembered asking his father, as a child, how long it took for a person to die of dehydration. And his father had indulged his morbid curiosity.  _ Ten days or so _ . Erwin wasn’t sure he could take ten days of this misery. And without word from Levi, from Hange, from Pixis or Nile, he was as good as dead to the world. Their mission could have failed above him and he would have been able to do nothing about it.

_ No. No. If they had failed, the MP’s and Aurille and the other nobles would be down here to gloat about it, to rub it in my face. They’re fine. They’re alive. Levi is alive. They’re still moving forward with the plan to rescue Eren and Historia. And if I know Levi, they’re close. So close. _

“Good morning, Erwin.” In the darkness, Erwin hadn’t seen the fat noble approach with his tall, bearded lackey at his side.  _ Lord Aurille and Lord Gerald.  _ They stood just outside his cell, watching him with murderous and calculating eyes. “How are you enjoying your stay?”

It was Aurille who spoke.  _ Of course.  _ Aurille who always seemed to have something to say.

Erwin shifted his weight, attempting to get a better look at the two noblemen outside his cell. “I’ll admit, I’m a bit uncomfortable,” he managed to say, noting the quivering fat of Aurille’s neck as he tensed in anger.

“It’s no more than you deserve, you filthy, undermining traitor.”

“Erwin,” Lord Gerald cut in, his eyes deep and imploring. “Are you ready to talk?”

“Talk?” Erwin asked.

“What is the Survey Corps’ plan? Where are Levi and the others?” Gerald’s voice was firm and unwavering. Erwin would see he was attempting to feign indifference.

In defiance, he pursed his lips shut. Silence fell over them.

“Erwin…” Gerald growled lowly.

“See? See I told you he wouldn’t cooperate with words alone. We have to use force. Pain. Use that...Ackerman. He’s good at pain, isn’t he? Where is that scraggly old bastard?”

“Captain Ackerman has been dispatched to deal with the remaining members of the Survey Corps, Lord Aurille.”

“And who has he left in his stead? Do I have to do everything myself? Give me the damn key!” Aurille’s eyes were on fire, burning with hatred as he extended his hand out to Gerald. “The key, Gerald.”

 

Erwin watched with narrowed blue eyes as Lord Gerald hesitated before fumbling into the breast pocket of his long green military coat. He withdrew a singular key and handed it gingerly to Aurille, who snatched it up with hastily greedy hands. The screeching sound of the key within the lock grated against Erwin’s ears.

And then Aurille was in the cell with him. A kick to his stomach caused him to gasp and tug at his shackles that held him bound to the solid brick of the wall behind him. Another and another over and over again until Erwin was heaving, his breath having been stolen from his lungs. Aurille was not a big man, but still, the weight of the blows he dealt had force and hatred as they rained down upon him.

“Just what do you think you’re doing, Erwin? Hmm?” Aurille bellowed, his hands grasping either side of Erwin’s face to bring his eyes level with Aurille’s own. “Answer me! What is your plan? You trying to undermine the government? Where is Levi? And the rest of the Scouts? Tell me!”

He forced Erwin’s head back against the bricks with a forceful thrust. Erwin could feel his skull connect, could feel the hot wetness of blood weaving itself in and out of the dirty strands of his hair. Still, he remained silent, peering into Aurille’s desperately angry face.

“Gerald, get me the cane.” Aurille’s voice was trembling, lust-filled and hot as it poured from his lips. Lord Gerald balked at the request. Erwin could see those brown eyes widen. “Now, Gerald.” Aurille was verging towards his tipping point, declining into madness, Erwin could tell. His hands were twitching at his sides, opening and closing, clenching and unclenching. 

Lord Gerald nodded hesitantly, ducking out of Erwin’s line of sight, further into the depths of the dungeon. In his absence, the air around Erwin felt thick and disquieted, filled with an electric tension. All of his nerves were on edge, anticipating what was to come. No matter what, he wouldn’t scream. He wouldn’t scream.

Gerald returned with a long and thick staff of solid wood clutched in his hands. Aurille purred greedily as Gerald approached and extended the cane to him. Though his back was turned to him, Erwin could still see the wide edges of the smile that played at Aurille’s thick lips. When he turned back to Erwin, his brown eyes were glittering in their sockets.

Erwin had known pain. Hell, he had had his arm ripped off by a titan. But this...the echoing pain of the rattan cane as it snapped across his skin, and bit into his flesh, was something new. It was a haunting pain, a residual pain. It burned into him long after the cane had met its mark and pulled away. Aurille brought the cane down across his stomach, over his legs and even across his fingers where they were bound and useless above his head.

Though he hated himself for his weakness, tears burned at Erwin’s eyes. He gasped, his breath coming out in thick, ragged gasps. Blood was seeping through the front of his pants and the white cotton of his shirt. And still Lord Aurille brought the cane down.

“Enough!” Lord Gerald hissed, stepping toward Aurille with an arm outstretched. “He’s had enough.” He grasped ahold of the cane, steadying it where Aurille had it suspended in midair.

Aurille paused a moment, considering. Then he smiled. “You’re quite right. Release him from the shackles and turn him over.”

The lashes upon Erwin’s backside were worse than the ones on his front. They were humiliating as they bit into his ass, into the backs of his legs and the firm muscles of his back. He couldn’t help himself from crying out. He clenched his eyes shut tight at every blow, squirming on the ground. He thought of Levi then, of what Lobov had done to him under similar circumstances. He doubted Levi had allowed Lobov to see his pain. Levi who was so strong. Let Levi be his strength. He gritted his teeth, imagining Levi there by his side, holding on to him, steadying him, as the blows continued to bite into him.

By the time Aurille had finished with him, Erwin could barely move. His pants were wet with blood. As Lord Gerald lifted him and forced his left wrist back into the shackles, the pain was overwhelming, pushing Erwin to the brink of consciousness.

Aurille leaned in close to his face, an expression of contempt and joy on his fat face. “Remember,  _ Commander,  _ it can always get worse. Once we get a hold of that little runt of yours, we’ll hang him first so you can watch.”

Erwin grimaced in pain. Let them threaten Levi. Let them try to catch him. It would be a useless undertaking. They wouldn’t be able to. Levi knew how to survive.

“Do you hear me, Erwin? Hmm?” Aurille slapped a thick-fingered hand across Erwin’s cheek, procuring a hiss of surprise.

At that moment, a deep voice echoed from just outside the cell. It was a voice Erwin recognized, but had not expected to hear. “Lord Aurille. Lord Gerald. Thank you for getting our prisoner warmed up for me. Captain Ackerman sent me in his stead with his apologies. He’s a bit busy dealing with a rodent problem. But he assures you I’m quite capable. Besides, Commander Smith and I have a history.”

As the figure stepped into Erwin’s line of vision, Erwin couldn’t help but stifle a shocked gasp.  _ No. No. Not him. How? _

Captain Bernard Green. His thick brown mustache was still set in place. But those eyes, those sparkling eyes, showed a life of suffering, of trials and tribulations that had obviously hardened him. He was dangerous, Erwin could see. More dangerous than he had ever been before. More dangerous than he had been so many years ago when attempting to stage a coup and remove Erwin from his seat of power. But he had traded in his Military Police uniform for a long black jacket that trailed to the ground, and shining silver armor that protected his chest and shoulders.

Lord Aurille eyed Green with a suspicious look. “Green,” he snapped. “The King expects to know Smith’s plan before the proceedings. We need the location of Levi and the others.”

Green smirked. “We  _ have  _ Levi’s location. He’ll come to us. Don’t you worry. Captain Ackerman is handling it. I already told you.”

Aurille and Gerald stiffened but Erwin remained silent in his assessment of Green.  “You’re sure?” Aurille balked.

“Positive. By week’s end, you’ll have a whole slew of scouts to hang alongside their Commander. Starting with the little underground rodent. That is, if I don’t skin him alive first.” Green’s dark eyes were glittering dangerously in the low light.

“The public needs to see Levi hanged for his crimes,” Aurille interjected.

“And they will. I only want to teach him a little lesson first. That won’t hurt, will it,  _ Erwin _ ?” Green was watching him as a predator would watch his prey, teeth bared and breath baited.

Erwin couldn’t help himself. “Eager for Levi to beat you senseless again, Green? Didn’t know you were such a masochist.”

Anger flashed hotly across Green’s face. A boot to Erwin’s face sent him spiraling into unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

In the weightlessness of Erwin’s dreams, he felt Levi’s arms caressing him. He could hear the smaller man’s desperate moans of pleasure underneath him. Their bodies were twisting and moving together, pressing heatedly against one another. Erwin traced his lips up and down the skin of Levi’s chest without opening his eyes. But...something was wrong. Levi’s skin...it was so...cold. Desperately cold...like ice.

When he opened his eyes, he burst immediately into tears of revulsion and agony. Underneath him, pale skinned and dead-eyed, was the naked corpse of Levi. His Levi. His mouth was open ever so slightly, rimmed with purple lips. And those eyes, those beautiful silver eyes that were so filled with life...were now peering up at the ceiling, unseeing, unblinking. Erwin gasped, pulling out and away as sobs wracked his body. Levi was...dead...dead...dead. And he had been...fucking the corpse, thrusting madly into cold, dead flesh...as though he had been relishing in the feel of it.

_ Erwin, you really are a monster, aren’t you? Worse than that. You’re the devil himself. _

It was Levi’s voice spewing forth from those thin purple lips. Slowly, the corpse of his beloved sat up and turned glazed silver eyes on him.

_ Is this what you wanted, Erwin? We’ve given everything for you. For your dream. We all have. Look at us, Erwin. Are you happy now? _

“No...no...no, Levi…” he sobbed, but all around him, they stepped into view. Mike. Nanaba. Stella, Gris. Petra, Oruo, Eld, Gunther. Yan. Hange. Eren. Mikasa. Armin. All of the new recruits. All of the ghosts of his former friends. Even Nile and his wife Marie. They stared at him with cold, dead eyes and thin, pale skin. They reached out to him.

_ Was your dream worth it, Erwin?  _ Levi asked.  _ When you’re the only one left...and it’s just you and your truth...will you look back and think how this was all worth it? _

A hand on his shoulder, icy and firm. It was his father.

“Father…” he gasped.

_ I wish I could say I was proud. I wish I could say you made me proud. But you...you’re a monster, Erwin. I never wanted this for you. Look at what you’ve done. Look at what you’ve done to everyone you’ve ever loved. _

“No...No...this isn’t what I wanted. I swear. I never wanted this. Please. Father. Levi! Please. Forgive me. Can you forgive me? Levi!”

_ The devil himself leads men to their doom.  _ Pastor Nick. Yet another victim of Erwin’s cause.  _ The devil himself leads men to their doom. Are you not that devil, Erwin Smith? Have you not doomed those who have come to follow you? _

Erwin rubbed his hands forcefully against his eyes, desperate to remove those images, to shake them from his mind. “No. No. No. No. Please. No.” He thrashed violently against the chains that were holding him despite the pain that surged through him.

“No! Levi. Levi! Goddammit. No! Levi!”

_ Erwin...Erwin Smith. _

“No. Please. Levi. I’m so sorry…”

“Erwin! Wake up!” Rough hands on his face and shoulders shook him awake. As his eyes acclimated to his surroundings, Erwin could see the face of Bernard Green peering into his own with a shrewd smile. The thin man was kneeling in front of him, peering steadfastly into his eyes. “Good morning,  _ Commander Handsome.  _ I trust you slept well...though it did look like you might have been having a nightmare. Bad dreams, hmm? Or just a guilty conscience?”

Erwin struggled to pull away from Green, but those long arms held fast on his shoulders. “You know you were crying out for Levi? I imagine it’s not the first time you’ve screamed with that name on your lips, is it?” The smirk on Green’s lips made Erwin cringe in disgust.

Green’s eyes were flickering with a horrible darkness. “Didn’t I warn you? Didn’t I warn you both? To form attachments is to make yourself vulnerable. All it would take to break you, to break you completely, would be to bring Levi in front of you and tear him apart piece by piece. Am I wrong?”

“You’ll never be able to get close to him,” Erwin growled. “Even if you  _ were _ able to, he’d destroy you. As he’s done before.”

“Perhaps that’s true. But, I’m not the one going after him, am I? No. I’m here with you. I already told you. You’re not listening. Captain Ackerman is going after Levi. Captain Kenny Ackerman. Or perhaps you know him better as  _ Kenny the Ripper _ .”

_ Kenny the Ripper.  _ A cold chill descended over Erwin, as he remembered what Levi had told him so many years ago.  _ I survived because of Kenny the Ripper. _

“Ahh so the name  _ is  _ familiar to you. Then Levi most likely told you that Kenny the Ripper raised him in the underground?” Green was still watching him. “That he learned everything he knows from Kenny? So tell me, Erwin...can the student ever really defeat the master? Especially when the master is a serial killer from the underground?”

Fear. Erwin was feeling fear now. Hadn’t Levi always mentioned Kenny with some sense of reverence and disdain? As though, in spite of everything, there was still a bit of respect that lingered? Levi respected no one he felt was weaker than him. Was it possible that Kenny the Ripper,  _ Kenny Ackerman,  _ was, in fact, a formidable adversary and match for Levi?

“I see your little wheels spinning so let me just set your mind at ease. Captain Ackerman will defeat Levi. He will bring him down. And then he’ll bring him back here. Where we can break him down in front of you. It’s inevitable. And oh, the things I’m going to do to that little body when its broken under my fingertips. Maybe I’ll even let you watch...” Green almost moaned as he spoke, his eyes rolling back in his head. “Tell me, Erwin, what’s it like to fuck Humanity’s Strongest Soldier? Is he as tight as he looks? A body that small...I can only imagine - !”

“Shut up!” Erwin spat, unable to hold his tongue any longer. “Don’t you dare - !”

“Ahh so I’ve struck a nerve,” Green whispered. “To be honest with you, I’ve thought about it quite a bit since that day. Since you  _ ruined  _ me. I lost everything because of you…”

“You ruined yourself - !”

“Perhaps. One could frame it in that light. But Kenny Ackerman saved me. When he was appointed as the Captain of the Anti-Personnel Squad, he came to me. Must have heard about my little run in with the Survey Corps...he was pleased with my skills and my passion. And he secured my release from prison. And my appointment in his squad. I owe everything to that man. And when Kenny heard that the government needed someone to get information out of Commander Erwin Smith, he gave me the chance to be the one to do it. Gave me the chance to get my revenge. And now here we are.”

“You think you’ll get information out of me?” Erwin smirked. “It won’t happen.”

“But it’s not about the information, is it?” Green asked, his eyes twinkling with excitement. “It never was. You’re being held here not because the government thinks it can get you to talk. They know better. You’re being held here to teach you a lesson. To bide the time in torture and misery and destitution until the government is ready to see you hang. Don’t tell me you truly don’t see that? Thought you were supposed to be some sort of political genius?”

Erwin balked. Could he be right? Was it possible?

“They hate you, Smith. They always have. You challenge them. You challenge their authority. You’re dangerous. And now you’ve got the titan shifter under your thumb too. Along with Humanity’s Strongest Soldier? Soon, you’ll be unstoppable. They fear you. This was never meant to be be an opportunity for you to apologize and right the wrongs you’ve committed. Your fate was sealed the moment you denied them what they wanted.” Green was smiling now. “Which is wonderful news for me. Here I have you all to myself. To do with you what I please. I’m so excited, I hardly know where to begin.”

Erwin’s eyes narrowed in defiance.

“Honestly, it's too bad Levi’s not here to join us. I suppose we’ll have to make due with just the two of us.” Green rose to his feet, cracking his knuckles as he did so. In one quick movement, Green leaned in and pressed a hot, wet kiss on Erwin’s lips, forcing his tongue inside Erwin’s mouth and leaving a trail of saliva in his wake. His hands roamed Erwin’s chest, groping and dragging across the plains of his front, even dipping inside the fabric, to graze over and pinch his nipples. Erwin could do nothing to resist, bound and weak as he was, though he did his best to struggle against the embrace.

His mind flashed to Levi then, as Green viciously molested him. Levi. Levi. Levi. Let Levi be his strength. Imagine it was Levi’s hands scratching and digging in. Imagine it was Levi moaning and rutting against him. Imagine it was Levi’s hot mouth kissing trails up and down his jawline.

Despite himself, Erwin felt tears silently begin to fall down his cheeks. No one but Levi had touched him in years. No hands but Levi’s own had caressed his body. He felt soiled, dirty, defiled. As though his inaction was a betrayal to Levi. This was worse than the pain, this false and unwanted tenderness.

Finally, after a moment of breathless grinding and sloppy kisses, Green pulled away, his lips red and swollen from the force he had been using. He ran a hand over Erwin’s cheek, brushing away the tears. “You’re fucking pathetic,” he whispered before slamming his fist into Erwin’s face.

Erwin was dizzy with pain. He gasped as blood spurted from the fresh cut above his eyebrow. Green’s boot then connected with his rib cage, digging in and knocking him to his side. Swimming, he was swimming, submerged below water, unable to breathe. He was losing consciousness again, but could vaguely feel Green’s hands at the buttons of his pants, gripping his hips and pulling down.

 

_ No. No. No. No. _

He could feel his exposure, could hear Green groaning as he ran hands down Erwin’s bared skin. “You don’t know how long I’ve longed for this. To strip you bare and break you down. Commander Erwin Smith. You’re nothing. You’re nothing. You’ve always been nothing,” Green whispered. Again and again, he slammed Erwin’s face into the cold stone floor.

Stars lit up in the blackness behind Erwin’s eyelids and he welcomed the retreat into oblivion.

 

* * *

 

When Erwin awoke, the pain was overwhelming. He was alone in the solitude of his cell, still shackled, still immobile. Though it was too dark to see, and though there was no one around to corroborate, Erwin knew. Knew from the aching and the burning and the dull throbbing, what had happened. What Green had done.

His left eye was nearly swollen shut from the beatings. He was sure several ribs had been broken. Breathing itself was difficult. But he was alive. And he still had a plan to which he needed to keep. Eventually they would come for him. Eventually they would lay the foundations for the commencement of that plan. And eventually his fate would be sealed.

He only hoped he might be able to see Levi one more time before the end.

“Erwin.” It was Nile’s voice. Nile’s face that peered in at him, wearing a look of abject horror and consternation. “Erwin, what have they done to you?”

 

Erwin was stiff, so stiff. He groaned in response. His left arm, still shackled above him had long ago fallen asleep, dissolving into pins and needles that pricked at him from beneath his skin. He barely registered the turning of the key in the lock, Nile’s approach with hesitant yet gentle hands. 

 

Before he knew it, he was in Nile’s arms. His left hand had been released and he was being cradled, touched gently with a warm cloth that cleaned the blood from his face, from his neck and his hands. 

 

“Erwin, what are you thinking? What is all this for? Is it worth it?” Nile groaned, inspecting Erwin’s wounds. “Goddammit, Erwin. What have they done to you?”

 

Erwin wouldn’t admit it, wouldn’t lend credence to the atrocity that had been committed. No. He would not allow Green the satisfaction of his humiliation. He would destroy Green in other ways. 

 

“Erwin,”  Nile was peering into his face with aghast and imploring eyes. “They are going to kill you. They’re going to hang you in front of all of Mitras. I can’t help you, Erwin. Please tell me you have a plan. Please tell me...please, Erwin. I’m begging you.” 

 

His words shocked Erwin. He and Nile had been separated by cities, by regiment, by class and allegiances. But even despite all that, there was still a connection, still something that bound them together. He had been a fool to think that his actions would not affect Nile too. Erwin met his friend’s worried eyes with a slight smile. Little did Nile know that so much of Erwin’s plan revolved around Nile himself. The decisions he would make, the stands he would or wouldn’t take. 

 

Nile made to cleaning Erwin’s wounds in silence, gently using the warm cloth to clean away the blood and filth. Erwin allowed it, grateful for one small piece of kindness amidst a storm of cruelty. 

 

Green came for him only a few hours after Nile’s departure. Several other MP’s were in tow, trailing along behind, though Erwin recognized none of them. “Time for penance, Commander Smith. Your trial awaits,” Green’s voice rang out against the stone walls.

As Green slipped the key into Erwin’s shackles, he moved near enough to whisper in his ear. “I want to thank you for last night. How lucky am I to be the last person to get enjoy Commander Handsome before he’s led to the gallows? Won’t your little Captain be remiss to know that his hands were not the last ones to touch you?”

Erwin remained silent, unable to look into Green’s eyes. He was wrong. He was so wrong. This wasn’t over. It was far from over. He would feel Levi’s touch again. He would see the government toppled for what it had done, for the lies it had told. And he would see Bernard Green pay. 

 

* * *

 

 

Green was there in the courtroom when Erwin’s plan fell into place. And alongside the other noble lords, Green was led away in chains. His eyes connected with Erwin’s as he fought and struggled against the shackles that bound him. Erwin could tell from the look of angry disbelief that marred Green’s face, that the trial had not played out as he had expected it to. His actions the night prior had been motivated by the promise of a future in which Erwin Smith would be executed, would not be able to seek retribution.

 

But the gamble had paid off yet again. And the war was far from over. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if that was rough. As always, let me know if you see any jarring issues/grammatical errors. 
> 
> I foresee about 2-3 more chapters at this point and if my angst keeps me writing, those chapters may come sooner than later. 
> 
> Your comments give me life so thanks to those of you commented/kudos'd...(is that a word?)  
> Please let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song is Worry List by Blue October!

Ackerman.

That was his name. Levi Ackerman. All those years. He had never known. All those years, it had been “Just Levi.”

He _had_ suspected, he supposed. Suspected that Kenny had been more than just a friend of his mother’s. More than just a monster who had trained him up in the shadows of the underground. Those shining silver eyes that looked so much like his own...Levi had often wondered...but Kenny was not his father. He was...had been...his uncle. 

He’d never treated Levi like family. Never. So, why start moments before his death? But Kenny had surprised Levi, forcing the vial of titan serum to Levi’s chest. And just before he breathed his last breath, Kenny said words that would haunt Levi for the rest of his life. _They were all a slave to something. Even him._  

Whoever Kenny was talking about, it wasn’t Erwin. But for some reason, those words called Levi to the man he loved, the man to whom he had devoted his life. _They were all a slave to something. Even him._

Kenny had been a slave to his dream of power, of becoming something better than he had spent his entire life being. Erwin...was he a slave as well? A slave to his father’s dream? To learning the truth? 

As Kenny breathed his dying breath, all Levi could think about was Erwin. The man who was his real family. His fingers grazed the solid wood grain of the box that held the titan serum. It was an object of power, of truth. It contained the key to both of their dreams. Erwin’s and Kenny’s. And yet, Levi himself had been entrusted with it. Why? What was Levi a slave to? What was Levi’s dream? Did he even have one?

His journey back to their temporary accommodations in the MP compound was consumed with the turmoil of his own thoughts. Did he have a dream? Or was he merely blindly following the dream of someone else? Erwin’s dream.

Erwin. His Erwin. He hadn’t had a moment to be close with him, to tell him all that had happened, all he had discovered. About the world and about himself. About Kenny. But the last time he had seen Erwin, his body and face had been decorated with the bruises and cuts of his captivity and torture. And though he hadn’t been able to question Erwin about it, Levi’s observations of his Commander’s movements had been able to discern the incredible pain Erwin was still undergoing. Though Levi had wanted to grab Erwin and hold him, and demand to know what they had done to him, they hadn’t had time. And he knew Erwin would have told him that their duty was far more important. So, like a good soldier, Levi had pushed his personal feelings aside and moved forward with their plan. All the while, Erwin had existed in the back of his mind, consuming his subconscious thoughts.

He came across Hange in the hallway of the MP headquarters. She smiled softly at him. “Any luck?”

He nodded, his eyes hooded behind the veil of his dark hair.

“And?” she probed with wide eyes. He knew what she was asking.

“And it’s over. Kenny is dead.”

Hange averted her eyes. “Levi, I’m sorry…”

“Don’t,” he snapped. “I’m fine." 

“What did you find out? About...who he was?” 

“My uncle. My mother’s brother.”

“Levi…”

“What? It doesn’t change anything. He still tried to kill me. Multiple times. He was still a monster who killed our comrades. He didn’t give a shit about anyone but himself.”

“And yet, he took the time to save a starving kid in the underground over thirty years ago…” Levi wanted to slap the knowing look off Hange’s face. He should never have told her that story, should never have let her see his vulnerability. But, as much as he hated to admit it, part of him wanted to see her point, wanted to believe that there had been more to Kenny than some murderous, selfish criminal. To believe that maybe there had been a part of Kenny that had cared about him, perhaps even loved him.

 _“_ Fuck that, Four-Eyes. That was just his guilty conscience for abandoning my mother to a whorehouse in the underground. He never cared about me. He _abandoned_ me. You know what, we’re done talking about this. Where’s Erwin?”

Hange smirked at that. “Same place he always is.”

 _His office. Of course._ Levi shouldn’t have been surprised. Erwin had been confined to his temporary office space since the defeat of Rod Reiss. The impending coronation of _Queen_ Historia Reiss had prolonged their stay in Mitras, but it hadn’t kept Erwin from his work. If anything, it had only further devoted him to it.

“He’s been waiting for you, you know,” Hange winked and Levi crossed his arms in from of his chest.

“You better not have said anything to him - !” 

“Of course I didn’t. It’s not my story to tell. But, _you_ should. Tell him, I mean.”

“He doesn’t need another thing to worry about…” Levi spat and Hange scowled at him.

“So, you’ve noticed it too, then.”

Levi balked under her glare. “What?”

“He’s different. Since he came back from MP custody. They...did something to him.” There was disdain and anger etched deeply into her features and Levi understood the feeling. He understood it, but he didn’t have the luxury of entertaining it. 

“Yea...they beat the shit out of him. Couldn’t miss that black eye…”

“No. It’s something more than that. Erwin can take a beating. You know that. It’s like they...degraded him. He’s still Erwin...just, dimmer somehow. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed it. You know him better than anyone.” Her eyes were imploring as she assessed him, as if begging him to admit he had seen what she had, to give credence to her assertions.

“I’ll talk to him,” Levi conceded, if for no other reason than to get her off his back. “Ok? But just...let it drop. I’m sure he’s fine.”

Hange nodded and watched him as he moved past. He could feel her eyes on his back, but refused to glance back in her direction. He wanted her to be wrong. Desperately. Erwin needed to still be Erwin. For the Corps. For their upcoming mission. For Levi. If they had hurt him...really hurt him...Levi wasn’t sure he would be able to handle that. 

He approached Erwin’s office on unsure legs, his breath caught in his throat. It had been so long since they’d been alone, since they’d had time to themselves. Since before Erwin’s arrest. Since before Kenny. What if Hange was right and Erwin really was different? What if whatever he had gone through would be enough separate them, pull them apart?

For a moment, he considered barging in, as he always used to. But, for some strange reason, his hand stilled at the doorknob. Instead, he raised a fist to knock.

“Come in,” Erwin’s voice echoed from within and Levi’s heart began pounding against his ribcage. He did as he was bid, opening the door to reveal Erwin sitting at his desk with a pen in his left hand. He smiled when Levi stepped inside and shut the door behind him.

“Levi.” His voice. That much had not changed. The bruises on his face had died down and faded to a dull grayish green. But he was still beautiful. Still perfectly himself. At least outwardly.

“Erwin.” Levi smirked slightly, his eyes wandering to the garbled script left behind by Erwin’s pen. “Having a little trouble there, old man?”  

Erwin returned his smirk. “You noticed, did you?" 

“Kinda hard not to.”

“I’m getting better. _I’m_ getting better,” Erwin said delicately, dipping his pen back in the ink. Levi watched his movements with sharp eyes. He seemed fine. Seemed like himself.

“Oi, Erwin. I have something for you.” At his words, Erwin’s eyes raised, sparkling with interest.

“What is it?”

“A gift of sorts. I think you’ll like it.” Levi reached into his pocket for the box Kenny had given him. The box containing the titan serum. He placed it on Erwin’s desk and noted the uneven pace his Commander’s breath had undertaken at seeing it. 

“Is this…?” Erwin stuttered.

“Open it,” Levi urged roughly.

Erwin’s fingers fumbled over the clasp, trembling ever so slightly as they lifted the lid. He gasped to see the syringe nestled within layers of fabric and cushion. “How did you…?” Erwin whispered breathily.

“Kenny,” Levi said and Erwin’s gaze flickered back to his face.

“Kenny Ackerman?” Erwin asked. “Kenny the Ripper?” 

Levi’s eyes widened. How did he know? He studied Erwin closely for a moment. Those eyes, those perfect blues. Why did they look so afraid? “How did you know that?”

“Green told me.” His words caused Levi to freeze in his tracks.

“Green?”

“Bernard Green.” Erwin was unflinching when he said the name, but his eyes seemed unable to meet Levi’s. Instead, they fell back to the parchment in front of him.

“Erwin, what the hell? I thought Zakley and the MP’s had locked Green up in the underground?”

“They did. But it seems our friend Kenny Ackerman sought to see Green freed and reinstated. To the Anti-Personnel Squad.”

Levi eyed Erwin with incredulity. “Kenny did that? Why?”

Erwin’s eyes never roved from his desk as he spoke. “Seems Captain Ackerman was aware of Green’s run-in with the Survey Corps, with his desire for revenge against us. I suppose he thought that kind of attitude would be well-suited for a position within an organization whose only purpose was to take us down. And when the government requested someone with the tools to torture and procure information from me, I suspect that Green volunteered." 

Levi stiffened as a cold chill ran through his body. “What did he do to you, Erwin?”

Finally, Erwin looked up at him with vacant eyes. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie to me. Let me see.” 

Erwin’s eyes widened. “What…?”

“Let me _see_ , Erwin.” Levi made to move around the desk, to get his hands on Erwin, to see the results of his torture but Erwin forcefully dismissed him with a grunt.

“I don’t have time for this, Levi.”

“Bullshit.” Levi held fast, his eyes burning fiercely into Erwin’s. “That’s bullshit and you know it. What don’t you want me to see?” 

It was Erwin’s turn to glare then. “I said no, Levi. Leave it alone.” His tone indicated his intention of finality. As did the stone-cold look in his piercing blue eyes. Levi’s heart felt like a stone sinking in his chest. Was it perhaps worse than he had anticipated? He backed up, allowing his arms to fall to his sides.

“Thank you for this, Levi,” Erwin said softly, cutting through the tension that had enveloped them. His eyes were on the serum. “This could very well change the tides of this war. I’ll send it to Hange for assessment and testing.”

“She’ll love that, no doubt,” Levi muttered, leaning up against the adjacent wall.

Erwin nodded. “She will. It’s because of _you_ that we have the opportunity. I’m grateful.”

The coldness, the rigidity with which Erwin addressed him left Levi wanting. Wanting more. Wanting warmth. “I didn’t do anything to get it. Kenny shoved it at my chest. I thought that he was going to inject himself with it.”

_They were all a slave to something. Even him._

“But he didn’t. Why do you suppose?” Erwin’s eyes were open, inquisitive, gentle.

“He realized his dream, the one thing he had wanted for so long, was a lie. He’d been a slave to that dream for most of his life. He’d lived for that dream alone. At the end of everything, I don’t think he wanted to live without it. He died a free man.”

Erwin’s eyebrows were raised. “He’s dead, then?” 

Levi nodded. “Lost a lot of blood. And badly burned from Reiss’s titan transformation. His entire squad was crushed when the save collapsed.”

Erwin was watching his face, studying him, as if hoping to ascertain his feelings on the matter. Levi shifted his weight uncomfortably. “What?” he snapped.

Erwin’s lips pulled into a tight smile. “How do you feel about that?”

“Fine,” he spat more forcefully than he had intended.

“Of course,” Erwin said with delicacy. “It’s just that...why would Kenny Ackerman give the serum to you? Rather than destroying it? Why give it to his enemy?”

Levi felt his cheeks flush unwillingly. “How should I know?”

“You said he raised you...perhaps he didn’t view you as his enemy afterall?" 

Levi flustered under Erwin’s penetrating stare. “What are you getting at, Erwin?”

“I heard something while I was in Mitras. Something that made some strange sort of sense. Flegel Reeves was loudly proclaiming how Hange Zoe and Levi _Ackerman_ had saved his city. Ackerman.” Levi’s heart was racing but he didn’t break the intense connection between his eyes and Erwin’s. “Were you going to tell me, Levi?”

 

Levi narrowed his eyes defiantly. “Thought you had more important things to worry about than my last name,” he spat.

“Kenny Ackerman,” Erwin said. “Was he - ?”

“My uncle,” Levi said plainly. “My mother’s brother.”

Erwin nodded, looking away. “I see. So that’s why…”

“Why, what?” Levi snapped.

“Why he saved you all those years ago in the underground. Why he gave you the serum instead of injecting it.”

“Don’t make him out to be a hero, Erwin. He wasn’t.”

“Perhaps not. But he’s a part of you. He helped make you who you are. If not for his actions back then, you might now be here. For that, I’m thankful.”

Levi bristled. “He’d shit on your thankfulness.”

At that, Erwin chuckled. “I imagine he would.” A pause and stillness fell in between them. Then, “Levi Ackerman.” Erwin said it like it was smooth silk slipping through his lips. Hearing it sent shivers down Levi’s spine. It was almost...sensual. Levi’s mouth went dry and his pulse quickened.  

Glancing in Erwin’s direction, he could see the heat hidden within those blue eyes. His skin felt hot all at once. “I like it,” Erwin whispered. “The way it sounds. It suits you.”

Levi wanted to touch him, to press a kiss into his lips, to hold him and never let go. But even though the distance separating them was miniscule in comparison to that which had separated them over the last few weeks, it felt insurmountable. Painful. And in spite of himself, Levi ached for Erwin.

“I’ll submit a form for a change of name today,” Erwin said after a moment.

“That’s not necessary. Don’t make more work for yourself.”

“Nonsense. I want to.” Erwin was digging deeply into one of his drawers and struggling ever so slightly to remain balanced. The lack of his right arm stood out starkly, and before Levi knew it, he was reaching out and stilling Erwin’s hand, twining his own fingers with Erwin’s.

“Erwin, stop. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter right now.”

Erwin glanced up at him with tears glimmering in his eyes. “It matters to me,” he whispered as a tear fell down his cheek. 

Levi blinked, stunned, watching his Commander openly weep. “Erwin,” he said, moving closer to caress his cheek and brush the tear away. They lingered there like that for the briefest of moments before Levi leaned in and gently pressed his lips to Erwin’s cheek. Hearing the slightest of gasps release from Erwin’s lips told him it wasn’t unwelcomed. Gingerly, he pulled away, only to be pulled back in by desperate hands.

It happened so fast. They grasped at each other with hungry hands, mouths open and breathing hitched. Levi hadn’t realized it. How ravenous he was for Erwin. His hands scaled the hard body of his Commander, tugging and pulling at the buttons and zippers that kept him just out of Levi’s reach. Before he knew it, Erwin’s shirt was in a pile on the ground, his bare chest hard and trembling under Levi’s touch. 

Erwin’s lips never stopped their insistence on Levi’s own. He never pulled away. His left hand tangled hard in Levi’s hair, forcing their faces together. Distracting all of Levi’s attention. Preventing him from _seeing_ what was right in front of him.

But he did see. In the briefest of moments, Levi opened his eyes to glance down at the body writhing beneath him and in that moment, his heart stopped. He pulled away, eyes wide, mouth agape.

“Erwin…” he gasped. He was angry. No. He was fucking furious. He felt his skin grow hot in rage. Because the body in his grasp was one littered with healing bruises, scabs, fading marks that he might wear for the rest of his life. And on his clavicle, scattered along his collarbone and down his chest, were unmistakable bite marks, marks in the shape of a human mouth, etched deeply into the canvas of his perfectly porcelain skin. 

Levi felt nauseous looking down at Erwin, looking at the man he loved covered in a pallet of sickening colors. He had seen marks like those before. His mother had worn marks like those in the underground brothel. She had done her best to hide them where they had appeared on her chest, her thighs, her breasts. Levi knew those marks, knew what they meant.

“Levi,” Erwin choked out his name, reaching out to pull him back in with vehemently desperate hands. But Levi held fast.

“Did he - ?” Levi couldn’t say the words, they caught in his throat like bile.

Erwin was reaching out to him, shaking his head with wide eyes. “Levi, please. It’s nothing. Please, just let it go.” He was _begging_. Erwin Smith did not beg. Whatever Green had done, it seemed to have rattled something loose inside Erwin. He was like a war-battered animal, licking his wounds. Terrified of another attack but too proud to admit his own defeat. 

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Levi whispered, his voice dangerous and deadly. “Tell me he didn’t…”

“Levi. Stop. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“No. You’re not fine! Look at you! Look at what he did to you, Erwin.”

Erwin’s mouth opened as if to respond, but instead he floundered like a fish out of water. Finally, he dropped his hold on Levi’s arms and allowed his arm to fall to his side. He seemed unable to make eye contact with Levi then, as if he was ashamed, embarrassed. That look set Levi’s teeth on edge.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered after a moment of silence and Levi gaped at him, utterly perturbed. “I’m sorry, Levi.”

“The hell are you _sorry_ for?” Levi snapped.

“I should have...tried harder. Been stronger. Held out longer.”

“This is _not_ your fault,” Levi growled, placing a hand on both of Erwin’s cheeks so their eyes were once again locked in to each other. “I’m going to fucking kill him for what he did to you.”

“Levi, please,” Erwin gasped then. “I need this. I need you. I need to feel you...to feel like myself again. Unless...you feel differently…given the circumstances...”

Levi couldn’t help himself. He pulled Erwin to him, meeting his lips again and again and again, parting them with his tongue.  Nothing would ever make Levi feel differently about Erwin. Nothing Erwin could ever do in this life or the next.

As he undressed Erwin, he was sure to be steady and gentle, though doing so did not come naturally to him. Every inch of skin that was uncovered was pallet of welts and bruises, fading scabs that would inevitably give rise to ugly, heinous scars. Levi’s hands traced over those marks, willing them away, willing Erwin to heal from what had been done to him. And Erwin melted into his touch, giving himself over to the pleasure that sought to ease any remnants of his pain.

The gentility was short-lived however, as the hunger in Erwin’s touch deepened. Levi craved it more than he could have imagined possible, craved the feeling of Erwin inside of him, completely filling him. He groaned as Erwin’s hand traced the the bulge in his pants, stroking and fondling in a circular motion.

“Come here.” Erwin pulled him forward and out of instinct, Levi straddled his lap, slowly gyrating over Erwin’s hard and exposed cock. After several moments of that repetitive grinding, Erwin’s moans of pleasure became louder and louder. He was close, Levi knew. He slowed his movements, kissing Erwin’s lips tenderly. “Not yet. I want you to fuck me.”

Erwin groaned, a sheen of sweat glistening over his brow. He licked at Levi’s bottom lip, nibbling and moaning into it. “Levi…” There was hesitance in his voice, a slight tremor that even his arousal could not hide.

Levi pulled back, if only slightly, to look into the perfect sky blue of those eyes. “Is that ok?”

Erwin nodded, his eyes fluttering. “Yes,” he gasped. “Yes, please." 

Erwin’s makeshift office also served as his sleeping quarters, equipped with a bed and all the necessities. They fumbled, lips locked and bodies crashing together, to the bed, where Erwin eased Levi onto his back and began to unbutton and pull down his pants. As the air hit his now exposed and solid member, Levi groaned in anticipation. His eyes rolled back in his head as Erwin viciously swallows him down, taking his full cock deeply into his throat.

Levi’s right hand strayed to the nightstand beside the bed. “Erwin, do you have…?”

Erwin eased up on Levi’s cock, slipping off with a slick pop that caused Levi’s head to fall back with a groan of pleasure. Slowly, Erwin laid a trail of kisses up Levi’s navel to his chest to the sharp line of his jaw. The feel of those lips on his skin set Levi’s nerves ablaze. He was on fire with ecstasy. The rest of the world was forgotten.

Erwin was gently climbing off the bed to reach into the nightstand and withdraw a small vial of oil. Setting it down on the table top, he uncorked the top. But he was then overcome with a perplexed, almost embarrassed expression. “Levi...will you...help me?”

It was the first time they had fucked since Erwin had lost his arm, Levi realized. Without hesitation, he rose to his knees facing Erwin and wrapped his arms around his lover’s neck. After leaving a messy but encouraging kiss on Erwin’s lips, Levi picked up the vial and poured some into the palm of his own hand. With his lips opening to Erwin’s, he began to open himself, groaning into Erwin’s mouth.

“Levi,” Erwin whined. “I want to...to do it. Please. I want to feel you. Let me feel you." 

He was needy tonight. Levi’s heart began to beat faster at his words, at the prospect of Erwin’s fingers slipping past his opening, widening him, preparing him.  He nodded breathlessly. “Put out your hand,” he whispered.

Erwin did, passionately taking his lips again as if in thanks. Levi coated two of his fingers with the oil, gently rubbing them in between his own. When Erwin finally slipped inside him, he moaned without decorum, moving his mouth to the crook of Erwin’s shoulder to blunt the volume. “More,” he whimpered. “Fuck, more, Erwin.”

Erwin obliged, adding another finger and crooking them just right inside so Levi cried out. 

“I’m ready,” Levi breathed, but Erwin shook his head. 

“Not yet,” he said steadily and Levi scowled.

“ _Now_ , Erwin,” he growled but Erwin matched his tone.

“No.” His voice was firm, strong and unwavering. “I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t have you feel anything but pleasure. Not tonight. Not ever.”

And then Levi understood. The last person to touch Erwin had not been gentle, had not worked to ensure that he was ready or prepared. The last person to touch Erwin had hurt him and Erwin did not want the same for Levi. Levi’s heart panged with guilt then, watching those steadfast blue eyes bore into his own. Though lust-blown and wide, they showed only adoration and gentility. So Levi nodded and endured the torturous preparation Erwin saw fit to inflict upon him. Because tonight was just as much about allowing Erwin to heal, to feel safe and loved, as it was about the pleasure.

When Erwin finally lay him back down and separated his legs to situate himself between them, Levi’s cock was aching and weeping. He yearned for Erwin, ached for him. And when Erwin finally saw fit to press inside him, Levi felt nothing but pleasure. Pleasure and a sense of completion. He writhed under Erwin, bucking his hips in time with Erwin’s thrusts until they were both panting, teetering on the edge of orgasm. When he sensed Erwin’s completion was near, Levi forced himself to meet those perfectly all-consuming blue eyes, to ease Erwin to the brink knowing he was loved, protected, worshipped, venerated.

Erwin came inside him with tears in his eyes, shaking and crying out his name. “I love you. I love you, Levi.” Levi came only moments after, stirred and riled by the passion-filled sound of his name on Erwin’s lips.

Even after everything he had been through, this man, this beautiful, perfect, amazing man, still allowed himself to love and be loved. To be strong and yet weak at the same time. To protect and be protected. To consume and be consumed. It was a delicate balance and yet Erwin maintained it with such poise and control that it seemed almost effortless. But Levi knew, had seen it with his own two eyes. The balancing act was taking its toll and Erwin Smith was, in fact, only human afterall.

Erwin fell asleep quickly, tangled naked in the sheets, his left arm draped over Levi’s body. His soft snores brought Levi some peace, knowing that, at least for now, Erwin was allowing himself the solace of rest. With a light kiss to Erwin’s forehead, he slipped from the bed, redressing himself in silence, before heading out Erwin’s office and pulling the door shut behind him.  

He wasn’t sure where Zakley and the Dok had chosen to hold that bastard Green, but he had a slight inclination. He was mostly likely with the other nobles, in the cells beneath the MP headquarters. The same cells in which Erwin himself had been held. _How ironic._

Levi hadn’t slept in what felt like days. Though he didn’t _need_ much in way of sleep, his bones ached in protest as he headed down the hallway rather than seeking reprieve in the warmth of Erwin’s arms. To his surprise, he was not the only one awake at this hour.

His eyes were drawn to the dim light of a candle burning at the end of the hallway. Commander Dok. Curiosity got the better of him, and Levi strode towards the flickering glow, to see Nile still awake, nursing what appeared to be a cup of steaming coffee or tea, submerged in paperwork that was doubtless the results of the incarcerations of most of Mitras’s noble lords.

“Nile,” he said roughly to announce his presence. Dok startled at his voice, his brown eyes flickering up to meet Levi’s. 

“Levi.”

“I would have thought you’d have gone to bed hours ago. Didn’t think you were one for pulling all-nighters.” Levi leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest.

Nile shook his head. “I’m not. But thanks to the Survey Corps, I seem to have quite a bit of extra work lately.”

“Nile, where is Green being held?”

Nile stilled at Levi’s words, his pen stopping its incessant scratching. “Why do you ask?”

Levi grunted. “Want to pay him a little visit.”

A pause. Nile was watching him with hardened eyes. Suspicion was etched deeply into his weary features. “I doubt that.”

“He in the dungeons with the other nobles?”

“What are you playing at?” Nile asked coldly. “They’ll all be punished for their crimes against humanity. Including Green. I know what you mean to do, Levi. Let Zakley deal with it.”

“Have you seen what he did to Erwin?” Levi snapped. “If you had, you wouldn’t be telling me to _let Zakley deal with it._ Whatever punishment Green will face won’t be enough.” 

Nile was silent, tense. What was he thinking? Finally, he spoke, his voice terse, tired. “Erwin wouldn’t want you to do whatever you mean to do. Even after everything, he still believes in order. In the regiments, the government’s justice.”

“This is different,” Levi spat, and to his surprise, Nile nodded.

“I know.”

Levi froze, mouth agape. “You _know_?”

“I know what Green did. I found Erwin after. I...cleaned his wounds.”

Levi’s stomach clenched, imagining it. Imagining the blood, the wrecked and broken body of the man he loved, laying on the dungeon floor. “And still, you trust Zakley to _handle_ it? You think a lifetime in a cell is good enough punishment?”

“What do you mean to do, Levi? Kill him?”

Levi’s eyes narrowed, but he did not speak. Nile continued.

“Kill him and you’ll be thrown in a cell. You’ll face murder charges. Is that what you want? Do you think that’s what _Erwin_ wants?” 

Levi gritted his teeth in frustration, unable to meet Nile’s eyes. “Why should I listen to you?” he growled. “Since when did you care what happened to me?” 

“I don’t,” Nile said plainly. “But I _do_ care about Erwin. And you getting yourself locked away for life won’t be doing him any favors.”

“So, what? You want me to just pretend it didn’t happen?” Levi was growing angry, impatient.

“Of course not. I just...might have something better.”

Levi couldn’t help the hike of his eyebrows. “Oh yea? What do you suggest?”

Nile stood. “Come with me.”’

Levi trailed behind Nile as he exited his office, shutting and locking the door behind him. Together, they walked, in silence, down the hallway, heading down the stone stairsteps that would lead them down to the dungeons. The air began to thicken and cool substantially as they descended beneath the earth.

Nile never spoke, never looked back. Levi watched his posture for any indication as to his thought process, but he gave nothing away. _Surprising,_ Levi thought. He continued on nonetheless.

As they neared the entrance to the dungeons, Levi felt his heart climbing to his throat. He was so close to Green now, he could feel the aching in his fingers, the curling desire to wrap his hands around Green’s throat and squeeze the life from him. Stepping into the darkness, Levi was consumed by the sweatiness, the rancid scents of filth and shit that hung in the air. He wanted to choke in revulsion, but forced himself to ignore it, to breathe through his nose. 

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Commander Traitor and Captain Underground Rat. How good of you both to pay me a visit. If I’d have known you were coming, I might have tidied up a bit more…” That voice. It crept into Levi’s heart and iced it over. He hadn’t heard that voice since...that day in the underground. The day he had decided that loving Erwin was too dangerous.

Since then, so much had changed. Levi had forgotten about Green’s warning, pushed it aside like the trash it was. He hadn’t given Bernard Green a second thought. And the whole time, Green had been lying in wait for the opportune time to seek his revenge.

“Enjoying the accommodations, Green?” Nile snapped. “Hope so. Because Kenny Ackerman won’t be here to bail you out this time.”

“Oh no?” Green’s voice whined. “Did that old cretin finally bite the dust then?”

Levi stilled by Nile’s side, glaring through the bars at the man who was the manifestation of his living, breathing hatred. His hands clenched at his sides, the nails of his thumbs digging into the pads of his fingers. 

“He did. And you’ll spend the rest of your life behind these very bars.” Nile’s voice was a harsh whisper, reverberating through the hollow space. 

“So, why’d you come then? Come here to gloat?” Green’s eyes roved over Nile before settling on Levi’s tense form. He smiled knowingly. “Ahh...or perhaps you’re here to _punish_ me for what I did to our friend, Commander Smith? Just couldn’t take it, could you, Levi? Couldn’t take it that I got a piece of ass while you were away -!” 

Levi leapt. His hand rushed forward through the bars to grasp a hold of Green’s collar and pull him roughly forward. Green’s chin smacked hard against the bars that separated them, and though he struggled, he was unable to withdraw from Levi’s grip. 

“Levi, enough,” Nile snapped. “I told you I had another option for us.”

Levi forced himself to let go. Though the desire to cause Green pain was running rampant and unchecked through his body like adrenaline. He wasn’t sure he had ever hated someone so much as this man. 

Green gasped and grabbed at his neck after being released. There was an eerie smirk on his face as he looked between his two visitors, assessing them and their intentions from behind steel bars. “Oh so Commander Traitor has a plan, does he? What, a plan to make me suffer? To make me pay for what I did to Commander Handsome?” 

Nile began digging in his pocket. Levi could hear the clanging of metal on metal. Oblivious, or perhaps uncaring, Green prattled on.

“He was practically begging for it. You should have seen him. What was any hot-blooded man to do? It’s been something I’ve wanted to do since I first saw him. I’m sure I’m not alone in that. Hell, between the two of you, I’m in good company.” 

Nile had retrieved a key and was slipping it into the lock of Green’s cell. He glanced at Levi. “Hold him.”

Then the door was open. Green was leaping at them, attempting to slip past, but Levi held him fast and steady. One of his arms was slung under Green’s right armpit, the other just above his left shoulder, locking his neck and forcing his chin upward. Though he wriggled, Levi’s grip was strong, restricting his breathing.

Levi watched as Nile began unbuckling the straps of Green’s harnesses, pulling the worn brown leather off his legs and down his waist. Levi’s eyes widened, watching Nile’s lithe movements. They were practiced, rehearsed. He’d been planning this.  

After a few moments, Green’s wriggling began to cease.

“Release him,” Nile commanded and Levi did as he was told, dropping Green’s sobering body to the floor in a gasping mess of wobbly limbs. He was obviously disoriented and Nile pushed past Levi to straddle Green’s waist and knock him flat on the floor.

“Hold his arms,” Nile snapped. “Hurry, before he regains consciousness.”

Levi, again, did as he was told. He watched with huge, horrified eyes as Nile fastened the belts of Green’s own harnesses around his neck, tightening them until the skin puckered.  

“Help me lift him up.”

Levi knew Nile’s intention without him having to speak it out loud. He slipped his arms under Green’s armpits and assisted Nile in lifting the prisoner into the air. Green was just coming to as Nile slipped the end of his harnesses up and over the heavy metal piping of the ceiling and pulled down hard.

“Let him go,” Nile said harshly and Levi watched as Green was lifted off his feet to dangle in the air, kicking and squirming, writhing and convulsing. His face began to turn a dark shade of reddish purple as Nile fastened the end of his harnesses to support his suspension. Green sputtered and spat, his feet kicking aimlessly at empty air. His hands flew to his neck, attempting to undo the buckles of belts but they were too deeply embedded in his skin. All he could do was fumble and scratch, fumble and scratch, as his eyes began to bulge from his skull.

Levi stood back and watched, feeling nauseous and satisfied at the same time. Nile stood at his side, stoic and unspeaking. They watched until Green’s legs stopped kicking and his arms fell limp at his sides.

“It’s done. Let’s go.” Nile’s voice was a monotone drawl, his face a blank canvas, unreadable and indecipherable. He turned and exited the cell, motioning for Levi to follow. He did, but not before once more turning his eyes on Green’s swinging and lifeless form. The sight was monstrous and horrific and deeply unsettling. But Levi felt satisfied to see it. 

After relocking the cell and mounting the stairs in silence, Nile finally spoke. “We’ll tell the higher ups he was like that when we found him. Doubtless, the thought of returning to the cells in the underground was enough to drive him to take his own life.” He met Levi’s eyes knowingly as they walked. “You understand?”

Levi nodded solemnly albeit wordlessly.

“It’s not what Erwin would have wanted,” Nile continued. “But he doesn’t have to know.”

“He won’t know,” Levi agreed.

Nile nodded. “But perhaps it will give him some sort of peace.” 

At the top of the stairs, Levi paused. “Thank you, Nile.”

Niles brown eyes widened in the darkness. “I didn’t do it for you. I did it for Erwin. When I saw what Green had done... when I saw what he had done to Erwin, I knew it wouldn’t be enough to send him back to the cell.”

“You’ve had this planned,” Levi searched Nile’s face for answers.

“And if I did?” Nile snapped. “You would have rushed in there without a plan. That type of reckless, careless behavior won’t help Erwin. It won’t keep him alive. Erwin needs to be protected, Levi. At all costs. You know that, don’t you? He’s our only hope. _Humanity’s_ only hope.” 

Levi knew the truth of those words. In his own way, Nile surely loved Erwin. What he had done, what he had planned, had been reckless and dangerous. If he had been found out, everything Nile had worked for might have been jeopardized. His position. His very life.

“So that’s what this was about? Protecting Erwin?” Levi retorted. 

“Of course. You know just as well as I that Green was never the type of man who would resign himself to a life in a cage. He escaped last time. He’d do the same this time as well.”

“You sure it wasn’t more personal than that? Not a desire for revenge?”

“Neither of us was there to protect him.You feel that same guilt. I know you do. And now, in this deed, we’re bound. In our struggle to protect Erwin Smith, we’re tied together. He can’t go on the battlefield, Levi. He can’t go on another expedition. You have to stop him. He won’t listen to me but he might listen to you.”

Levi sighed. He knew Erwin wouldn’t listen. There would be no convincing that man to stay behind when his mind was set on going. “I’ll try,” he said.

“It’s suicide for him to go outside the walls.”

“I know that.”

They eyed each other for a long moment, their bodies frozen and yet connected. The deed had been done, the crime had been committed. They would forever be united in the lie they would tell, the action they had taken to protect the man they both loved.

Levi turned to leave but Nile placed a solid hand on his shoulder. “You can’t speak of this to anyone. Give me your word.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed. “You think I’m an idiot?”

“Your _word_ , Levi.”

Levi sighed. “You have my word.”

Nile seemed to noticeably decompress, his body easing out of its rigidly held pose. “Good, then. This thing we’ve done, Levi. It could ruin us both.”

“It won’t,” Levi assured him. He had gotten what he had wanted. A painful end for the man who had caused Erwin such pain and distress. He hoped that Green’s last thoughts were regret for those actions he had taken, though he doubted a sociopath like Bernard Green was capable of such a thing.  

As he found his way back to the room in which he had left Erwin’s sleeping form, Levi’s mind was ill-at-ease. _They were all a slave to something. Even him._ Green had been a slave to his revenge. He had allowed his desire for vengeance to consume him and turn him into a monster. That desire, that dream, had eventually been his downfall.

Erwin was still fast asleep, where Levi had left him. The gentle and peaceful rise and fall of his chest called out to Levi, beckoning him with the promise of warmth and comfort that was purely Erwin.

It struck him then, all at once, like a bolt of lightning. He would do anything for this man. Anything. He would lie, steal, even kill. Without question. That was his dream. Erwin was his dream. Erwin alive and happy and at peace. Erwin realizing his dream. He was a slave to Erwin’s desires, to helping him to achieve his dreams.

Erwin stirred slightly as Levi crawled into bed, naked and trembling.

“Levi,” he murmured sleepily, wrapping Levi into the crook of his left arm. It wasn’t a question, rather a declaration of contentment. Levi snuggled closer, laying a kiss on the tip of Erwin’s nose as the larger man drifted back to sleep.

Watching the fluttering of Erwin’s eyelids and the parting of his lips, Levi felt complete. He wished this moment of peace could last forever. That they would never have to face the harsh realities of their world ever again. Outside this room, outside the walls, there was a darkness, a chaos, that threatened to consume them, that wanted so badly to tear them apart. So be it. They would walk into that darkness together. And together, they would conquer it.

_I’m yours forever, Erwin. I promise._

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging in there with me, friends!
> 
> Only about two more chapters to go!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song is Last Night on Earth by Delta Goodman!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...we all know how this story goes. I'm posting a "2 for the price of one" this weekend as Chapter 7 will be up momentarily. (It's like a bonus chapter...really short, you'll see). 
> 
> This is my missing scene between Erwin and Levi after Levi tells Erwin not to go on the expedition to reclaim Wall Maria. I feel like there had to be something else there. 
> 
> Hope you like!
> 
> Probably only one more chapter after these two. Hope you enjoy!

The coronation for Queen Historia Reiss was a decadent and pretentious affair, as Levi had expected it would be. The high-ranking officials of each regiment stood by the Queen’s side as she was introduced to the people as the new ruler within the walls.

Historia looked both beautiful and radiant as she accepted the crown and raised her right hand in a salute. The people loved her. And standing by her side with a smug expression of contentment on his face, was Commander Erwin Smith. Seeing him that way, beaming and proud, made everything seem worth it. 

Shortly after the coronation, Zakley, Pixis, and Erwin arranged a meeting to discuss the impending Survey Corps mission to retake Wall Maria. It was during this meeting that Erwin had surprised Levi by asking him, for the first time, if he would be willing to be responsible for the titan serum. Accepting would mean that Levi would be responsible for choosing which of his fallen comrades to bring back to life...and with only moments to spare, he would have to be quick and decisive. He wouldn’t have time to second guess his decision. 

Reluctantly, Levi had agreed. If Erwin wanted him to be cold and calculated when considering the lives of his fellow soldiers, fine. He could do that. 

But Nile’s words had rang hollowly in his head, a warning. 

_ He can’t go on the battlefield, Levi. He can’t go on another expedition. You have to stop him. He won’t listen to me but he might listen to you. It’s suicide for him to go outside the walls. _

Levi had tried to stop him. Had tried to convince him to stay behind and wait for the good news to come to him. In hindsight, perhaps threatening to break both his legs hadn’t been as fearsome a threat as he had thought it would be. Erwin had seen right through him, as he always did. 

And truth be told, Levi was furious. Furious at Erwin for his stubbornness and his unwillingness to accept the facts for what they were. Without his right arm, Erwin wasn’t able to maneuver in the same way as he had once been able. He wasn’t able to perform killing blows nor as easily able to fire flares. And though Levi was determined to make it his mission to protect Erwin, no matter the cost, there would be other obstacles in Shina, other matters that would inevitably need his direct attention. 

Erwin was being selfish. He was thinking only of himself. Of his desire to fulfill his father’s dream and learn the truth.  _ They were all a slave to something. Even him. _

Erwin’s dream, it seemed, mattered more to him than humanity, more than his life, more than Levi. He was willing to charge headlong into his own death if it meant even the slightest possibility of seeing his dream realized. Erwin himself had said so, his eyes glittering with anticipation. And Levi had bowed his head and accepted Erwin’s wishes. 

“Fine, Erwin. I’ll trust your judgement.”

The date to reclaim Wall Maria was set. The expedition would depart in only a few days time. But in the interim, Levi felt himself consumed with conflicting emotions. Since the coup and the redemption of the Survey Corps, the Scouts had seen an uptick of new recruits. Former members of the Military Police and the Garrison Regiment had requested transfer, seeking the glory and adventure that would surely accompany the reclamation of humanity’s territory. And yet, Levi couldn’t help but look at these new recruits and be filled with a burning sense of disdain. 

These children, these pampered brats had never even seen a titan. They had no idea of the horrors that awaited them outside the walls, in titan-infested territory. It wouldn’t be glory and adventure that met them with open and waiting arms. It would be bloodshed and death. Perhaps they would have success. God, he hoped they would have success. But they would see their friends and comrades fall. Of that, Levi was certain.

The night prior to their departure, there was an air about the corps. It was a cautious optimism so different from that which Levi had been experienced in expeditions prior. Faith had been restored. Excitement was more rampant and prevalent than fear. And they had Erwin Smith to thank for that. 

Even the sullen-faced Mikasa Ackerman wore a slight smile. Was it possible that after everything they had seen, everything they had faced, they too still dared to dream? Was it possible for someone like to Levi to be able to do the same? 

In the dim light of evening, as he was ambling back to his quarters, he overheard voices that stopped him in his tracks. He drew nearer, listening. It was the little blond, Armin Arlert, describing his dreams, describing a huge body of salt-water he called the “ocean. And hiding in the shadows, Levi allowed himself to dream as well. To dream of what life at the end of this world might look like. What it would look like for him and what it would look like for Erwin. What it might look like for them together. 

He faintly heard Eren playfully arguing with Armin, telling him that perhaps after everything, he would be able to prove that the “ocean” really existed. And Levi thought about Erwin. 

_ They were all a slave to something. Even him. _

Would Erwin like to see the “ocean”? Would the thought of a new and undiscovered world be enough to convince him to undertake a new dream, to fight to uncover a new truth? Levi doubted it. The man was stubborn.

He took a swig of the beer in his hand. Levi didn’t normally imbibe, but under the circumstances, he had joined in the festivities. The dull, dry taste sat heavily on his tongue before he forced himself to swallow it down. He wondered if, wherever he was, Erwin was doing the same. 

Once the brats had abandoned their midnight stroll for the comfort of their cots in the barracks, Levi rose from his place in the shadows and poured the rest of the beer in his cup down a nearby gutter.  He was sure Erwin was still in his office, poring over paperwork, stressing over the last minute details of their expedition. So, Levi headed back to the officer’s quarters, not sure yet whether or not he would seek Erwin’s company.

In the darkness of the corridors leading to his own room, Levi heard scuffling and giggling, the sounds of two people colluding in the shadows. He recognized those voices.  As he rounded the corner, he nearly jumped back in surprise, to see Moblit and Hange tangled together, their lips connected in a passionate embrace. Upon seeing Levi, they separated quickly, their faces marred by expressions of shock and embarrassment.

“Levi!” Hange sputtered, her cheeks flushed red. “Moblit and I were just...looking for…”

“I was just escorting the Squad Leader back to her office and she fell,” Moblit finished for her. Hange nodded in approval but Levi rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t give a shit what you’re doing. I just don’t want to see you doing it,” he snapped, the hint of an amused smirk pulling at his lips. 

Hange returned the smirk, and out of the corner of his eye, Levi caught a glimpse of her hand slipping into Moblit’s. As Levi watched them saunter away, he couldn’t help but feel a warmth flood his chest. Moblit had been in love with his Squad Leader for a long time. That much was plain. 

There was something about the magnetic electricity that coursed through the scouts the night before an expedition. It drew them together, pushed them apart. It caused them to do stupid things, to say stupid things. To admit secrets. To become bold. Levi felt it too. Tonight, he felt bold. 

The dim light of a flickering candle was aglow on the wall opposite Erwin’s office. The hallway was bathed in a warm orange light as Levi approached. But he was surprised to see that Erwin was not sitting behind his desk submerged in paperwork as he usually would be at this hour. No, instead, Erwin was seated on the edge of his desk, looking out his window into the darkness of the courtyard. He held a glass of amber-colored liquid in his left hand. 

“Eh, Erwin.” His voice startled Erwin, drawing those blue eyes to where he sulked in the doorway. 

“Levi. I wondered how much longer I would have to wait before enjoying the pleasure of your company.” The smirk that played over his handsome features caused a pang in Levi’s heart. 

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Commander,” he shot gruffly and Erwin chuckled. 

“You’re here now.” He turned his attention back to the window again and Levi bristled at the lack of attention. 

“The hell are you looking at?” he snapped. 

“The stars.” Levi felt chilled where he stood.  _ The stars.  _ Isabel and Furlan had always loved the stars. They stood as a reminder of how big the world was, how open and free. “I wonder, Levi. Do you think our comrades are up there looking down at us? Do you think they support our aims, that they root for us in spite of everything?”

There was a tingling in Levi’s fingertips and in his toes. Could it be from the alcohol? From the energy of being in Erwin’s presence the night before the expedition that would surely change everything? That buzzing, tingling energy shot up from his appendages to settle in his chest, in his mind, making him feel woozy and open. Bold. 

“They’re not there, Erwin. They’re gone. They’re nowhere.”

Erwin turned back to look at him, his eyes wide. “You don’t really believe that.”

Levi folded his arms over his chest in obstinacy. “What’s the point in believing it? It’s not bringing them back. They’re gone.”

Erwin sighed. “Gone. I don’t believe that. I can’t believe that. If they’re gone, then that means that at the end of all this, I won’t ever see them again. That once we’ve been separated, I won’t ever see you again…”

Levi swallowed hard. “Then don’t die,” he snapped, but in the dim light, he could see a glimmer of wetness lining Erwin’s eyes. 

“We both know it's not that simple, don’t we?”

Levi’s heart clenched in his chest. “It  _ is  _ that simple,” he snarled. “Stay here, Erwin. There’s no point in you putting yourself in danger.”

“We’re not discussing this again, Levi - !”

“We are! I’m not done discussing it!”

“I am!” Erwin’s voice was hard and unyielding, fierce and firm. But Levi wasn’t finished. Far from it.

“Erwin, please.” He felt his voice tremble, hated the weakness that crept out of his lips. “Please don’t do this. Don’t be stupid. The Corps needs you. I need you. I...I love you…”

The words fell from his mouth even as he attempted to swallow them back down. Though he had known he loved Erwin for a long time, years even, he had never said the words aloud. As Erwin’s wide eyes found his, the vulnerability was almost too much. He felt naked, exposed. But Erwin’s face was so soft, so open, he found he couldn’t take the words back. Even if he had wanted to, now he never could.

“What did you say?” Erwin stood, easing off the edge of the desk with slow and assertive movements. 

“You heard me,” Levi growled, his eyes narrowed in defiance. 

“I want to hear it again,” Erwin said as he drew nearer, pressing Levi’s body up against the doorframe. The fingers of his left hand traced the line of Levi’s jaw. “Say it again.”

Levi squirmed uncomfortably, unable to meet Erwin’s intense gaze. “I...I love you, old man.” 

Erwin’s lips were on his then, a torrid wave of passion that engulfed and consumed them both. “I love you. I love you, Levi,” Erwin gasped through kisses.

Though it seemed nearly impossible to do so, Levi forced himself to withdraw and pull away from Erwin’s passionate embrace. “Then stay here. If you love me, stay behind.” 

“Levi…”

“I know it’s selfish,” Levi spat. “I know that. But what have I ever asked from you? Really? I just want you to stay alive. Is that so much to ask?”

Erwin smiled but there was a sadness glittering behind his eyes. “Oh, Levi. I wish I could give you that one thing. But you know that I can’t. I can’t stay here. I’m the Commander. I need to be on the field with the men who have chosen to follow me.”

“Your men would understand if you stayed behind. Given the state you’re in…”

Erwin shook his head. “They wouldn’t. No man who is worth following would stay behind when called to lead.”

“But this isn’t about the men, is it?” Levi snapped. “It never was. It’s about that damn, foolish dream of yours! Admit it.”

Erwin studied him for a moment. Finally, he nodded in acquiescence, his eyes falling from Levi’s. “I have to know, Levi...I have to know...I’m consumed by how close we are, how far we’ve come.”

Levi’s heart stilled, even as Erwin reached out to him, brushing a stray strand of black hair back from his face. 

“Levi, I’m terrified. I’m torn between two callings. On one side, I’m pulled to know the truth. And on the other, I’m pulled to fulfilling my duty. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified that in pursuing my father’s dream, I’ll surrender my duty. I’ll betray all the lives we’ve lost to get to this point. You can’t let me do that, Levi. Do you understand?”

“Erwin, what the hell - ?”

“I need you to help me. If the time comes and I’m unwilling to give up my dream for my duty, I need you to help me...overcome it. I need you to make the choice. Can you do that for me?”

“What are you asking me, Erwin?” Levi couldn’t breathe. He felt nauseous. 

“If the time comes for me to die, to lay my life on the line for the Corps...I need you to help me make the choice. I need you to help me give up on my dream…”

“You’re asking me to help you die?” Levi growled. 

“There’s no one else I can ask. I’m tired, Levi. I’m so tired.”

Levi couldn’t take it. With both arms, he pushed Erwin away, forcefully thrusting his palms against Erwin’s chest. “No! Fuck you! You don’t get to be tired! You don’t get to ask me that!”

“Levi - !” 

“Fuck. You. Erwin. You chose this. You chose to...to make me love you. You don’t get to back out on me. You don’t get to choose to leave! And how dare you! How dare you ask me to choose to let you go!”

Erwin’s eyebrows rose as he watched Levi break in front of his eyes. His small body shook as he scowled at his Commander, hating him and loving him at the same time. As Erwin moved closer to envelope Levi in his arm, the smaller man fought him off with all the force and ferocity of which he was capable. 

“Levi, please. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to ask you this. But it has to be you. It’s horrible of me. It’s selfish. But it has to be you.”

Levi was filled with rage. With hurt. With resentment and betrayal. As he glared into the eyes of the man he loved, Levi felt lost as he never had before. After everything they had been through, after all the friends and comrades they had lost, Erwin had the audacity to ask this of him. To ask him to be the one to make that choice. 

“You can’t ask this of me. It’s not fair.”

“Nothing I’ve ever asked of you has been fair, Levi. None of it. This least of all, you’re right. But so much as I chose this life, you did as well. You chose to follow me, to give yourself to me. And this is what I need.”

“What you need…” Levi snarled. “What you need is to have your fucking head checked. I’m not playing this pathetic little game with you, Erwin. Not now. Not hours before the expedition departs.”

“Levi - !”

“No. Fuck you. I’m done.”

Levi turned to leave without looking back. As the door slammed behind him, he realized that perhaps he had been too hard, too callous and unkind. But it was an  _ unkind  _ thing that Erwin had asked of him. By helping Erwin to give up on his dream, Levi would be giving up on his own dream as well. He couldn’t imagine a world without Erwin in it. Didn’t want to. This world needed Erwin like it needed oxygen. Levi needed Erwin like he needed blades and fuel. He needed Erwin to survive in this cruel world. This cruel world that had already taken so much from him. 

It couldn’t have Erwin too. 

It was well past midnight when Levi began his ascent to the roofline. The same roof upon which he had sat and watched the stars with Isabel and Furlan the night before their first, and last, expedition. As he settled himself down, his gaze was directed up to those same stars. He felt all at once burdened and consumed by those stars, as if they were the eyes of his fallen comrades bearing down on him, questioning his motives with curiosity and inquisition. 

_ Big Brother. It’s been a long time.  _ He could almost hear Isabel’s voice. Could almost see her reaching out to him, feel her enveloping him in a bear-hug. 

_ You’ve changed, Levi.  _ He imagined Furlan smiling, nudging him with a gentle yet firm shoulder.  _ Look at you now. You’re a soldier. You’re a hero. We’re proud of you.  _

Levi shook his head. He wasn’t a hero. He was selfish. Beyond selfish. He would betray all of humanity if it meant keeping Erwin alive. He would even betray Erwin’s own wishes. Because none of that mattered in comparison to that man. That man who was like sustenance to him. 

Erwin had provided him with wings. Without Erwin, would he even be able to fly anymore?

_ Yer a real selfish little prick, ya know that, right?  _ He imagined Kenny grinning at him.  _ But I know that feeling. Yer a slave to that dream. We’re all a slave to somethin’. That don’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human.  _

Levi could imagine Mike and Nanaba. Maybe wherever they were, they were together. Maybe he had his arm around her. Maybe he was holding her close, pressing a kiss into her silver hair.  _ You love him, Levi. But Erwin needs you now. He needs you to help him make the choice he’s not strong enough to make. He needs you to do it because you’re strong. He trusts you to be strong.  _

Levi imagined Nanaba looking up at him, smiling gently as she leaned into Mike’s embrace.  _ We all made hard choices, Levi. Now it’s your turn. Make the choice and don’t regret it. Because no matter what choice you make, it’s yours. And it’s not wrong.  _

Levi placed his head in his hands as his friends disappeared around him, fading back into the recesses of his imagination. “Erwin, you big idiot…” he groaned, raking his fingers through his hair. “What am I supposed to do?”

He heard the sputtering of gears behind him and turned just in time to see Erwin staggering onto the roof, almost losing his footing as he landed. When their eyes met, Erwin smiled sheepishly. “I...thought I would find you up here.”

Levi shrugged, turning his back to Erwin once again. “You look like a fool trying to scale a building with one arm,” Levi spat as Erwin came to settle himself down beside him. 

“Not as graceful as I used to be, it’s true,” Erwin conceded. 

Silence enveloped them and Levi couldn’t help glancing over at Erwin. Those sparkling blue eyes were once again peering up at the stars, glittering in the shining, silver light. 

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin whispered after a long moment. “I truly am.”

Levi scowled, following Erwin’s gaze. They really were beautiful. The stars. The way they twinkling and blinked, beckoned and invited. “Do you really think they’re up there?” Levi asked, his voice caught in his throat. He felt silly, childish, stupid. But he couldn’t help himself. The question had escaped him before he had had a chance to stop it. 

Erwin grinned. “I do. Wherever they are, I think they’re at peace. No more war. No more titans. No more pain. I think...I wouldn’t mind it there. I would like to see them again. I’d like to see Mike and Nanaba...my father.” He sighed, glancing at Levi and slipping a hand under his chin to caress his cheek. “I feel so burdened, Levi. So depleted. I need a rest. I need a rest that sleep can’t fix.”

“You’re saying this like it’s already done. Like you’ve resigned yourself to death…”

“Have I not? I’m alive, but I’m not whole. I haven’t been whole for a long time. Pieces of me are gone forever. And my heart...my heart will always be with you.”

“Erwin…”

“I love you, my Levi. I’ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I’m sorry if in loving you, I’ve hurt you. Asked too much of you. That wasn’t ever my intention. If loving you was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, I still can’t regret it. Because it was the best thing I’ve ever done as well.”

Levi watched him with calculating eyes. “I’ll do it, Erwin. I’ll make the choice. But if it doesn’t come to that, then it doesn’t come to that. Understand? And if I decide that you survive, you survive.”

Erwin smiled. “Thank you, Levi.”

That night, Levi was determined to make love to Erwin as if he would never get that chance again. To caress and absorb every inch of him. To memorize him. To commit him to memory.

They fell into bed in Erwin’s quarters, much as they always did. But tonight was different. 

He was sure that Erwin was confused by his slow and steady hand. They were both unused to that pace. Their moments were usually so rushed, brief moments hidden in between meetings, planning, expeditions. But not tonight. He undressed himself slowly, while Erwin’s lust-blown eyes watched from where he lay upon the bed. Erwin’s left hand strayed to his own cock, caressing himself through the fabric of his pants. 

Seeing Erwin’s desire for him, seeing his Commander panting and wild with lust, was a rush for Levi. The air around them was charged with electricity as their eyes locked into one another’s.

“You’re so beautiful,” Erwin purred as Levi climbed on top of him, naked and fully aroused. Levi wanted to scoff and brush off the compliment, but Erwin’s fingers beneath his chin forced eye contact. Erwin was smiling as he brought their lips together. “I mean it. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Levi maintained eye contact as he slowly unbuttoned Erwin’s shirt and exposed the firm muscles underneath. His hands traced Erwin’s skin, falling over scars, grazing hard pink nipples as Erwin groaned in response. As Levi moved to unbuckling Erwin’s harnesses, he took extra care to caress Erwin’s hardening cock through his pants. 

“What’s gotten into you tonight?” Erwin whispered, his voice hoarse with desire as Levi peeled back his trousers. 

“I want you,” Levi muttered gruffly. He brought his lips to the inside of Erwin’s thigh, pressing heavy, hot kisses down his smooth, pale skin. 

Erwin’s legs trembled as Levi moved to slowly swallow down his cock. The flicking of Levi’s tongue over the head of Erwin’s member caused a low and guttural noise to escape Erwin’s lips. 

“Fuck...Levi,” Erwin moaned as Levi met his eyes, bobbing his head back and forth over the smooth skin of Erwin’s shaft. The fingers of Erwin’s hand found the top of Levi’s head, twining themselves with his hair. Erwin guided the pace and Levi relished the feel of Erwin’s hold, his assertive grip. He allowed himself to move with Erwin’s movements, to be commanded, directed, controlled. 

After several slow and steady pumps with his mouth, Levi rose to climb Erwin’s writhing body, to lay a trail of kisses in his wake, before finally pressing a deep kiss onto Erwin’s lips. He licked at Erwin’s lips, toying with his tongue inside his open mouth. Erwin sighed into the kiss, nibbling in Levi’s bottom lip. All the while, his hand ran down the sharp planes of Levi’s naked back, sprinkling goosebumps on his skin. 

He melted into that touch, forced himself to feel Erwin as he never had before. As he straddled Erwin’s hips, he pressed their hardened cocks together, grasping them both in his fist and pumping down in a slow and steady repetition. 

Erwin’s eyes were on him, watching him, as if he was absorbing every inch of his naked body. It was an intimate and open expression that painted his face and Levi felt exposed and vulnerable within that deep blue gaze. But he didn’t look away. As they moved together, Erwin’s hand found Levi’s hip, holding onto him as if he was afraid of letting go. 

Erwin was slipping, his fingers clawing desperately into Levi’s flesh. “Come here,” he whispered gruffly. “Come here.”

He grasped at Levi’s hair and pulled Levi’s  face down to meet his own, kissing him passionately and desperately as if he couldn’t get enough. He kissed Levi until they were both breathless, their lips red and swollen from the contact.

“I love you,” Levi whispered when they finally pulled away. 

The flush of Erwin’s cheeks and the smile that lit Erwin’s face was more than Levi could have asked for. In that moment, he regretted that he hadn’t said the words before. Those three simple words that seemed to bring Erwin so much joy. He regretted that he hadn’t said them every day, that he hadn’t returned them when they had first been said to him. 

“I’ve known for a long time,” Erwin said, his voice low. “But hearing you say it...takes my breath away.”

Levi flushed. “I’m an idiot,” he snarled. “I should have said it so much sooner. I should have said it every fucking day.”

“You did,” Erwin said, stroking Levi’s cheek. “You said it through your trust and your devotion. You said it when you questioned the actions that seemed wrong to you, when you fought for what you was right. You said it when you stood by my side, even when I didn’t deserve your support. You might not have said it with words, Levi. But you said it.”

Their lips again crashed together, if only to hide the tears that had crept into the corners of Levi’s eyes. He kissed down the sides of Erwin’s face, to his sharp jawline and across the smooth planes of his neck. He sucked hard, sure he would leave a mark. But at that moment, he didn’t care. And judging from the moans of approval emanating from Erwin’s open mouth, Erwin didn’t either.

Erwin’s hips began to writhe beneath Levi, jutting up against Levi’s groin. He was growing impatient, Levi could tell. Levi knew the interior of Erwin’s private quarters well, knew there would be a vial of oil laying in wait in the top drawer of Erwin’s night stand. 

Without moving from Erwin’s lap, Levi leaned over, to seamlessly withdraw the vial with one hand and uncork it with the other. 

“Give me your hand,” he said to Erwin, before pouring a bit of the oil into his palm. 

As Erwin slipped inside him with two fingers splayed, Levi moaned and pressed down onto him, forcing his digits deep inside. With trembling hands, he coated two of his own fingers and brought them gently to press against Erwin’s opening, dipping in ever so slightly, and caressing in a swirling, circular motion.

“Is this ok?” he asked and Erwin swallowed hard before nodding.

“Yes. God, yes. Please.”

It was a show of his complete trust in Levi, that after such a horrible thing has been done to him, Erwin would still open himself to the man he loved. Levi took Erwin’s lips in his own once more before slipping first one finger and then two inside Erwin. 

“Levi,” Erwin’s voice was a low and heady growl from deep in his throat. “I want you inside me. I want to feel you inside me.”

Levi studied him closely, his silver eyes searching Erwin’s flushed face. “Are you sure?”

“Please,” Erwin moaned, grasping desperately at Levi’s hip. His fingers dig into the flesh of Levi’s ass, squeezing the taut muscles under his skin. “Please. Yes. I trust you. I want you.”

“Only when you’re ready,” Levi hummed, bringing his mouth close to Erwin’s ear. To his delight, Erwin shuddered hard in anticipation, his eyes rolling back as he nodded.

After substantial, and perhaps unnecessary preparation, Levi lined himself between Erwin’s legs and pressed his cock into Erwin’s opening.  Slowly, delicately, gently, his member dragged inside Erwin. He could feel the tightness, the warmth, enveloping him and consuming him as Erwin clenched around him and moaned beneath him. “Are you ok? Is this - ?” He stopped abruptly to see Erwin smirking, chuckling. 

“What’s so funny?” he snapped as a flush rose to his cheeks.

“It’s almost like...that first night. The first time we made love. Do you remember? I wanted so badly to coddle you, to ensure you were enjoying yourself...But I’m not made of glass either, Levi. So, fuck me. Like you mean it. Like you might not get another chance.”

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi whined as Erwin clenched around him, as Erwin’s fingers dug into his ass. 

“Faster,” Erwin moaned and Levi began to rock forward as Erwin’s hips met his groin to push him further, deeper inside. 

“Levi, please.” Tears were beginning to pool in the deep blue of Erwin’s eyes. “Please. Harder. Faster. I want you to come inside me. I want to feel you come inside me.”

Levi’s breath was heavy, catching in his throat as sweat pooled on his brow. The sight of Erwin writhing underneath him, moaning in pleasure, moaning his name, it was almost enough to bring him to the edge. As he continued to thrust, faster and faster, he felt his orgasm building, crashing over him like a wave. He cried out and buried his mouth in the crook of Erwin’s neck, biting down to stifle the scream that threatened to escape his lips. 

He so badly wanted to take a moment and absorb the weight of his own pleasure, but he was determined. Tonight wasn’t about him. He eased himself slowly out of Erwin, and without a word, lifted himself up and sidled himself down over Erwin’s desperately aching cock. He hadn’t been fully prepared and the drag of Erwin’s member inside him burned in the best way. It was a good pain, a pain that reminded him that he was alive. That Erwin was alive. That they were alive together. 

Erwin cried out, bucking his hips hard while Levi rode him. “Fuck. Fuck.” Erwin’s voice was hoarse, low, guttural, almost feral. Levi knew he had been close earlier. It wouldn’t take long. 

But Levi wanted to feel Erwin inside him. Wanted to feel Erwin come inside him. 

“Fuck, Levi...I’m going to - !”

“Come, I want you to.”

Erwin’s nails ran down Levi’s back, laying a trail of red welts in their wake. His open-mouthed groan of pleasure rippled through him as he succumbed to his own climax, gripping a handful of Levi’s ass in his fingers.

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” Erwin purred as Levi flopped down beside him and wrapped himself in the fold of Erwin’s left arm. 

“I love you too, old man. I’ll always love you.”

Erwin smiled and gazed up at the ceiling, a look of pleasure and contentment having washed over his masculine features. Levi could see he was lost in thought, and for a moment, he was afraid to ask, afraid to know the contents of that beautiful mess of a mind. 

But how many moments did they have left? When all the moments were gone, would he have wished he would have asked?

“The hell are you thinking about, Erwin?”

Erwin turned those startlingly blue eyes back on Levi and with a smile, he said, “You.”

Levi shook his head with a gruff laugh. “Me?”

Erwin nodded. “You. How you’ve changed. How you’ve changed me. I wonder...do you believe in fate, Levi  _ Ackerman?” _

“What like...that this life and all our actions are predetermined?” Levi raised an eyebrow.

“More like...that the people with whom we come into contact...that we were always supposed to have met them. That we met for a reason. That we’ll always be bound to them...in a way...even after we’re gone?”

Levi studied the man beside him with wide silver eyes. “What are you talking about, Erwin?”

“I think...I was always supposed to have met you. That we found each other for a reason. That we’ll always find each other. In this life or in another. You’ve changed me, Levi. Fundamentally. To my core. I’ll always be thankful for that. And I’ll always be yours.”

That night, with Erwin fast asleep in his arms, Levi thought about fate. About Erwin. About the end of the world. He didn’t sleep. He didn’t dream. He just held Erwin close, relished the feeling of the man he loved in his arms. Held onto him as if he might never get the chance again. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really smutty, really angsty. Hope it made sense. :)
> 
> Comments are appreciated! Love you all!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, really short bonus chapter! Yay! 
> 
> Chapter 8 will probably be the end but I couldn't resist having one more Erwin chapter!
> 
> Chapter song is Sew My Name by Josh Pyke!

Erwin had known this expedition would be his last. He had known it for quite some time. He’d hidden that knowledge from Levi for as long as possible, knowing that it would only cause him pain.  

That was Erwin’s only regret. He wished he hadn’t had to cause Levi any pain. 

It had all gone to hell, and fast. He had known his plans were falling apart around him as soon as the Beast Titan had appeared. As soon as it had begun flinging rocks the size of boulders, smashing buildings and tearing scouts down where they stood. 

The terrified recruits had mewled like babes, fallen to the ground and begun to weep. And for a moment, for the briefest of moments, Erwin had thought of deserting. Of going off on his own, leaving them all behind, and finding that basement. Finding the truth.

It was a foolhardy thought. A selfish thought. An inclination into the true monster he had allowed himself to become. He was a villain. He watched Levi forcefully tugging one of the newest Garrison recruits to his feet...Floch, was it?  The men were terrified. And Erwin knew. He couldn’t leave them. He couldn’t leave Levi. 

But, he had so badly wanted to see that basement. That damn basement that he knew held all the answers. He wanted to be there. With Levi. With Hange. With Eren and the rest of the Corps. He wanted to be the one to open the door. To see the truth with his own two eyes.

But giving up on that dream...laying it to rest...it was a sweet relief. A relief he could never have anticipated. All of a sudden, he was unburdened. Light. Free. 

Erwin could see them. All of his comrades, gathered around, watching with blank faces and dead eyes. All of the people that had sacrificed their lives to get to this point. If he didn’t give his as well, would it all be in vain?

There was only one way to get past the Beast and his barrage of titan slaves. He would have to lead a suicide charge, distracting the Beast while Levi moved in to deliver the killing blow. The recruits wouldn’t make the charge unless Erwin was heading it. He knew that much. He would have to be at the front of the line. He would have to be the first to die. 

“I’m making the choice. Give up on your dream and die for us. Lead those recruits straight into Hell. And I’ll take down the Beast Titan.”

Beautiful Levi. Strong Levi. Selfless Levi. Erwin had seen it in his eyes. The anguish he was experiencing as he said those words. Erwin had never deserved the love of this man. And yet, Levi gave it so freely. So willingly. Erwin relished that love. Cherished it. Was indescribably grateful for it. 

When Levi said those words, Erwin felt a sense of peace and calm wash over him. He was no longer afraid. He was determined. Levi had decided it. Erwin would meet his duty head on. He would not betray his station. He would die for humanity. He would die without realizing his dream. 

“Levi. Thank you.” The words caught in his throat as a wave of emotion consumed him. 

Levi was on his knees, peering up at Erwin with hooded gray eyes. In another scenario, in another setting, this stance might have sent bolts of electric arousal through Erwin’s body. But today, on the battlefield, with rocks and boulders raining down on them, everything was different. Nothing would ever be the same.  Erwin’s heart nearly broke seeing Levi’s eyes so filled with pain. This was perhaps the most selfless thing Levi had ever done. The worst thing Erwin had ever asked of him. It was cruel, he knew. But necessary. He had forced Levi to make the choice he himself could not make, and in doing so, he had hurt Levi irrevocably. It was a wound Levi might never recover from. If the circumstances had been reversed, Erwin wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to heal. If he would ever be able to forgive. 

He only hoped Levi would one day come to forgive him.

“I love you,” Erwin whispered, placing his left hand on Levi’s cheek. For a moment, he half expected Levi to pull away, to dismiss him. Instead though, Levi leaned into Erwin’s hand, closing his eyes. He turned to lay a delicate kiss on the inside of Erwin’s palm. 

“I love you, old man.”

He rose slowly, wearily, as if his bones were made of lead. As he leaned in to Erwin, Levi grasped the sides of Erwin’s face in his hands and pressed a kiss to Erwin’s lips. “I’ll always love you,” he whispered. 

Erwin smiled. He knew the truth of those words. They were bound together for eternity. Levi’s hold on him was like a tie, a tether, an unbreakable connection. They would find each other. Whether in this life or the next. They couldn’t be kept apart. 

Armed with that knowledge, Erwin was no longer afraid to die. Though he would die, Levi would live. Levi would live and discover the the truth and in that way, Erwin’s dream would live on. It would live on inside Levi, who he knew would protect it, nurture it, foster it, allow it to grow. 

In that moment, Erwin knew. He had never loved anything or anyone as he loved Levi. Levi  _ Ackerman.  _ Levi was the manifestation of all his hopes and his dreams. Everything he had ever wanted for himself and for humanity. Levi had made him strong. He only wished he had more time. 

As they relayed their plan to the recruits, they were met with stunned eyes and wails of fear. Floch looked the part of a stubborn and willful child on the way to meet a horrible punishment, and one he did not deserve. It was only at the realization that their Commander would lead the charge that acquiescence rippled through the ranks. They were going to die. But they would die with their leader at the helm. 

Perhaps in some way, he brought them hope. Perhaps he brought them calm. Perhaps dying with Erwin Smith at their side, they felt less afraid. Whatever bridge they would cross when they met their end, they would cross it together. 

Before Erwin mounted his horse, he did the unthinkable, something he would never before have dared to do. He reached out, grabbed Levi’s hand, and pulled his Captain into a passionate embrace, wrapping his fingers into that thick black hair. Levi didn’t pull away. Despite the eyes on them, despite the shocked expression of the recruits, Levi didn’t pull away. He returned the embrace with fire and heat, both hands wrapped firmly around Erwin’s neck.

They fell apart breathless and filled with adrenaline. 

“I won’t fail you, Erwin,” Levi said softly. “I promise.”

Erwin smiled. “You never have.”

Charging headlong to his own certain death was not as terrifying as Erwin had once thought it would be. With the recruits at his back, Erwin felt strong, empowered, free. 

The last thing he saw was Levi. Before his world went black, before he felt himself knocked from consciousness and into oblivion, he saw Levi gliding over the horizon like a magnificent and beautiful bird of prey. He remembered that day in the underground. The first day he had ever seen Levi fly. He remembered the exact moment he had fallen in love with him. 

He remembered those eyes, those rage-filled, silver eyes, only moments after the deaths of Isabel and Furlan. 

He remembered the pain, the anguish on that face, receiving their patches in Erwin’s office.

He remembered holding Levi’s broken and bleeding body, fearing he might lose him forever. 

And he remembered seeing him heal, feeling enthralled and mystified at those abilities. Wanting to be ever closer to him. 

He remembered their first kiss.

He remembered the static electricity that ran through his body every time they touched. 

He remembered all the moments. All the moments that connected them, that carved their mark into his heart. Into his soul. 

He remembered Levi telling him that he loved him. He remembered the sound of Levi moaning his name in pleasure. 

_ I love you, old man.  _

In only the briefest of moments, Erwin remembered it all. Every moment. And in only the briefest of moments, he fell in love with Levi all over again. 

He wished he had another lifetime to give. But, he imagined than any lifetime with Levi would never truly be long enough. So, he would take what he had been given, thankful for every moment. 

_ I love you, my Levi,  _ he thought as his world went black. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eruri is canon...I wrote this chapter and the last chapter to help make sense of my grief. To make sense of Levi's and Erwin's choices. I needed to sort through some stuff in my head to make it all make sense. 
> 
> Hope you can see it! And hope you're all feeling extra angsty now. I know I am. 
> 
> It's only gonna get worse from here. :(


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter of Dangerous Games. Last Chapter of the Beautiful Mess series. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks so much to those of you who stuck with me to the end. Hope I did our lovelies justice.
> 
> The saddest song but most perfect song for Eruri feels: I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.

He was gone. 

Erwin Smith was gone. And Levi had been the one to make the choice to let him go. 

It had been a difficult choice. The most difficult one Levi had ever had to make. But at the end of it all, he had to ensure it was the one choice he wouldn’t regret. Erwin needed rest. He needed reprieve. He needed peace from this cruel, evil, chaotic mess of a world. He  _ deserved  _ those things. And Levi’s selfish desires had almost kept them from him. 

Because Levi didn’t want to live in a world without Erwin. A world without Erwin would surely be dark, cold, devoid of all life. Devoid of all hope. It was for selfish reasons that Levi had rolled the sleeve of Erwin’s left arm, had prepared to plunge the needle into that perfectly porcelain skin. 

It was selfish. But, Levi wanted to be selfish. And dammit, didn’t he deserve to be selfish? For once in his life, wasn’t a moment of selfishness  _ owed  _ to him?

The brats had sobbed. Sobbed and bawled like children. Fuck, they  _ were  _ children. They had cried for Armin. They had begged. They had resorted to violence and insubordination to get their way. And still, Levi had won. Levi had been given the responsibility for the titan serum. The choice had been his and his alone. And he had decided that the serum would go to Erwin. 

“Captain,” Eren had choked out, his face covered in snot and tears and blood. “Have you ever heard of the ocean?”

Levi had stilled, turning cold gray eyes on Eren. Armin’s dream. Armin’s dream of seeing the ocean. 

_ Give up on your dream and die for us.  _

Erwin had made the choice to give up on his dream for the sake of his duty. He wasn’t a monster. He wasn’t the devil. He was a man. A beautiful mess of a man who had made the most difficult choice: he had chosen his duty over his dream. And his reward for doing such an honorable thing...was rest. A rest free from pain, free from politics, free from titans. 

How could Levi selfishly take that reward from him? How could he do that, when he knew that rest was what Erwin had longed for? How could he bring that beautiful man back into this world that so wanted to destroy him, to break him down, to pin the title of “devil” over his head?

Sitting on the rooftop, with Erwin’s barely breathing body beside him, Levi had mourned. He had placed his lips to Erwin’s and allowed tears to fall. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he had whispered over and over. He had pressed his forehead to Erwin’s, had run his fingers through Erwin’s soiled blond hair. He had caressed Erwin’s lips, his eyelids, his nose. Had done his best to commit those features to memory, to promise never to forget. 

Hange had been furious with him. He had seen it in the expression of horror and shock that had flashed across her face when Armin’s form had revealed itself in place of Erwin’s. She had whirled on Levi with fury in her uninjured eye. 

“How could you....?” Her face registered pain, but Levi was determined to take that pain on his shoulders, to absorb it into his heart. It had been his decision. He would have to live with it. 

To Hange, he was sure, it had felt like a betrayal. Hange, who had lost Moblit, who had just lost the opportunity to kill Reiner. Hange, who had not had the ability to make the choice. 

“You’ve doomed us,” she had growled quietly at Levi. He had understood her anger. Perhaps he  _ had  _ doomed them. But without Erwin, he hadn’t been able to find it in his heart to care. He had looked back at her with impassive, blank eyes, and had said nothing. 

She had no idea what he had lost. What he had given up. None of them could possibly know his sacrifice. He didn’t find the need to explain himself to them. 

But to Erwin...to Erwin’s memory, he did owe an explanation. He had failed Erwin. He had failed to keep his promise. He hadn’t killed the Beast Titan. Erwin had died for nothing. He had given up on his dream only for Levi to fail. When next he was given the opportunity, Levi would not fail. He would live to fulfil his promise. To prove that Erwin’s sacrifice had not been in vain. 

Leaving Erwin behind had been one of the most difficult things Levi had ever had to do. They had left his body in the still well-preserved remains of a home in Shinganshina. Levi had lain him on the bed in one of the upstairs bedrooms, had gathered flowers and placed them in a vase on the nearby nightstand. And then, out of necessity, they had left him there. Without horses, they simply hadn’t had the ability to bring him back. So there Erwin’s body still lay, left alone to rot and moulder in the remains of Shinganshina. In the aftermath of the battle that had stolen his life. 

The world inside the walls was now forever changed. Erwin was everywhere and nowhere. Remnants of the life they had shared were scattered all around. The reminders haunted Levi, tormented him, consumed him, swallowed him up. He ached for Erwin. Longed for him. Missed him more than words could describe.

And though the Commander’s quarters were now Hange’s, no one dared step foot into the grim remains of Erwin’s office. Not even Levi. It stood as a bleak reminder of what he had lost. So he avoided even walking down those hallways that might bring him into direct contact with it. As if out of reverence and respect, Hange too avoided those haunted halls, choosing instead to work from her own office.  

Only a day or two after their return, Zakley sent word, requesting a meeting with Levi and the newly appointed Commander, Hange Zoe, to discuss the current state of affairs and the knowledge they had acquired. The carriage ride to Mitras was a long and silent one. An uncomfortable one. Hange had barely met his eyes in recent days and avoided talking to him unless the circumstances required it.  She was in mourning, Levi knew. And she blamed Levi for a portion of her grief. 

In Mitras, Zakley, Pixis and Nile met them on the steps of the MP headquarters with looks of pity painted like masks on their faces. Nile, though was cold, hard, angry. He refused to meet Levi’s eyes. Even throughout the walk to the drawing room. Even throughout the pleasantries that were exchanged prior to the commencement of the meeting. Nile stared at Levi down the bridge of his nose with obvious hatred and disdain plastered on his features. 

Levi fluctuated in and out of the conversation around him. Hange was discussing what they had learned, what they planned to do with their new knowledge. It was only when Zakley’s voice cut through the banter and addressed Levi directly, that Levi’s eyes rose to meet the questioning looks of those around them. 

“I’m told you were the one to make the choice, Levi. To give the titan serum to Armin Arlert rather than to Commander Smith.”

Their eyes were so cold, so angry. There were questions in those eyes and there was also resentment. 

“Yes,” Levi snapped. “I made the choice.”

“Did you make the choice you thought was best for humanity, then?”

How could Levi respond? He hadn’t made the choice that was best for humanity. He had made the choice that was best for Erwin. He had made the choice Erwin had wanted him to make. 

“I made the choice I would regret the least,” he said with a note of finality, but Nile’s eyes narrowed where he sat. 

“You don’t regret abandoning your Commander in his hour of need? You don’t regret taking away humanity’s only hope of survival?” His voice was low and dangerous. Levi didn’t blame Nile for the hate he directed in Levi’s direction. Had the situation been reversed, he was sure he would feel the same. 

Before he could make a move to speak, Hange’s voice rang out, cutting through the tension. “Erwin was not humanity’s only hope. He was an asset, it’s true. But I’m the Commander now. And I won’t have anyone questioning the decisions of my Officers. Armin Arlert is a great mind, much as Erwin was. And the information we have gleaned from the expedition will only make us stronger, only unite us further. Captain Levi made the choice he felt was right. And it was Erwin himself who trusted him to make that choice. It’s the choice we’re left with. So we need to focus on the task at hand and use what we have left.”

Silence. Levi froze, his eyes wide. These were the first words Hange had uttered in his defense since Erwin’s death. He noticed her hands trembling at her sides as she assessed Nile with her unbandaged eye. “If you don’t have anything productive to contribute, Commander Dok, I’ll ask that you excuse yourself from our council.” 

Nile stiffened, his thin brown brows raised in shock. His mouth gaped open and closed like that of a fish out of water, as he attempted to form a rebuttal, but Zakley’s booming laugh cut off his sputtering reply. 

“The new Commander takes charge! I love it! Commander Hange, I agree! Let’s continue to focus on the future! That’s what Erwin would have wanted us to do, isn’t it?”

The rest of the conversation continued without any interruption, but still, Levi was aware of Nile’s sharp eyes glaring daggers into him. Levi knew he hadn’t heard the end of it. As the meeting ended and the others filed out, Nile grabbed a hold of Levi’s arms with a firm grip. 

“Wait a minute, will you?” he snarled in a near whisper. Levi’s hackles rose immediately, but he forced himself to remain calm. 

When they were alone, Nile whirled on him with all the force of his fury, both hands outstretched to grasp at the collar of Levi’s jacket. “You want to tell me what you were thinking, you pathetic runt? Was this your plan all along? After all these years? To fucking kill Erwin? He trusted you! The Scouts trusted you!  _ I  _ trusted you!”

Levi didn’t pull away, though his every instinct screamed out to fight back, to wrench an elbow into Nile’s long nose and be done with it. Instead though, he met those cold brown eyes, allowing himself to be held in suspension.

“Explain yourself, you piece of shit! Why? Tell me why!” Tears were forming in Nile’s eyes. Still, Levi said nothing. 

“How...how could you do that? How could you allow him to die like that? How are we supposed to go on without him? How could you take him from us? From me?” Tears were beginning to fall from Nile’s eyes. Angry tears that seemed to infuriate him even more. 

“I thought I could trust you....I thought you knew how special he was...I thought you loved him…I thought you loved him…”

Finally, Nile released his hold on Levi’s collar, dropping his hands at his sides. His head fell to his chest as Levi finally found his voice. 

“I did. I still do. I always will.”

Nile’s eyes rose, bloodshot and filled with tears. “Then...why? Why after everything? Why would you...let him die?”

“I made my choice  _ because  _ I loved him. I made the choice that was right. And believe me, it kills me everyday. I...miss him everyday.”

“Erwin...made this world better. All he wanted was to make this world better…” Nile’s voice was choked with a sob that wracked his frame. Levi’s heart clenched watching him squirm, in obvious pain. 

“Erwin was a slave to something bigger than all of this. It was exhausting him, killing him slowly. He didn’t know how to defeat it. So he...asked me to help. I made my choice...to free Erwin. To finally allow him to rest.” Levi wanted to fall apart, to break to pieces, to dissolve into ash and disappear. 

“A slave?” Nile’s voice was harsh, questioning. 

“His father’s dream was consuming him. It would have eaten him alive, forced him to abandon his duty. Whatever we found in that basement, it would never have been enough to satiate his hunger. None of this...none of us would have ever been enough.”

“So...you think that gave you the right to kill him?”

Levi narrowed his eyes, his heart on fire with his own grief. And anger at Nile’s petty words. “You think I wanted this?” he hissed. “You think I’m happy to live in this fucking mess of a world without Erwin Smith?”

“That’s what you wanted in the underground, isn’t it? That’s why you joined the scouts in the first place, isn’t it?”

“Fuck you, Nile!”

“Well, isn’t it?” Nile was shaking, tears still rimming his eyes. 

“I gave Erwin everything. I followed every order he ever gave me. I loved him. I trusted him completely. I would have given my life for his if he had asked it.”

“And yet here we are.” Nile spat. “He’s gone. And you’re still here to tell the tale.”

Levi’s fists clenched involuntarily. “Yes. I’m still here. And here I will remain until I fulfill the promise I made him.”

“What promise?” Nile shot. 

Levi straightened, his eyes narrowed in determination. “I’m going to kill the Beast Titan. If I have to go to the ends of the world to do it, I will. If I have to sacrifice everything. If I have to give my own life. I will.”

Nile wiped his eyes on his sleeve, pulling himself upright, stranding straight and tall. “For Erwin’s memory, I hope you keep your promise.”

Levi eyed him suspiciously. “I  _ will _ .”

Nile moved past him, heading toward the door. As he did so, Levi reached out, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know that you cared about Erwin, Nile. For your loss, I’m sorry.”

Nile paused with his back to Levi and for a moment, his shoulders seemed to tremble. “You’ll never know the depths of my love for that man. He was my best friend. I won’t ever forgive you.”

A chill shot through Levi’s spine. “I don’t expect you to. I made the choice. I’ll live with the consequences.”

“And so will the rest of us,” Nile whispered, pulling away and heading out the door. 

Alone, Levi bowed his head as silent tears trickled down his face.

 

* * *

 

That night, Queen Historia joined them for dinner. Her beautiful face shone with a sadness, a sympathy, as she greeted them like old friends. 

“I’m so sorry to hear about Commander Erwin,” she said as they all took their places in her dining room. “I wanted to speak with the two of you in particular...Captain Levi, Commander Hange. I was thinking it would be pertinent to hold a memorial service in Commander Erwin’s honor. What do you think?”

Levi stilled. “With all due respect, your Majesty, Erwin was not the only one who died in Shinganshina.”

She nodded. “Yes, of course. We could memorialize them all. But I think a special tribute to Erwin would be well-received. The people recognize that it was due to the mind of Erwin Smith that we were able to reclaim the Wall.”

Levi shifted in his seat, uncomfortable at the thought. “The same people who called for his execution on the gallows only weeks prior?”

Historia smirked. “The same ones, yes. The people are fickle, Captain Levi. Surely you know that. You who they call ‘Humanity's Strongest Soldier.’  They want to mourn the Commander, same as you, same as the other Scouts. Will you deny them that right?”

_ Yes,  _ Levi wanted to say.  _ Yes. I deny them it. Because they don't deserve to mourn him. They don’t deserve to remember him as he was.  _

“I think it’s a good idea,” Hange spoke up. “Let’s keep their spirits up and their support firmly behind the Corps. God knows we need it.”

Levi dissolved into silence, barely eating. He picked at the food that was placed in front of him, his mind twisting and turning with images of Erwin. Erwin in the capital, gathering support among the nobles. Erwin roaming among the people. The face Erwin showed the world - the Commander Mask he donned for everyone else...everyone but Levi. 

_ Erwin, I wish you were here. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish I could follow your lead. Nothing makes sense without you.  _

 

* * *

  
Levi expected another awkwardly silent carriage ride home to Trost. He expected to stare out the window without a word spoken to him, to feel the thickness of the tension between himself and Hange that had yet to dissipate. 

He was wrong. 

As Hange seated herself across from him, Levi could sense there was a difference in her posture. She seemed less stoic, less angry and more...tired. The proceedings of their visit, of her new station, seemed to have taken their toll on her, to have broken her down. She slumped into the seat with a heavy sigh and put her head in her hands. Levi watched her with unassuming eyes, unsure of how to proceed. 

The carriage jutted forward with a rocking motion that signaled their departure. The silence was only interrupted by the clamoring of the horses’ hooves and the spinning of the carriage wheels on the pavement. Finally, Hange’s voice joined the cacophony. 

“That was...harder than I expected,” she said, her head still hanging against her chest. She hadn’t yet turned to look at him as she brought her arms over her chest in a tight hold.

“You did well,” Levi said quietly, unsure of what to say. She chuckled lightly. 

“Thank you, Levi.” Finally, after a moment, she looked up at him with a sad smile on her lips. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not the Commander. I’m just...me. I don’t know how to lead the Scouts, how to gain funding, how to direct our efforts. Why would Erwin...why would he think that I’m the best choice to lead us?”

“Because you are the best choice, Hange.” Levi hoped his voice was firm, strong. He hoped it brought her some semblance of peace. But she just shook her head and sniffled. 

“I’m lost, Levi. I’m lost without them. Without him…”

_ Erwin.  _ Levi’s stomach clenched where he sat. “Me too,” he admitted. 

“I was so mad at you,” Hange continued. “I didn’t understand. I thought you were being cold and callous. I couldn’t make sense of it. But now I see...you...you’re in more pain than any of the rest of us, aren’t you?”

Levi didn’t deny it. He turned his eyes away to stare out the window, needing to break the intensity of her stare. 

“I’ll admit it. I still don’t really understand why you made the choice you did. Maybe I never will. But I know you loved Erwin. So I have to assume you made the choice that was the best for...for him. Even if it wasn’t best for the rest of us. Even if it wasn’t best for you.”

Levi met her gaze then, to see fresh tears dripping from the corner of her remaining eye. “We’ll get through this, Levi,” she whispered, reaching out to take his hand in her own. “We’ll get through it together. And when it's all over, we’ll see them all again.”

Levi smirked. “Didn’t take you for the spiritual type…”

“Me neither. But I guess...I just need to be able to hope. To keep going. To keep fighting.” A tear ran down her cheek and without being able to stop himself, Levi leaned in and wiped it away. To his surprise, she leaned into his touch, her head falling against his hand. She closed her eyes then, as she brought her hand up to clasp over his, to hold it to her cheek. 

“I can’t lose you too,” she whispered. 

Levi moved from his seat across from Hange’s huddled form, to sit down next to her and wrap her in his arms. He was surprised by his own actions, but perhaps in a way, they both needed th connection, the touch, the comfort. 

“You won’t,” he said, wishing it was the truth, but knowing it was a promise he couldn’t keep. Not when his soul cried out so longingly to meet Erwin...wherever he was. 

 

* * *

 

That night, he dreamed of Erwin, for the first time in weeks. 

The sky was dark and he could barely make out his surroundings. He didn’t think he was inside the walls. The air was too open, too fresh and the ground too green. A thick fog skirted the floor in his path but despite his inability to see, Levi pushed forward, sure there was something beyond the mist. Something important. 

_ Levi.  _ He knew that voice. He would have recognized it anywhere, in any life. 

_ Levi. I’ve missed you.  _

Erwin. Levi could make out his form moving through the mist with arms...both arms...outstretched. Levi ran. He couldn’t help himself. With the full force of his body, he leapt at Erwin, crashing against him, pressing his lips to Erwin’s. They felt  _ real _ . So real. So real, it hurt. Tears sprang to his eyes. This couldn’t be real. Erwin wasn’t here. Erwin was...dead. 

But those arms that circled around his back, that held him close...they felt so real. He could barely breathe as he allowed sobs to wrack his body. He fell to his knees, clutching at the fabric of Erwin’s perfectly unstained uniform. Erwin followed him down, holding him, purring softly in his ear.  _ It’s ok. It’s ok. I’m here. I’m here, my Levi.  _

He hated that he couldn’t catch his breath. All the weeks of tirelessly toiling, pushing through and ignoring his feelings had finally caught up with him. Seeing that beautiful, unblemished and smiling face could have made his heart stop. It could have spirited him away. If only he was able to let it. 

“Erwin,” he choked out. “Erwin. Fuck, Erwin.” Why was he crying so much? Why couldn’t he pull himself together? He was sure he looked a blathering fool, an absolute mess, a child in Erwin’s arms. 

_ You’re beautiful,  _ Erwin said, as if he had read Levi’s mind. He began diligently brushing the tears from Levi’s cheeks, caressing the reddened flesh left in the wake of those tears. 

“I miss you...so fucking much.” The words were painful as they escaped Levi’s lips. They caught in his throat, threatening to choke him. “We’re all a bunch of fucking wrecks without you, you know that don’t you? We’re miserable. We’ve come so far and we’re still so lost.”

_ I doubt that, _ Erwin seemed to chuckle, the sound light and airy and unburdened.  _ You managed to find your way to me, didn’t you? _

Levi paused, staring up at Erwin’s face with large, confused eyes. “Erwin...is this real?” He felt an idiot for asking such a childish question. It was a dream, that was all. A figment of his longing, his imagination. 

But Erwin just smiled.  _ It’s as real as anything else. If it gives you comfort, let it be real for a while.  _

Levi gasped as another wave of grief overtook him. His hands were balled into fists over Erwin’s shirt. “Where are you, Erwin? Where did you go?”

_ I’m here with you, Levi. Always.  _

It was so cliche and Levi was so tired. He narrowed his eyes in frustration, before growling in response. “No you’re not, you big idiot! You’re not here! I can’t touch you. I can’t kiss you. I can’t hear your voice. I want you. I want to be with you. I want to touch you and kiss you and fuck you. Goddammit, Erwin. You know what I mean!”

A sadness seemed to overwhelm Erwin’s handsome features.  _ Oh, my Levi. I do know. I know all too well.  _ He pressed his lips against Levi’s, parting his own and taking Levi’s desperately searching tongue into his mouth. It was warm, so warm. So real. God, why wasn’t it real? 

Levi grasped at Erwin’s neck, pulling him closer and closer. No amount of touch, no amount of closeness would ever be enough. He could taste his own tears in Erwin’s mouth but he didn’t care. He didn’t care. He didn’t care. 

Erwin began to pull away but Levi fought against it. “Fuck, Erwin. Please. Please don’t leave me. I need more time.”

_ I’m sorry, Levi.  _

_ “ _ Please,” he pleaded like a desperate child. A miserable wretch of a creature cloaked in the body of a broken man. “Please. Take me with you. I can’t exist in this world without you. I don’t want to.”

Erwin smiled, running a hand through Levi’s hair.  _ But you still have a promise to keep, do you not? _

Levi glared at Erwin, his eyes on fire with passion and despair. “And when I kill that fucking Beast...when I finally end it all...you promise...you promise we’ll be together again?”

Erwin kissed the tip of his nose.  _ I promise. It’s not so far away, Levi. I trust you. You’ll find your way back to me again. You always did. You always do.  _

Levi pulled Erwin back in for another forceful kiss. He wanted to hold onto him, to keep him. To never let him go. But it wasn’t real. This wasn’t real. It was fleeting, ephemeral, transcendent. 

“I love you so much, old man,” he choked. 

_ I love you, my Levi. I always will.  _

Levi woke, sitting bolt upright in his chair, his heart on fire and his cheeks hot from the streams of tears that had flowed, unbidden, from his sleeping eyes. Looking around his room, gazing into the blackness, the enormity of his loneliness consumed and surrounded him, holding him hostage in Erwin’s absence. He could feel Erwin’s presence like a ghost, haunting him. But Erwin himself  was nowhere to be found. 

Slowly, Levi rose from the chair in which he had fallen asleep. He could hear every pop and every crack in his bones, could feel the deep ache that had settled in his soul. And despite everything, he could still taste Erwin on his lips. Could still feel Erwin’s arms wrapped around his back, Erwin’s fingers twining themselves in his hair. 

And for the first time since before Erwin’s death, Levi found himself wandering the halls of the Scout Regiment headquarters, to Erwin’s office. The room had laid untouched. No one had dared enter. Not even Hange. Perhaps she thought it pertinent to allow Levi to make the first move, to break the seal and step into that sacred space. Or perhaps even she was not brave enough to face the ghosts and regrets that lay within. 

As he so often had in another life, Levi turned the knob without knocking and stepped into the threshold of that room. 

He was all at once enveloped in memories, strangled by his own grief. Papers were scattered across Erwin’s desk, left uncompleted and untouched. Cobwebs hung in the corners of the ceiling and dust covered all surfaces in a thin layer. Levi could feel Erwin in this room more than anywhere else. 

As he traced the lines of Erwin’s desks, he could see small smudges left by Erwin’s fingers. He could read from documents written in Erwin’s scratchy scrawl. He could touch the pens that had once been held by Erwin’s hands. In a way, in the mess he had left behind, Erwin was still here. 

And oh, what a beautiful mess it was. 

For the first time in his entire life, Levi was happy for an uncleaned mess. Thankful for it. 

It was proof that Erwin had been here. That he had existed. That he had loved and fought and won and lost. That he was a human man who had given the entirety of his being to doing what was right. To doing what humanity needed.

They had shared so many moments within the confines of this room. It held their secrets, the intimate details of their most private affairs. In this room, he could feel every kiss, every touch, every heated breath. He could hear Erwin gasping his name, whispering sweet words that, at the time, might have made Levi roll his eyes. 

This mess was Erwin’s legacy. And he had left it all to Levi. He had gifted it all to him. It was now Levi’s to protect, to cherish, to continue.

This mess was Erwin. It was Levi. It was  _ them _ . It was all that remained of who they had been. What they had shared. 

No, Levi realized. That mess was still alive and flourishing inside Levi. It was the fire that propelled him onward. The wind that allowed his wings to sail, rising ever higher and higher. One thing was certain: in Erwin, Levi had felt true love. True loss. And now, he had something truly beautiful waiting for him on the other side. 

Erwin’s words the night prior to their departure rang in his head. 

_ I think...I was always supposed to have met you. That we found each other for a reason. That we’ll always find each other. In this life or in another. You’ve changed me, Levi. Fundamentally. To my core. I’ll always be thankful for that. And I’ll always be yours. _

There had to be some truth to those words. Even in Erwin’s absence, Levi never felt completely without him, without the man he had chosen to follow so long ago. Erwin Smtih was like a brand scourged into Levi’s skin. A scar. A handprint. Erwin was a part of his identity. And always would be. 

_ I’ll keep my promise to you, Erwin,  _ Levi vowed.  _ No matter how long it takes. And once I’ve completed that task, I’ll find you. I’ll always follow you, Erwin Smith.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so ready for Levi to kill Zeke. 
> 
> I'll be working on some more side-fics. I'd love your feedback! 
> 
> Much love! Until next time!

**Author's Note:**

> I love Erwin. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think that he is one of the most complicated characters in this story and it took me a long time to feel like I grasped his thought process. Maybe even now I don't. 
> 
> I think it's beautiful in a way that the only person who can draw him back to life, bring him back out from his dream is Levi, that he becomes something different because of his dream. I think Levi understands Erwin in a way no one else can. And it's heartbreaking. <3
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you liked. I'll keep updating as fast as I can but I have some other projects in the works so it might be slower than normal. 
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think!  
> Much love!


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